things left unsaid...

Atlas Shrugged!

2011-09-22T01:28:00.002-04:00

Buy Atlas Shrugged Merchandise and promote the movie!

Excellent Post about how the book changed my life and ho ive been dying for the movie to come out coming soon!

a higher purpose...

2010-09-02T10:55:00.001-04:00

The complacency of laziness – the art of laziness – relater – one who feels and finds solace in his comfort zone - in the home we have built for ourselves – in the rented space we seek to make ours for this brief time – we frame our pictures and hang them on walls and create a sense of ours – we seek to cover our lives in a layer of soothing familiarity – to escape from the fact that nothing is familiar – a new life a new home a new us – inevitable change defeated by framed movie posters and a collage of black and white still photographs – yet the unfamiliar isn’t altogether frightening – in fact it has become the perfect oasis of comfort – my new comfort – my beanbag replaced by an expensive couch and my sheesha and flat screen is now ours – individualism subverted for a better cause –a higher purpose – companionship – the kind that smells of fresh pine and freshly baked brown bread – the kind that you come home to each evening – and collapse in its manifold seductions of tranquility and belonging – and now you truly know what it means to come home – what home is – not just a collection of ikea – but a person with whom – home truly is – and then you realize that is isn’t about brick and mortar at all – but about who you share the space with – and then it doesn’t seem so criminal to think of moving on again – because you aren’t really moving on you’re just occupying some other space somewhere else – with the same person – home is where the heart is – home is where my heart is – her.

We keep our promises...

2010-08-10T15:06:00.000-04:00

www.facebook.com/tajmahalmumbai - the promise was to rebuild brick by brick and we keep our promises - The Taj Mahal Palaceis ready to welcome guests starting August 15

Homes...

2009-03-30T10:54:00.008-04:00

mid pleasures and palaces though we may roam,

be it ever so humble, there's no place like home*

Home.. it's a very emotional word.. almost sacred.. in many ways... I have no home.. not in the physical sense that most people are used to... this is yet the story of my many homes.. the bundle of emotions that come with that and expectations of the future...

may be surrounded by
a million people I
still feel all alone
just wanna go home...**

The home I first remember had bee hives and plastic pools and a vegetable garden, I have vaguememories of picking beans and uprooting radish... The rest fades away in a sense of swirling brown furniture and some white walls... I don't know what became of it.. maybe someday I'll go back to it...

There was a another home.. it was larger and more airy and I recall harmonium lessons... but that's most of it...

The home I grew up in.. in Jangpura - B is gone.. well it's still there but its been transformed into something ugly and functional... this home... my home went through many physical transformations.. yet it holds the only sense of home for me.. of standing still.. of belonging... I grew up here.. two decades worth of life, school friends and girl friends.. tents and beds, cupboards and wall posters, collages and carpets.. nights spends and days and afternoons, meals and parties.. birthdays and get-togethers.. many years of becoming who I am.. shaped in this abode.. yet.. today it is no more.. it was and will always be only in my mind the way I want it to be.. my home my only real home.. exists now only as a figment of my own mind..

After this my life has been a plethora of apartments..

Chennai.. three years three apartments.. Wallace Garden, Kilpauk and Harrington Road.. three makeshift lives, in three different stages, no real attachments.. you move from place to place taking with you little symbols of yourself.. books, curios, quilts and other scatterings, trying desperately to personalise an impersonal space.. trying to make it something you can call home.. very personally.. in a strange land.. in a new place.. you struggle to create a space of familiarity.. of comfort.. to come back to..

Bombay.. two years and two apartments.. different stages same building, same job.. you reach the city of dreams.. the one you always were drawn towards.. towards it's soul.. and you create again.. after being uprooted.. a sense of space you can climb into at the end of the evening.. to sink into a large beanbag and smoke a sheehsee and watch tele.. an look around the four walls.. bear now.. company accommodation... where someone else has been and someone else will be.. and while its yours.. you try your best to fortify that sense of mine..

Another aeroplane, another sunny place,
I'm lucky I know
but I wanna go home**

and between Chennai and Bombay... Gurgaon.. a beautiful home.. yet almost a guest house.. no time.. short visits.. by the time the sense of belonging grew it was always time to leave.. year after year time after time.. no time.. a home needs time.. time to belong.. to share.. to experience.. to create memories which you can carry.. on..

Delhi.. home again.. in some ways.. and in many more ways.. back to Nizz and the familiar.. another attempt of transplanting your life form one set of four walls to another and another struggle to adjust... but this time it was different.. human.. there was much more to coming home to this home than ever before.. thank you my hobbit.. for in some ways a real home after so long.. you can try as much as you like to personalise your space with as much of yourself but the only thing that makes it truly personal are the memories and love.. and the memories of love.. and for that.. you need someone.. to share that space with you.. truly.. and that makes it home.. people not just you care about and care for, but those you love, home is about being loved where you are... in some ways...

another year.. more travel, more apartments, Singapore & Ithaca, Nanyang Heights and Maplewood.. smaller rooms, more impersonal this time.. almost transitional almost knowledge that this time don't invest emotionally in this space.. it is transient.. passing..

and into a new tomorrow.. forward always onwards.. to a new home, to create a new home, somewhere else, another little haven a sense of slipping back into the familiar.. into that little comfort zone.. and again with someone.. with love.. with the one i love..

Let me go home
it'll all be alright
I'll be home tonight
I'm coming back home**

so many homes.. and none... homeless almost... but yet hopeful...

*cf: John Howard Payne, 1823

**cf: Home, Michael Buble

Hotelies With a Heart

2009-01-31T00:53:00.003-05:00

Hotelies with a Heart is a group of undergraduate and graduate students from the School of Hotel Administration at Cornell University, New York, who share a strong desire to help members of the hospitality industry in times of need.

The city of Mumbai, India was witness to a series of horrific terrorist attacks on November 26, 2008. Over 200 people lost their lives, and even more were injured. During the attacks at the Oberoi-Trident and Taj Mahal Palace & Tower, 22 employees were killed in the line of fire; they were killed while protecting their guests.

Hotelies with a Heart is raising funds for families of the employees who were killed in the attacks. Our goal is to raise Rs100,000 per employee ($50,000 in total). I invite you to learn more about these heroes, and to help us help their families. Visit www.hotelieswithaheart.com to view videos, articles and guest testimonials relating to the '26-11 Fund.' We are welcoming donations online via our web site.

Each member of our Executive Committee does or has previously worked with Oberoi-Trident or Taj Group of Hotels. We share a relationship with both companies and will present all funds raised to Presidents of Trident Hotels and the Taj Group of Hotels on April 02, 2009. We appreciate your help in passing this message on to your friends, family and colleagues.

Word-of-mouth is the most powerful tool we have.

We will rebuild Every Inch!!

2008-11-29T23:30:00.008-05:00

On Wednesday 26th November, a large, well prepared and ruthless terrorist gang launched simultaneous suicide attacks on more than ten locations across Mumbai. Such a level of deadly force applied in a sophisticated attack took the whole country and all its agencies by surprise. The nature of the attacks was to indiscriminately take life in a number of publicly accessible places.
These included the Taj Mahal Palace and Towers, other hotels, a restaurant and public transport locations & a public hospital. We would like to express our heartfelt thanks and deep personal respects to all the members of the National Security Guard, Rapid Action Force, Mumbai Police, Marine Commandos & Grenadiers Regiment (Indian Army) who gave their lives or risked their lives as they confronted the terrorist attackers.
Our thoughts also remain with all those who lost their lives during the attacks - our guests, our staff and their families and many other fellow citizens of Mumbai.

The Taj is very much a symbol of India and we are actually seeing a battle on and we will be defiant. We are monitoring the development of the unfortunate situation unfolding in South Mumbai, in and around our hotel and are fully cooperating with the police and the government authorities to ensure the safety and security of all our guests and staff.
That is all we can say at the moment and we would like to channelise all our effort and energy to ensure a speedy normalisation of the situation as best as we can.
We will rebuild every inch that has been damaged in this attack and bring back the Taj to its full glory.
- The Indian Hotels Company Ltd Statement on 27th November 2008.

The terrible wanton attacks last night on innocent people and the destruction of prominent landmarks in India deserve to be universally condemned.
My sympathies and condolences go out to all those who have suffered, been injured, and those who have lost their loved ones in this terrible act of hatred and destruction. It is important that divisive forces were not allowed to weaken the country. We must stand together, shoulder to shoulder as citizens of India, and rebuild what has been destroyed.
We must show that we cannot be disabled or destroyed, but that such heinous act will only make us stronger. We need to overcome these forces as one strong unified nation.
-Ratan Naval Tata, Chairman Tata Sons on 27th November 2008.

When the property is handed back to our full control, we will commission a range of professionals to carry out studies of the structure, services, the extent of fire damage and all other aspects of the condition of the building.
Nothing can compensate for the terrible loss of life across the city of Mumbai over the past few days and the impact on families and loved ones.
But the Taj Mahal Palace and Tower stands as an icon of the city of Mumbai, a symbol of both independence and dignity. It will also stand in the future as a representation of the indomitable human spirit of the people of Mumbai displayed in the face of the greatest adversity.
- The Indian Hotels Company Ltd Statement on 29th Novembe 2008.

The Taj is defiant...

2008-11-27T00:02:00.012-05:00

The Taj is very much a symbol of India and we are actually seeing a battle on and we will be defiant.
We are monitoring the development of the unfortunate situation unfolding in South Mumbai, in and around our hotel and are fully cooperating with the police and the government authorities to ensure the safety and security of all our guests and staff. That is all we can say at the moment and we would like to channelise all our effort and energy to ensure a speedy normalisation of the situation as best as we can.
We will rebuild every inch that has been damaged in this attack and bring back the Taj to its full glory.
- The Indian Hotels Company Ltd Statement
on 27th November 2008.

The terrible wanton attacks last night on innocent people and the destruction of prominent landmarks in India deserve to be universally condemned. My sympathies and condolences go out to all those who have suffered, been injured, and those who have lost their loved ones in this terrible act of hatred and destruction.
It is important that divisive forces were not allowed to weaken the country. We must stand together, shoulder to shoulder as citizens of India, and rebuild what has been destroyed.
We must show that we cannot be disabled or destroyed, but that such heinous act will only make us stronger. We need to overcome these forces as one strong unified nation.
-Ratan Naval Tata, Chairman Tata Sons
on 27th November 2008.

awake... and abandon the ego...

2008-11-06T02:23:00.006-05:00

Knowledge has always been touted over the ages as a source of power, even enlightenment, yet over the ages the greatest thinkers, have warned us not to revel in our false knowledge, in individuality and in a sense of our own being.
Indeed they have all advocated abandoning the ego and of discarding the individual as the only path to true knowledge and even nirvana.
Each ancient tradition has discovered its own version of this thought. In our global village we need to discover this Axial ethos again. 'Do not do unto others what you would not have done to you', and each of these minds have discovered their own path to this ultimate religion of oneness and nothingness and peace.

Who verily knows and who can here declare it,
whence it was born and whence comes this creation?
The gods are later than this world's production,
who knows then whence it first came into being?
He, the first origin off this creation,
whether he formed it all or did not form it,
Whose eyes controls this world in highest heaven,
he verily knows it - or perhaps he knows not.*

One day a brahmin, walking down a path found a man sitting under a tree and the sight of his serenity, stillness and self-discipline filled the priest with awe. The man reminded him of a tusker elephant - there was the same sense of enormous strength and massive potential brought under control and channeled into an extraordinary peace. The brahmin had never seen a man like this before. "Are you a God sir?" he asked "An angel perhaps or a spirit?"
"No." replied the man "I am surely none of these, I am merely the best in myself. I have simply revealed a new potential in human nature. It is possible to live in this world of dukkha at peace, in control and in harmony with all creatures. Once people have cut the roots of their egotism, they live at the peak of their capacity" he said.
The brahmin understood, instantly and subtlety all at once, "How should I describe you?" he inquired.
"Remember me," the Lord Goutama Buddha told him, "as one who is awake."**

Centre your attention - Stop listening with your ears and listen with your mind. Then stop listening with your mind and listen with your primal spirit. Hearing is limited to the ear. The mind is limited to tallying things up. But the primal spirit which is within you, is empty. It's simply that which awaits things. Tao is emptiness merged and emptiness is the mind's fast. To know something is to distinguish it form something else, to forget these distinctions is to become aware of undifferentiated unity and to lose all sense of being a separate individual.
Instead of using every opportunity to feed the ego, we had to starve it. Even the best intentions could be grist to the mill of our selfishness.*** - Said Kong Qiu^ (551-479) to his disciples.
One day his favourite disciple came to him, "I'm gaining ground" beamed Yan Hui "I sit quietly and I forget". "What do you mean?" asked his master. "I let the body fall away and the intellect fade. I throw out form abandon understanding - and then move freely blending away into the great transformation"
Kong Qiu went pale with delight, his disciple had surpassed him. "If you blend away like that, you are free of likes and desires and all ego. If you are all transformation, you are free of permanence. So in the end there is only you."****

"Ask questions and analyse the implications of the answers, discover the inherent flaws and inconsistencies of every single point of view. Reject one definition after another. Your aim is not to come up with a clever or intellectually satisfying solution. The admission we seek is that there is no answer. This discovery and confusion is far more important that a neat conclusion, because once you have realised that you know nothing, once you have abandoned the myth of your ego, your philosophical quest can begin" said Socrates.****

When he sees identity in everything
Whether Joy or Suffering
Through analogy with the self,
He is deemed a man of pure discipline******

*Rig Veda, 10.129:6-7 (Circa 1600-900 BCE)
**Angutara Nikaya 4.36 (Circa 450-398 BCE)
***The Book of Zhuangzi 4:26-28 (Circa 400-300 BCE)
****The Book of Zhuangzi 6:93 (Circa 400-300 BCE)
*****Laches - Plato (Circa 400 BCE)
******Bhagvad Gita 6:32 (Cirica 300 BCE)

^Kong Qiu was know as Kongfuzi or 'Our Master Kong' - or in translation - Confucius

Overriding Credit: The Great Transformation (the beginning of our religious traditions) - Karen Armstrong 2006

within...

2008-09-03T21:15:00.011-04:00

i am a rock... i am an island...
and rocks feel no pain...and an island never cries...*

the truth of it all is there is one.. a truth...

an objective reality... a singularity... and it exists paradoxically and simultaneously and effortlessly in the last place you'd expect the perfect manifestation of it..

and therefore, to be truly free is also possible...

yes, we do live in a complex web of social order and acceptability... so to be truly free you must truly be alone.. where your actions have no reactions.. where there is no causality.. no hint of judgement... and that's only in one place...

your own mind..

there is only one person inside your head... know this.. your masques are not for you.. you know they're masques... that's the very nature of them.. they're for them.. all of them.. you know who you are.. in corners and dark lonely walks home you know what you want and how.. in wisps of fantasy you'll never articulate.. you know.. in deeds of freedom you try and express this... fleetingly...

yet there are also infinite possibilites to that existance... and that is the absolute marvel of it all...

within... where you are emperor and sinner.. where time and space collapses into a little pile of immaterialism.. where you are yourself and not...

within... where you can go a hundred places and through time.. where you can smell the fresh air of cities never visited and live lives never lived in times gone by and times yet to come and be heroes in epics never written... where all that separates babylon and bombay is a thought... where sounds are as real as real can be... where music is omnipresent... where anything is possible.. if god does truly exist she exists as your own consciousness... nothing more nothing less.

within... where there are no constraints or obstacles except those that you create.. where the most buried of emotions..and deeds can come to you anytime and consume you... where you can laugh and cry and care and not.. without reason or justification.. where justification is a myth and reason a slave of you..

within... they travel the most that travel inwards.. outward pleasure and pain and success and all these meaningless yardsticks are just that.. meaningless... fleeting glimpses of that which you already have within...

within... where you can be all people, just yourslef and your own personal deity... where there is nothing but you...

na deen hai na duniya na insaan na bhagvan sirf main.. sirf main...**

yet we go through our entire lives fighting this very concept.. we quote quantum theory and the idea that there is no individuality... that all else is only as it is because of everything else.. that enactment in its very nature makes you part of the whole.. we abhor individual genius and we tag miserable tags... we hail individual achievment yes.. but only within the context of a larger set... we despise those who are at peace with themselves and have abandoned the ego... those that have realised that the key is not to scale the highest mountain but build your own...

we seek chaos to define us.. we reach out for this sense of the butterfly effect and believe in this intermingling infinite web of connecting ether... we yearn to enact our part in this play... but we don't need to..

we go through our lives fighting this very instinct.. we use people.. situations and feelings and relationships, we grasp tightly onto associations and seek to be defined by being part of something larger, not one.. but two.. or three or seven billion... we try... to shield ourselves from this eventuality... this objective reality... this truth... and we fail miserably...

and we don't spend enough time on that which can save us.. in any situation.. instantly...

where all things must end.. where life begins and maybe... just maybe ends.. maybe...

within...

*cf: I Am A Rock, Simon & Garfunkel
**cf: Raju Swami in Vijay Anand's Guide

be life...

2008-08-22T00:56:00.005-04:00

thag lenge, naina thag lenge...
jagte jadoo phookenge... neenden banjar kardenge...*

its been ages since i've blogged... really said anything left unsaid...

naina ko to dasne ka chaska laga re...
naina banwaran kardenge...*

theres a reason... its that i need severe emotional trauma to spew out my stream of consciousness dribble crutch aginst the reality of the pain which is... and i havent had any... since my life has been balanced by the last wanderer.. who i assume has stopped wandering.. ? no clue...

naino ki zuban par bharosa nahi aata... likhad pardat na raceed na khata
bin badal barsaen sawan... sawan bin barsatan...*

so i have come up with a new reason to write.. i wrote for myself.. i can only write for myself... but now ill write.. to myself.. oh the vainty.. the simple plain feel of the perfect pinot noir on your tongue... the smell of the night after the rains in the pine and cannibus laden hills of himachal... the first ray of fresh sunshine on a dreary cloudy day...

i watch from behind these cold hazel eyes.. an air of superiority.. undefined.. like a wisp of smoke.. in the air.. solid until you touch it.. it runs through your fingers like a dreamy snake, like water... it flows... away... i see scenes in front of me... i hear voices.. some old and long forgotten screaming to be heard again.. some new.. unfamiliar but with promises of the alluring freshness of a ripe peach... they speak to me.. all of them.. through the wonders of technology they pervade my space... they force themselves into my nonchalant existance.. claiming rights understood but never explicitly given...

words from songs.. that tug at the familiar.. the sense of who i am and where i come from.. swades...

philmon ke gaano main... koi to chal zid phadiye.. **

and the feeling is one of euphoria.. of an extasy.. not felt.. only experienced.. known.. wanting to be known...

the dhol... pounding in your brain.. talking of all before them who have played out this song.. far from home..

what do you hope to gain.. what speicfically do you want.. does it all come down to vain success or is there more to it.. look at her.. content in her hilly dream.. him.. with his dreams a reality.. all his dreams except the lonliness of being alone..

see them... and what do you think.. better.. worse.. doesnt matter.. not comparable.. different people different paths to nirvan.. each to his own.. bullshit...

pathar ke in ratson pe, phoolon ki ek chadaar hai...
jab se milen ho humko, badla hai har ek manzar hai...
kya mujhe pyar hai, asia khumar hai...***

is life a comparison.. who where how much... or is it more simple than that.. is it about feeling...

is life not but a series of experiences.. pain and joy.. thats it.. in its many guises in its many aliases.. in its many degrees and directions.. in its many forms and conduits.. pain and joy..
if so why be afraid of them.. they are enduring.. beyond all others.. beyond everything..

na deen hai na duniya na insaan na bhagvan.. sirf main.. sirf main..****

agony and ecstacy... the polar opposites on which this mortal existance of ours revolves.. spins.. uncontrollably..

do we accept this absolute calvanian view of inevtability.. isnt there somethign sacred..? something personal.. something.. mouldable by the self.. a reflection of who we are.. ours.. a legacy.. some thing to say that yes.. i am.. and i did.. and somewhere someone is affected..

or does it go deeper than that even... baser than even base.. underneath it alll... why the pain.. or the joy.. if its just a shuffling of the deck.. then.. why worry.. just be.. live..

drain.. and expereince.. and drain every experience.. take it in.. let it out.. be it.. be them all.. all the forms.. and shapes and conduits.. let them all come to you.. and from you.. and become you...

life...

the magical undefiend force that is beyond even experience.. even base.. life.. eternal and giving..

be life...

today.. and forever.. pledge to just be.. be... and all else will come and go and change.. you just be..

be....

*Niana, Ost - Omkara
**Chak De, Ost - Chak De
***Kya Mujhe Pyaar Hai, Ost - Woh Lamhe
****Guide, Vijay Anand

an eventful night...

2008-08-14T16:49:00.003-04:00

as all good tales must be, this too is set in a mystical land.. a place called new york... one arrives into this cocophony of life and is at once unsettled and elated by the sheer magnitde of it all.. the scale.. larger than life.. the big apple...

the story though, unravles thus... a dinner... filet mignon and brooks pinot noir.. one seamingly made for the other... a leisurely meal.. nostagia and updates... time flies.. a quick cab ride.. horus.. mint green tea and sheesha... more stories.. some bitching and an introspection of who we are and how happy we are to be with who we are... more sheesha... more conversation.. flowing like the old.. accustomed... familiar...

back home.. hospitalty and lucidity... more endless conversations about agartala...

a sudden realisation.. some panic.. to distanced yet.. not real..

check.. re check.. re re check.. hope.. pain... futility... not there...

a few frantic phonecalls.. not there...

a few more.. not there...

that difficult call.. admiting.. self blame.. why me... not again...

helplessness.. tears.. pain.. futlity... absolute disgust...

rethinking.. going over it again and again.. dsecting.. redisecting.. conjecturing...

hoping against hope.. against santiy.. this is new york... no way anyones gonna turn it in...

still hope...

sleepless nights.. playing on repeat.. in superslow motion..

agony.. exhaustion... seven am... sleep...

eight am.. call to action...

nypd.. 17th precinct.. 26 federal plaza... 86th st... helter skelter..

one innocuous call... a message..

more calls.. high connections...

the consuate...

a call.. yes we do.. yes you can.. ill b right there..

smile.. breathe... exhale.. finally... run.. cab.. pay... feet tapping.. heart racing.. in my hands...

absolute relief...

never again... never...

dark chocolate mocha and a conversation... peace...

and through it all her constanct support.. unshakeable...

anahat arora lost his passort on 27th and park and found it next morning... a series of very unfortunate events...

life goes on...

five weeks....

2008-08-13T01:17:00.004-04:00

as I sit today five weeks into what will undoubtedly be a career and maybe life defining two semesters at the hotel school at Cornell.. I cannot but help think that this may in fact be worth it.. the costs are staggering.. financial and emotional.. this frantic pace if globetrotting which began in singapore and which will culminate there many months from now... will undoubtedly lead me onto experiences i'd never imagined.. yet the journey may itself be as rewarding as the goal.. as many a wise men have said over the course of the eons..

one so often get caught up in the melle of it all that one forgets to enjoy the little moments of pure joy and sorrow.. what is life if not the justaxpositioning of the two basest of emotions...

swimming in the waterfalls and gorges of the six mile creek by my second day in.. catching my first of many wide mouthed bass.. discovering a discreet little tobacco shop that sells al-faker.. wearing the Cornell Hotel Society pin on your lapel.. driving on the wrong side of the road and realising it was indeed the right side no matter how loudly the decades of conditioning were screaming warning signals inside your head..

day trip to the over rated niagra falls.. discovering the iPhone in it's many incarnate wonders.. endless afternoons at college town bagels.. walking the proud and historically rich halls of the statler filled with a sense of pride and belonging... watching the sunset at nine in the evening and discovering bright sunshine and a pretty drizzle at six... the magical taste of ying ling hitting the palette.. the endless nights spent over excel solver and powerpoint... the thrill of winning and the numbing disappointment of defeat... the casual glances and the occasional unashamed racial slur...

being part of something so grand and so welcoming yet being completely isolated in the vastness of it all... being constantly connected via technology and the realisation of the desperate need to be so...

sitting alone and puffing your very being in clouds of sheesha smoke.. grasping the familiar so tight that it slips away... new accents new people new lives.. same me...

in just five weeks.. and there are another nineteen to come... what will they bring...?

magical fingertips...

2008-08-03T23:54:00.003-04:00

I write this from my magical fingertips.. With no more excuses for spelling errors and typos.. With my new iPhone 3g.. apples new magical convergence device.. True it does have some bugs that need fixing.. But the simplicity with which you can use the clumsy touch key pad thanks to the built in algorithms is just fantastic.. Enough with clunky laptops and worrying about battery power.. This Is the future it's here today.. Kudos to Steve jobs and his team again.. Another social phenomenon in the making...

I sign off now into another sleepless Ithaca night.. And that is yet another story yet to be told of weather gods with a quirky sense of humour, new york state bar rules, bike rides into oblivion and spin fishing...

But for now.. I truly recommend this little gem to anyone considering it.. And to anyone waiting for it.. Stick to it.. It's more than well worth the wait.. I mean how do you compete with an app that delivers motion sensing light sabre sounds! Come on..

going home again...

2008-06-29T02:47:00.004-04:00

another pile of goodbyes.. but this time... its not a little pile but infact a single large one. My suitcase reminds my flatmate of a pregnat woman. now that's something... how I managed to pack everything in it is a tale of wonder.. besides cursing it and zipping painstaking micron by micron I at one time did my best Space Odyssey imitation.. by jumping on the bag like an awakened ape... my Monolith was finally zipped up. The remains of my life scattered around the room.. Let me collect my life into a portable form. Two Suitcases and a Carry bag.. my life.

I'm leaving my super efficient little home for the last 7 odd weeks and heading home.. back to Rajma Chawal and traffic jams... bad driving and dirty air.. hehe.. yeah yeah and I'm so glad... a quick stopover at home.. before heading to Ithaca and another half year of scholarly pursuits... I long to be with the familiar again and it seems so strange that I'm already feeling sad for the little time I'll have... it's almost like I don't have time to be relieved...

But I am so glad for the Fort Palace trip... It'll give us much needed time to be alone.. that day will have to last a hundred and eighty more... It will have to, we must make it.. there's no option.

as I bid farewell to Nanyang Technological Univeristy and Ez-Link cards and OCBC bank.. I feel nothing. as always.. oh u cold cold man... I smile a mischevious smile.. oh well..!

to another dawn and another chapter.. but I'll be back here.. I'm not completely done with this place just yet...

Al Nasrin.. my new Oasis...

2008-06-21T08:12:00.012-04:00

As I sit... on the corner of Arab and Baghdad Streets... staring at a white and green back lit which reads Al-Nasrin, with the smell of the all familiar molasses smoke filling me... I can say again I am in my new found Oasis... Pull... Al Fakheer mint... bliss...

though I tried to write this post earlier.. I felt I would not be doing it justice unless I wrote on location.. so here is my first on-location post... hopefully there will be many more to come...

the scene is set... a lot of plain metal and plastic chairs scattered about.. tables with little square floral patterned candle holders and a familiar camaraderie of sheesha patrons... in front the road with cars rolling by and on this occasion.. an old classic.. a yellow boxter convertible.. adds to the occasion... it flowing lines in sharp contrast to the delivery vans and working class air of this area... in the distance the golden dome of the Masjid Sultan and around you carpet sellers and more sheesha bars, and the broken down pavement under your feet, with so many of it's own stories to tell, no doubt. The air is filled with casual chatter which spills into the streets from all over, and surprisingly Lionel Richie... adding to the eclecticness of the whole setting...

as I sip my iced mint tea I am reminded of another eclectic oasis on a Colaba rooftop of a very shady hotel... and I wonder if my blog resembles a global sheesha backpackers guide... maybe so...

pull... release... I return to myself.. to here and now.. content in the knowledge that amongst even the most sanitized of nation states there is this little Oasis of revelry and old world Bohemia still thriving... refusing to be modernised...

as I am about to press publish... the magical sound of the Qur'an fills the air from the nearby mosque and Lionel Richie is turned off in respect...

In the name of Allah, the Gracious, the Merciful
All praise belongs to Allah, Lord of all the worlds,
The Gracious, the Merciful, Master of the Day of Judgment.
Thee alone do we worship and Thee alone do we implore for help.
Guide us in the right path
The path of those on whom Thou hast bestowed Thy blessings, those who have not incurred Thy displeasure, and those who have not gone astray*

*cf: Sura 1.1 to 1.6, The Holy Qu'ran

the hollow disconnect...

2008-06-05T10:19:00.006-04:00

like a tunnel that you follow to a tunnel of its own
down to a hollow where the sun has never shone...*

outside it's raining.. as it always seems to here.. inside I sit alone.. immersed in my own thoughts... and realise the only word i can come up with to describe this feeling of helplessness is... hollow.. a deep echoing hollow... a hollow disconnect of being so far away.. of being in this unrealistic reality so different from the one you imagined you'd be in and fought to achieve for quite a while..

words that jangle in your head....*

it gnaws at you and makes you want to just close your eyes and drift off into a eye-clenched sense of nothingness less you break down... u grasp at the very sense of normality to keep yourself from being swept away in an untiring emotional swirl... you grasp at the thought of a thought.. a glimpse.. a verse... a ticker... of the familiar... an image... but its gone in a flash and try as you might it doesn't help..

when you knew that it was over,
were you suddenly aware...
that the autumn leaves were turning
to the colour of her hair*

you sit alone and type furiously.. hoping... even praying that you're making sense... sense of what you're feeling or afraid to feel... its a hollow sense of the fear... of the what if it all unravels and spills out.. which reality will you pick.. which reality will pick you.. the one you fight so hard to hold onto in a fragment of a dream and a sense of whats awaits you far away.. oh so far away.. or the reality that you live with every breath... the one that you fight so hard not to get immersed in..

and here I sit, hand on the telephone, hearing a voice I know, a couple of lightyears away**

to fill your moments of hollow terror with a sense of what can be is a very hard life to live my love.. make it easier...

*cf: Windmills of your Mind, Ost - The Thomas Crown Affair
**cf: Diamonds and Rust, Joan Baez

Song of Myself*

2008-05-25T11:18:00.005-04:00

No Array of terms can say how much I am at peace about God and about Death.
I hear and behold God in every object, yet I understand God not in the least, Nor do I understand who there can be more wonderful than myself...
And as to Death, and you bitter hug of mortality... it is idle to try to alarm me.
As to you life, I reckon you are the leavings of many deaths
No doubt I have died myself ten thousand times before.*

I return to myself.. into my own self preserving shell.. I am but an illusion of my best self.. I am escaping and missing out on my honest self.. who knows.. I know.. I know not.

Of all the realities to imagine this is the one that I never imagined.. to be so far.. while she sips alcohol in the realm of the familiar.. stretching back to what was.. As it becomes what is..

My anxiety is for myself... no reassurances can work until I trust and thereby reassure myself.. It's like you're living waiting for an epiphany of some sign that you don't have to worry.. don't have to wonder.. that it doesn't matter.. that trust is enough that love is enough.

And there is love.. so much love.. real.. like the fear of loss.. for the first time in nine months and two days I felt afraid of losing.. to an unknown variable.. that I think is what scared me the most.. frightened me...

But I return to myself and realise that just to enjoy life and all its wonders you put your whole life itself into that pursuit.. you wager life itself in a bid to live more... patience... one needs calm.. against or with the wind sometimes you do need calm.. it's not being still if you choose to be still... If it's your very own choice...

And that the reassurance does work... its a mental self construct that you need to realise is nothing but imagination at work.. the cynical fear of something you can't touch or taste.. of some thing unknown and it worries you...

I flee from that which worries me.. I ignore it.. hoping that It'll go away.. oft it does.. or it recedes back into a harmless oblivion and you shrug and smile a half smile in the realisation that you were panicking. Sometimes it's real but not really, and you come to that realisation with time and calm.

If you want it you need to come and get it... to grasp it.. to hold that comforting thought that'll pull you through any sort of anxiety.. of her.. and her hair.. and the way she looks at me..

I return to myself in those moments of calm and worry no more.. I say I love you.. and mean it.. and worry no more...

I sleep a peaceful sleep.. I write a another scattered piece of my life.. and I return to myself...

It's all right.. It's a part of the whole process.. you can't ignore a reality that's sitting in front of her and making small talk..

You accept it and trust her.. and know that as you return to yourself you return to each other and that the feeling of being part of something more.. of something wonderfully more is what it's all about in the end...

I return to her and to my song of myself...

*cf: Song of Myself, Walt Whitman, 1885

The Cornell NTU Singapore Campus

2008-05-12T22:38:00.009-04:00

I've never been to a more organised and efficient place in all these years.. It's true I've never lived out of India either, but you can tell. From public transport, be it buses, the mass transit sytem, general traffic, the Banking System or Changi Airport its all a model of super clean super green efficiency. And for an Ayn Rand die hard this is heaven. The tiny Island Republic of Singapore!

Ok so basic information - I'm in Singapore - pursuing a dual campus MMH Degree (Masters in Hospitality Management) from The Cornell Hotel School and the Nanyang Business School. We get to spend six months in each campus so which is what I'm doing here till end June. We get to come back here next year for the final four months.

The campus is just fantastic... it's spread out but very systematic. I'm living in an apartment complex on campus called Nanyang Heights which I'm sharing with four other colleagues from Taj. We're all on some form of scholarship from the Company or Institute.

It feels strange to be away after clawing my way back home after almost five years. But its also an experience I couldn't pass up. Hopefully we'll manage and thee costs won't be that high that we regret anything.

At the end of the day I still believe home is a feeling, this could be Bombay or Chennai - it doesn't matter. Yes there is time difference and skyrocketing phone costs but besides that it's just as bad, not worse.

I can see why so many people flock to this cosmopolitan hub. It really is something special, and I've only been here three nights. It's so easy to live in so comfortable. And for all those doubting pseudo-intellectuals who claim that only drones are produced here, I say to them may be. But I'm no drone and I'm loving it.

Course its bloody expensive when you think of a 50c cup of coffee or a 7$ mop. But you also get a full beef steak with coleslaw and fries and rice for 3.5$ !! so you decide... Oh and after so many years of Fillet of Fish, I finally had a decent double cheeseburger for and that too for 2$! nice nice.. I think I'm going to enjoy it here.

But I do miss you guys, and you my hobbit. But at least for now I'm revelling in the glory of efficiency and have so much stuff to do that I can hardly stop and take a deep breath. Eventually it'll catch up but hopefully it'll be June end and I'll be home for a bit.

It's eleven am and I'm just back from a mandatory medical checkup for my student's pass. So I'll be taking a nap now!

khoon chala...

2008-04-17T20:26:00.006-04:00

kuch kar guzarne ko... khoon chala.
aankhon ke sheeshe main utarne ko... khoon chala
badan se tapak kar... zameen se lipat kar...

galiyon se raston se... ubhar kar umad kar...
naye rang bharne ko.. khoon chala...*

In respect and solidarity with the people of tibet...

*cf: Khoon Chala, Rang de Basanti - Rakeysh Omprakash Mehra Productions

Possibilities

2008-01-31T16:09:00.001-05:00

thoda sa to sabr karon yaaron
chaal to hum ko chalne do...
haar aur jeet to hoti hai
khel to yaaron khelne do...*

inspiration can take many forms... it can come from the slightest brush of nostalgia... from the slightest hint of a smile long forgotten...

i haven't written in some time now... a long hiatus.. and a post long overdue... but it needed that right nudge... which I got today... at being able to find an old song from a very old hindi movie... ek subah ek mod par...

you go through life.. taking things as they come.. shaping your destiny with will and vanity.. forging through experiences, hitherto unknown.. like an out stretched hand that grasps.. sometimes air, sometimes the fruit of some long forgotten labour...

i am again about to turn my world upside down... always restless.. in pursuit of that hazy shape far off in the horizon.. of what can be.. possibilities...

i embark again on a journey, seeped with lonliness and disconnect.. leaving behind the comforts i fought and kicked and whined to get back to... home... delhi.. familar pills of lethargy...

i risk much.. a love found.. a love maybe not fully nurtured... but a love trusted... with faith and a sense of something larger, more meaningful, more wholesome and continuous...

i despise standing still.. and yet i yearn for stillness so much more.. it is the dichotomy that is me... a polar illusion which may destroy me.. and one that certainly defines me...

singapore... ithaca... unknown places holding the promise of ambition and possibility and pain...

new people.. places.. possibilities... in a jingle jangle morning i follow a new dream...

a leap of blind faith, that somehow it would yield what i want.. yet, i know not what i really want.. and i know what i do.. and this isn't it either...

jab kabhi mud ke dekhta hun main
tum bhi kuch ajnabee si lagti ho...
main bhi kuch ajnabee sa lagta hun...**

will i recognise what i want in time.. will i recognise me, the next time i look back at myself...

no regrets...

ek subah ek mod par...
maine kaha use rok kar
hath bada ai zindagi
aankh mila ke baat kar...***

so much is fluid.. so much is wagered.. my essence my future.. me

roz tere jeene ke liye ek subah mujhe mil jaati hai...***

a new world full of possibilities

tere hazaron chehron main ek chehra hi mujhse milta hai
tu shaam meri main tera seher...***

but i know what im coming back to this time.. and thats a certainty that is beyond blind faith, its built on a knowledge as deep as the love which makes it possible..

a love that makes it all possible...

a strength that comes to face the unknown, from within that certainty...

maidan hai saari zindagi
aur khel hai saari umro ka...
kuch aur bhi acha lagta hai
phal milta hai jab sabr ka
thoda sa sabr karo yaaron...*

thanks my hobbit...

*cf: Hip Hip Hurray Ho, Ost - Hip Hip Hurray, 1984
**cf: Jab Kabhi Mudk Dekhtan Hun Main, Ost - Hip Hip Hurray, 1984
***cf: Ek Subah Ek Mod Par, Ost - Hip Hip Hurray, 1984

27th October 2007

2007-10-27T08:51:00.001-04:00

Hippy burday to Me!

Twenty Six is the new Thirty.. so befitting the same was a staid lunch to celebrate...

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=18061&id=517531598

Right.

the dichotomy of me

2007-10-22T16:40:00.001-04:00

they say... balance is key... to anything.. peoples, nations relationships... life itself, in all its abundance and glory...

they say the only thing that is constant is change... an ever turning wheel.. and as the wheel wills.. some things may yet fall under the light...

in rude disregard to a world's light gone out he posts again.. but those who know also know this blog is for him alone... as is his tribute to him.. for me...

simplicity is the answer... he thought to stop for he had nothing left unsaid...

all things change.. he has new things to say now... new dribbles...

winter comes to his home... she is dressed as a dark unknown woman... her body wraps around him.. time is without end... her hair.. wisps of nostalgic serenity brush against him.. and all that was is again... if only for that instant... i am myself.. the petulant child.. the erring young man.. the courageous lad.. an unsure adult.. a triumph of situation and a calvainian upstart.. who writes as all men must.. his own destiny.. undeterred and unpretentious...

the wind howls.. a low and base cry... of something deep and good and forgotten but not entirely... of a time.. when the winds arose in another place.. another time, maybe another eventuality...

he shivers and pulls himself closer.. he wished he had a cloak.. of strong lamb's wool.. he laughs at himself for this paltry grasp at fantasy... almost laughs...

it smells of rain, or he wishes it would.. one never can tell.. of hope and of love patiently waiting its turn to surprise even the most cynical of minds.. he wishes it would rain.. so he could cry and laugh out.. soaking and breathing pure ecstatical life...

but the winds are dry.. and raspy...they seem to snatch his thoughts... how easy life goes on him.. most of the time...

shorter story... no love no glory..
no hero in her sky...*

he cant get his mind of her.. he has no one else to find...

to want is to exist... to need is to live.. to have is to be alive.. to have what one wants is bliss.. to have what one needs is peace...

he feels at peace...

he is made of extremes.. completely at peace or in a state of constant flux with all the universe...

there is no other...

to constant strife and courage of conviction... or to granted peace settled...

he smiles.. a half smile...

too many minds.. too many thoughts.. so much for the wind to snatch...

par dukhe upkaar kare to man abhimaan na aae re.. **

he quotes his political Satan and spiritual ideal..

dichotomy is every thing.. balance is but an illusion of dichotomy.. the exception that proves the rule..

is darkness whole in itself or an absence of light.. or is light an absence of darkness.. do we come from nothing and return to it.. ashes to ashes dust to dust or does the master plan a plan that eludes the doubting mind.. ye of little faith..

so many questions.. the pity is not that there are no answers.. but that there aren't enough questions..

dubito ergo cogito... cogito ergo sum.. ***

something out of the corner of his eye... a fleeting glimpse of a half truth brings him back..

the wind will be his undoing..

so will thinking too much

but he cant stop... he cant deny descartes.. specially in the windmill of his mind.. he hums a few bars off the song..

like the circles that u find... ****

he shuffles his feet.. footprints in the sand..

oh jaan... this changes nothing..! it is real.. as real as we make it...

and suddenly it is still.. a calmness

some thoughts can stop the world from spinning.. his world.. his dichotomous selfish little world..
balance.... finally.

aham bhavani yuge yuge...*****

*cf: The Blower's Daughter, Damien Rice
**cf: Vaishnav Jan to Tene Kahiyaj, Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi
***cf: 'I Doubt Therefore I think, I think therefore I am' Rene Descartes
****cf: Windmills of your Mind, Alan & Marilyn Bergman & Michel Legrand
*****cf: 'I am Reborn in Every Age', Lord Krishna to Arjun, Bhagvad Gita

an ending....

2007-09-19T03:23:00.001-04:00

In Memory of

James Oliver Rigney, Jr.

Robert Jordan

17 October 1948 to 16 September 2007

A great light has gone out today, and with it I am afraid this shall be my final post on this blog...

All that was left unsaid has been said in so many ways... while some things should remain...

There are no beginings or endings to the turning of the Wheel but it is an ending.

Dovie'andi se tovya sagain

second guessing eventuality...

2007-08-26T13:57:00.001-04:00

is mod se agle mod talakh... humko bhi saathi chalne de...
haar aur jeet to hoti hai.. khel to yaaron khelne do...*

i've always held that life is a journey.. to be sucked dry.. that the sheer gamut and vastness of experiences holds more in it.. than most of our imaginations can even begin to comprehend... that just living is enough... through pain through heartbrake.. jobs... people... cities... relationships... they come they go.. come around goes around.. and u move on.. head held high.. and a sense of purpose..

tell me how he died...
i will tell you how he lived...**

but i will say this... it feels good to put my head on her shoulder and know that i am loved...

cynicism has been good to me.. its made me realise the value of taking this step that i have.. i cherish this moment.. of happiness.. so much more. because even though i've spent the last two and half years running away from it at every possible occasion.. i've yearned for it with all my soul...

to belong.. to be here.. to wake up knowing.. she's mine...

i never imagined that i would be able to willingly let myself be vulnerable again.. now that i know that i am... it doesn't scare me so much anymore.. it makes me smile instead...

its a world of possibilities.. lets go exploring...***

it really is...

hi... so we should catch up then... when im in delhi next... heres my number...

mocha... conversation... sumthing...

endless conversations about music.. and each other.. endless messages about absolutely nothing.. rain.. lyrics.. events.. nothing.. everything....

a delhi trip... a disaster.. followed up by another not so much a disaster as a release...

you could have atleast picked up the phone.. i musta called a million times.. too much emotion.. to confusing.. walk away.. best to just walk away.. can you...?

silence....

more sheesha... more alcohol... hukkah.. lbw... confusion.. a statement to break a heart.. and another one to give it hope.. all at the same time... walk away... jus walk away... did i?

lbw again.. revelation.. coming full circle...

would you go out with me? heart racing.. hands shivering.. and her smile that frightens and calms me down all at the same time.. a little nod.. sumthing happy about it.. something of an eventuality we both knew we'd come to always...

facebuk reaffirmations and sercpico... jus the right words and a frineds smile...

you should never try and second guess the possibility of eventuality...

ek subah ek mod par main ne kaha use rok kar
haath badha ae zindagi... aankh milaakar baat kar

roz tere jine ke liye
ek subah mujhe mil jaati hai
murajhaati koyi shaam agar to
raat koyi khil jaati hai
main roz subah tak aata huun
aur roz shuru karata huun safar
haath badha ae zindagi... aankh milaakar baat kar****

*cf: Hip Hip Hurray, Hip Hip Hurray, 1984
**cf: The Last Samurai, 2003
***cf: Calvin's Last Words to Hobbes, 2006
****cf: Ek Subah, Hip Hip Hurray, 1984

some things just are... III

2007-08-21T11:16:00.001-04:00

some things just are...

exhaustion... exhalation... exasperation... some things just are.. and you can't twist the thread of life.. ta'veren or not.. not to yourself.. not by sheer will...

every man does make his own destiny.. but we all do also have to play the hand we're dealt.. the best we can... tackle life head on...

the nicest drizzle descended on my part of home the other day... the kind that you could stand in without shirking... and smile.. while the pinpricks tickled your sensibilities into submission...

the little things.. that mean so much..

well it seems that everything is sort of falling into place all over again.. and it does look like its got some future..

as long as we have our sheesha and alcohol i think things will always happen enh....

but it does kind of feel good to be in a commitment again... it feels good to belong... part of a larger whole..

we come full circle on this one p... i lean against the wind and in this moment i am happy...

Jai Hind...

2007-08-15T08:26:00.001-04:00

kuchh kar guzarne ko khoon chala khoon chala
aankhon ke sheeshe mein utarne ko khoon chala
badan se tapak kar, zameen se lipat kar
galiyon se raston se
ubharkar, umadkar
naye rang bhar ne ko khoon chala khoon chala
khuli-si chhot lekar, bari-si tich lekar ahista ahista
sawaalon ki ungli, jawaabon ki mutthi sang lekar Khoon chala
kuchh kar guzarne ko khoon chala khoon chala*

Happy 60th to my fellow contrymen... it's special in a rewarding kind of way how now more than ever I feel Indian... a proud Indian... Jai Hind.

*cf: Khoon Chala, Rang de Basanti, Rakeysh Omprakash Mehra Productions

can't take my mind off you....

2007-08-12T14:55:00.001-04:00

you're my weakness she said... what is a weakness... its harmful.. it gets you into trouble.. makes u do things you dont want.. its not love.. its not even real.. its selfish.. so selfish and prude... weakness...*

anahat would like to retract this thoughtless and childish outburst... lets write it all over again. with some more insight...

you're my weakness she said... i heard her.. and my heart skipped.. it was the perfect thing to say.. there.. like that.. holding her... it was like the slightest shiver... yet i knew.... she was jus being honest... and i couldn't grudge her that.. she hadn't promised me anything.. rather she had warned.. sinister words.. brave words... i hadn't listed, didn't want to... no fault but mine...

it still felt the world to hear those words.. and echo them in my own heart....

but all that's in the past now...

bygones...

i was talking to an old friend last night... after about eight years we were talking.. really talking.. and she asked me to brief her on what in god's name i'd been doing for the last five yrs i'd been away... and after all the drama and the sympathy hogging.. she said.. u know.. wait for it.. until ur good and ready.. and when u are... itll be perfect..

she may already be right.. id said.. more right than she knew.. more right than I was letting on...

life.. has an extremely sick sense of humour.. but its also strangely generous at times.. its pretty much a goes around comes around sort of setup... is someone puling the strings? who'se to say.. but sometimes it seems to me the 'coincidence' portrays a consciousness of some sort behind it all.. but thats for another time and another post...

time... pepperoni pizza and distraction heals all... i've had more than my fair share of each...

i'm ready...

so like a wise young man said to me once on a train journey through the real india... we shall soon see... **

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to Leave it all behind?
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you***

*cf: A Season of Faith's Imperfection, Things Left Unsaid, Anahat Arora
**cf: Dr. Karthik Ramanna Ph. D, during the Azad Bharat Raial Yatra 1997
***cf: The Blower's Daughter, Damien Rice

Measure in Love... contd...

2007-07-31T15:22:00.001-04:00

ive decided to fill the vortex with feeble words.. I still don't feel i should write anything on this post... but i've decided anyway... how do u measure what someone means to you.. how can you capture the butterfly effect of a million a billion instances.. intricately woven into the web of life... each string a memory... a fate... a destiny... each tug each bend decisions to be made.. courage.. to make them.. and to face the outcome... it seems impossible to explain.. to comprehend.. to understand.. but an attempt must be made.. what is human life.. lives... if not an attempt to understand why and what now...

every step you took, every mistake you made again and again and called yourself a fool for it and still went ahead an made it again.. every life you live simultaneously all those masques.. always changing.. always acting.. reacting.. never really just being.. you...

and it comes down to this... you cant measure a life.. a life you've shared.. a night a week a lifetime.. you just can't you can... as mr. rice put it so beautifully.. love.. thats all you can really do... love life... that'll teach you grown ups struggling with numbers.. measure in love...

how much you loved?.. how deeply.. how real was it... how much did it hurt.. was it worth it.. these are the questions you should ask... and you'll know... whats important.. whats impacted you.. who...

and then you can sit back one night.. half asleep not really awake and write about it.. names.. places.. memories.. etched forever in your life.. how will you be measured...? in love? will you match up...

will they say... he lived completely.. loved and hurt completely.. or...

thats all you need to know.. and.. and... then you can just be....

If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!*

*cf: If, Rudyard Kipling

Measure in Love...

2007-07-10T15:31:00.001-04:00

how do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.
In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried.
In bridges he burned, or the way that she died.
Measure it... in love.*

*cf: Seasons of Love: Rent, Tim Rice

some things just are... II

2007-07-01T15:14:00.001-04:00

oh! life is bigger its bigger than you, and you are not me
the lengths that i would go to, the distance in your eyes

oh no! i've said too much, I haven´t said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing,
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try*

u know how sometimes u should just keep your trap shut.. about how its a harmless little joke inside your head until you see the look on the persons face who just heard it and its like the unsatiable arrow that you cant take back... hmmm yeah... that one.. well events of last night have affirmed my belief in tact.. in discretion and in keepin your bloody trap shut...

any way it comes to point that people.. read me... sometimes jus forget that when its said about you its not that funny.. its not easy to just let it go and realise ppl just like talking.. it hurts.. and the more of an emotion driven fool u are.. the more it hurts.. the more you think about it and the more you veer onto cynical.. jus when you thought you were out.. the slightest comment can just pull you back into the dismal deluge of deary depression...

it can ruin your night and make you become all careful and suspicious.. who.. why.. why.. why..

anyway..... in other news... ive been in delhi three moths now.. and im liking it.. honestly.. yes i do miss bombay and a few ppl.. i miss some of the places you could get a drink without being anybody or somebody.. i miss not being judged at every step.. but the vanity kicks in and i dont mind eventually...

but its good to be home.. among the familiar.. among the new.. and yet familiar... among the similar.. something about the intoxicating combination of the familiar and the similar thats overpowering..

eventually we all need to grow and spread our wings and be who we can and do what we want and not just what we must and explore this world and these times.. but eventually we all come back to the familiar.. to familia..

And you can swallow, Or you can spit, You can throw it up, Or choke on it
And you can dream, So dream out loud* *

sometimes it is quite the struggle.. loneliness.. peers.. pretend parties and frivolous flirting.. serious work and non serious working.. playing the part and having others play for you... and sometimes its just all so easy.. so natural.. so who i am and where i want to be.. existence is such a tight rope walk sometimes.. no rest no let up no reprieve.. keep walking...

And if the clouds bursts, thunder in your ear
You shout and no one seems to hear
And if the band you're in starts playing different tunes
I'll see you on the Dark Side Of The Moon***

change.. always change.. something someone somewhere somehow... always evolving.. living.. taking in.. processing.. learning.. keenly.. growing.. changing..

we live our lives one moment to the next unsure of what we want and who we are and what we need.. we're twentyfivesixseven and we think we know so much.. we dont even know ourselves.. not always not really... love.. life.. live.

let it be.. let it go.. its not so important. to know.. always know.. somethings just are..

left best unknown
unsaid...

*cf: Losing My Religion, REM
**cf: Acrobat, U2
***cf: Brain Damage, Pink Floyd

give me....

2007-06-20T17:29:00.001-04:00

i don't expect my love affairs to last for long
never fool my self that my dreams will come true
being used to trouble
i anticipate it
but all the same i hate it
wouldn't you...*

i love you she said... you hardly know me.. how long has it been.. a few weeks.. its just a crush.. bit of a fancy.. infatuation.. you'll get over it.. you might as well.. there's nothing here... i am reformed... how cruel.. how sharp...

time and time again i've said that i don't care
that i'm immune to gloom
that i'm hard through and through
but every time it matters
all my words desert me
so any one can hurt me.. and they do...*

you never call.. is it just the sex.. i don't know... i cant say.. i do like you.. but its never gonna be more than that.. maybe its not fair.. maybe its good u'r going on vacation.. come back.. we'll talk.. we'll figure it out.. something.. somehow.. i am reformed... how cruel.. how sharp...

call in three months time and i'll be fine i know
well maybe not that fine but i'll survive anyhow
i wont recall the names and places of this sad occasion
but that no consolation
here and now...*

you didn't even say bye.. dude.. i was outta it.. come on... sometimes the slightest thing can be such a sore.. its of course so much more pronounced if you're an oversensitive..living life on a tightrope... OCDing Scorpio... but still... its jus about sensitivity.. people are just becoming so cruel... so.. blase.. so sharp... deja vu.. full circle.. goes around comes around...

all through my mad days
my mad existence
i kept my promise don't keep your distance...**

have i said to much.. have i thought aloud again.. more than i should have.. do i have to correct your diction.. wipe the table.. be a bitch.. point out a bad colour combo or dress or shoes.. do i have to have to have to have to... no.. but i will.. i do.. i shall..

so it has passed and so have men done...

how do you deal with the flakiness.. and the loneliness.. two sides to the same coin.. pick one.. stay with yourself or live in the real world.. be a recluse or be a peer.. there is no middle ground.. there is no familiarity.. it isn't real.. this is life not a hallmark moment..

this is merlin... he comes to save us... he will bring the people back to the old ways...***

close the lights... hold me.. *sob.. why are you crying... its just that its all so fleeting.. i'm gonna go back and you're gonna carry on.. aren't you.. yeah probably.. but we have now.. and here and this and it is real.. it's not made up.. it exists...

it took time to understand the man.. but now at least i know.. i know him so well...****

another beer.. hell yeah.. another buzz to forget the obvious.. the pain the anguish.. the complications.. the failures and the life we live.. the lives we live.. all of them.. the son.. the colleague.. the friend.. the lover.. the luster.. the loser.. the bitch.. the cabana boy.. the pushover.. the brother.. the kid.. the boy.. the man..

give me one more time to let go...
give me one more time to understand..
give me one more hour to breathe..
give me one more minute to exist...
give me one more night to regret...
give me one more time to cry...
give me one more memory to forget...
give me one more mistake to remember...
give give give....*****

purge. destroy. burn. live............ breathe. die. pain. message. click. smile. infinity.

*cf: Another Suitcase in Another Hall, Tim Rice, Evita
**cf: Don't Cry For Me Argentina, Tim Rice, Evita
***cf: Queen Mab, Merlin, Hallmark
****cf: I Know Him So Well, Tim Rice, Chess
*****cf: Give, Anahat Arora

a season of faith's imperfection*

2007-05-25T09:49:00.001-04:00

I dig my toes into the sand
The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds
Strewn across a blue blanket
I lean against the wind
Pretend that I am weightless
And in this moment I am happy...
I wish you were here**

what do you do?.... findamentally do... when you know that person you love.. loves someone else... how do you tackle it.. what words of consolation do you offer your heart as you drift away into thought and imagine that one night... the night of many lifetimes... pure passsion... pure and real in a way that feels like playing with wet clay.. base and beautiful...

sometimes you get a phonecall and your life turns upsidedown.. sometimes you go for a sheesha and drinks and existance decides to blink.. atlas shrugs... chaos reigns...

to feel that you want something that you cant have is a crazy thrill in its own way... forbidden...

but she said no guilt... strange that...

you're my weakness she said... what is a weakness... its harmful.. it gets you into trouble.. makes u do things you dont want.. its not love.. its not even real.. its selfish.. so selfish and prude... weakness...

the absolute irony of it all is that i cant imgaine what i like about her so much... except for the intellect.. and the kindness in her eyes.. and... oh dear.. the absolute irony is that i do like her so much...

always forward... never look back.. no regrets.. meet life head on.. carpe bloody diem.. all shatters with one smile... one little tilt of the head and the kindness in those mischeveous eyes...

embrace it.. live it.. love it.. be pure to it.. and life will show you experiences like you cant believe... from broken hearts to the pure ecstacy of that touch... tender...

pouring always pouring.. giving.. letting out.. closure.. letting go.. tumbling free wheeling gonna be more gonna do more.. always more..

love will find a way.. love actually is... believe it... you have to.. no choice but to...

may even find a way... its possible..

nothings impossible.. peter pan..

leave it to faith... faith.. a season of possibilities.. of nature and youth and laughter.. her laughing eyes.. a season of faith... of faiths imperfection and a broken heart...

*cf: Finding Forrester, Columbia Pictures, 2000
**cf: I Wish You Were Here, Incubus

now... all set...

2007-05-10T12:11:00.001-04:00

phonecalls can be intimidating... you get them.. all the time.. the ones you dont want to take.. the ones you wish you hadn't taken.. the ones you wish you hadn't missed.. caller-id from hell... you know how you can get a phonecall and it turns your world upside down...

all these memories come tumbling out.. all the pain.. all the expectations.. all the mistakes.. all the hope.. so whaddya do.. u sit it out.. and smoke some sheesh.. have a cold glass of water.. send some sms'.. distract yourself.. and maybe if you're lucky it buries itself away until she calls again.. or maybe thats just the way its supposed to be.. you live your life from one rush of feeling to another.. pain.. pleasure.. same old same old.. and you enjoy it.. take it all in and take a deep breath.. and smile..

ohhh.. in some other news.. ive moved into my new apartment in delhi.. its in nizz east and it a whole lot of life coming full circle.. kit kat's chicken burgers.. om's butter chicken.. aap ki khaatir's kaakori.. familiar roads.. familiar turns.. sights and sounds.. so its a cozy little place.. the pdp is wall mounted.. the dish works.. and i have broadband again.. all set.. oh and thanks to prince paan i have a new sheesh.. now.. all set..

so phonecalls and coming home and new apartments in familiar settings and losing bombay and coming back to friends who seem so real but you cant tell cause you havent been around to new friends who dont know how messed up you are in the head and havent adjusted to dealing with you all over again.. moving towns can be trying...

here's to a happy landing...

2007-04-19T14:07:00.001-04:00

I'm blogging on the plane back home.. ok now I am excited.. which is why Im bloggin on the plane.. of course this is just a notebook file and Im gonna have to cutcopypaste the piece but what the helll...

Ok so firstly the freedom of all those client calls.. its exhillarating... then meeting Gopikaa yesterday evening in Mumbai just set the tone for the weekend.. Im home... to my frineds.. to family to familiarity... Even Akshu sms'd saying welcome back! My first sms from him in the 10 years cellphones have been around! haha just kidding...

I was talkin to Donny as he congratulated me on my move back from 'this rat hole' to 'rajma chawal' as he put it.. and I was telling him how Ill probbaly be sick of the damn place in a month but what the hell... nothings perfect.. well except for onion pink cherry blossoms in winter and al fakheer gold aniseed... but then thats a different story all together... oh BTW i have abandoned my sheesha in Mumbai! giftd it away... imagine that shite!
dedigressing... nothings perfect and it could just be a matter of the least likely to kill you...

Chennai was a nightmare which turned into a slow moving disparity.. Mumbai was a whirlwind which became a tedious repetition of travel interrupted by night clubs and lounge bars... Lets see what Delhi's like this time around...

here's to a happy landing...

an ode to sunshine...

2007-04-15T13:25:00.001-04:00

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight*

*snip... a few years gone by... pilani and conversations under shaded tree lined walks...quizzical introductions...

diwali.. the festival of whiskey shots lights taash and broken payals...

ihc... swimming the summer away... on the lawns in front of american diner.. a huge crush... the fuzzz of unfamiliar niceness...an unusual woman.. a beautiful woman.. strong independent and proud.. oh so proud.. and a little obtuse... but so easily carried away and so easy to fall in love with.. so easy to believe that she could fall...

of a smile to die for and eyes to drown in...

messages and fleeting conversations... balcony of the library.. black coffee and sugar doughnuts... and eliot.. seth.. woolf... the play of light and darkness and a fascination ever growing...

lsr annual day... compromises and smiles.. the rock show and big chill...

midnight conversations and ministry of sound... possessiveness and the nicest sense of something that can be...

turtle cafe and reality... confusion and hurt.. mistaken intentions.. or convenient altercations of priorities.. giving second chances... and snatching possibilities...

life carries on.. and people come and go.. taking of michelangelo..

msn.. and the typing of closely held outbursts...

celebrity weddings at the taj... impressing the parents.. missed dinners.. desert counters... and forgiveness that will never come..

weekend trips and rock concerts... beer dwelling creatures of mojos and pecos... missing reality and rushed goodbyes...

endless messages about nothing...

an ode to sunshine... to a possibility... never explored never given a chance.. an ode to chance..

an ode to a possibility still...

an ode to love.. and little posts of scribbling your mind for the world to read and judge... and forgotten birthdays..

We spotted the ocean at the head of the trail
Where are we going, so far away
And somebody told me that this is the place
Where everythings better, everythings safe
Walk on the ocean
Step on the stones
Flesh becomes water
Wood becomes bone
And half and hour later we packed up our things
We said wed send letters and all those little things
And they knew we were lying but they smiled just the same
It seemed theyd already forgotten wed came**

*cf: Angel, Sarah McLachlan
**cf: Walk on the Ocean, Toad the Wet Sproket

a little pile of goodbyes

2007-04-15T10:01:00.001-04:00

sitting here... on this bed ive called home for the last twenty months or so.. and i see bare walls where memories hung.. and empty tables and shelves where identities were stacked in particular orders... lots of packed boxes and packets.. string tied and brown tape tight.. a life packed into a little heap of luggage...things bought things borrowed things stolen and things thought lost... all in a little pile of goodbyes...

leaves u a certain emptiness.. no matter how much ive been wanting to leave.. now that i finally am.. it does prick a little.. a little uneasiness.. this itch in the throat that isnt harmful but does keep cuming up every once in a while... my only sense of reality and entertainment remains here under my fingers.. as i type away another chapter not of this blog.. but of my life.. as is meant to be.. as i move on to bigger brighter memories.. experience the sense of loss.. not of places.. and familiarities but of people.. people met and people not met enough.. people loved and people not loved honestly.. people forgotten.. and people who i wish i could forget.. but cant... people people people.. isnt life a series of associations.. places and priorities yes.. but mostly people.. on a string i tirade the phantasmagoria of these people.. like running through your phonebook and sending those.. hey long time kiddo.. whats the scene messages every once in a while in a desperate attempt to hold onto associations as you skip places and cities and jobs and priorities and time time time always gnawing away at all of these.. clawing and trying so hard to hold onto some semblance of reality of what was what is and what will be...

the wheel of time turns and the ages come and pass
until memory fades to legend, legend to myth and even myth is long forgotten
when the age that gave its birth comes again...
in an age yet to come.. an age long past..*

i sigh.. a long sigh of goodbye to my soulful mumbai...

*cf: The Eye of The World, Book 1 - The Wheel of Time by Robert Jordan

where you most hope for it...

2007-04-08T07:05:00.001-04:00

dont fight it... jus give in... ive realised over the years and in the past few days... there are three things you cant fight.. gravity... those who love you/those you love and random urges... its pointless i tell u... go ahead jus lie down.. jus listen.. and jus indulge...

or you'll wake up one day with a broken back and pain in places u cant imagine have horrible thoughts and wish you hadnt been such a coward or such a prick all those times.. and then youll realise youre just looking for sympathy and youll find it in the one place you least expect it and most hope for.. and itll jus make your week.. and then youll realise youre leaving and its jus such a complicated little tumble jumble of emotions and what ifs and timing and place and diametric singularities that youll jus wanna lie down hug the pillow an smile and cry all at the same time...

start spreading the news.. im leaving in a week.. its going to be all sorts of new possibilities and problematic come face to face with the pasts all over again.... im looking forward to some of it more that others of course... but thank god its friday.. or wait is that tuesdays at friday...

a doctor an artiste a corporate whip a lawyer a mountain recluse a journalist and another one a couple of investment bankers a couple of hard working heirs a couple of not so hard working heirs... some old friends some new ones and a whole lot of acquaintances... try as u might u can never have things back the way they were.. meant to be?... whose to say... but u always try to recreate hope try and try again.. and then one day youll wake up with a broken dream and a more dazzling reality and youll realise maybe calvin did know a little bit of what he was on about.. not a lot but maybe just a bit and things do get better after they seem worse... and youll find bliss where you least expect it and where you most hope for it..

come home...

Coming Home...

2007-03-27T23:49:00.001-04:00

ok folks.. quick update.. i'm at work and all...

I'm back in delhi... or will be soon enough... for good... I'm leaving behind Mumbai... Toto's... Soulfry... Bandstand... Polys... Hawai'in... Henry's... Poison... The Anda Pau guy at Andheri Station... My Mcdonalds delivery boys!!... and Dominoes and Dynasty and so on and so forth... and I'm coming home to Yellow Brick Road and Larry's China in particular...

I've taken over as the new Sales Manager for The Ambassador Hotel, New Delhi and may be seen whiling away many hours in Khan Market addas... :-) And yes I can give discounts at Yellow Brick Road but it all depends on how nice you are to me...

So.. jus been busy taking things over and understanding the intricacies of hotel operations and the people politics... heading back to bombay friday night to wrap up and pack up there... should be back in town by 15th of next month or so... and get up to some serious drudgery...

till then... I love the roads in Delhi... dude...

the anticipation of the eventuality...

2007-03-16T04:49:00.001-04:00

the anticipation of a happy eventuality.. of a delightful little treat.. a brief conversation.. a few choice words... a smile here a curved lip there... the true bliss involved with a walk down the road.. chasing shadows and dreams..

sometimes memory can be sweeter than reality... the soft brush of her lips.. the smell of rain... the alcohol running in your brain.. the cold mountain air.. and the shiver of maybes...

it isnt jus about being a cynic :-) its about carpe dieam and making your dreams come true, and baring your soul to the world, unafraid and brave, scared and scary, and being one anyway...

you hold her hand.... tight... afraid to let go... frightened that perfection will slip away into oblivion.. but you smile anyway.. cause its here and its now.. you slip an arm around her waist.. the smooth satin rain drenched warm skin... your cold unforgiving hands.. trembling..

a quick laugh... a shake of the head.. playing it down... or it could explode.. into to something wonderful and overpowering all at once...

what is it about just being able to be yourself with someone thats such a relief... its not that bad is it that the veils and masques are so tightly held to one's face that the mere chance of a release is sinful... jus the ability to let that guard down, those double meanings you keep searching for, that you look for that you dont need to worry about...

compliments... the most underated gesture in humanity... few words that can make your day... your week... your moment... anahat's rule: never wait to compliment... its priceless...

the anticipation of the eventuality.. the gorgeous moments that can be...

tonight... you're a cynic..

2007-03-15T16:29:00.000-04:00

rub your eyes... sigh... close them.. lean back on the pillow... pull... aniseed... tonight you're a cynic... no point in resistin... you're surrounded.. inside your mind.. pain.. grief.. sorrow.. alcohol.. impatience.. tonight you can't trust.. no matter how much you want to.. need to.. long for.. for that one smile and a ruffle of the hair.. and know it can be.. real.. but tonight you're a cynic and you know there's no real point... you submit to the self defacing wallowing...

im home.. im exhausted.. no way...

its a dichotomy really.. not an Elliotian shadow*.. no chasm of civilisations.. jus the knowledge that can be and what will be... just won't add up.. distance.. people.. distractions.. personal prejudices.. and the odds just stack up...

the disconnected.. deprived.. disillusioned fragment of a life.. draggin one day from another.. one night into another morning.. hoping.. praying even... but knowing always knowing.. no way...

funny boy... looking forward to eventualities of obvious disappointment... easing into them with foolish notions of romantic idealism.. no way...

mj said it best... the desperation of facebook smiles.. of capturing happiness jus for a moment... smiling.. drinking drearies.. shots! jus to project to the world at large.. look at me im sandra dee.. no way...

fast food and faster affairs.. expensive multimedia phones and meaningless conversations...

six million rupee cars and parents who dont even know their children...

just for tonight.. you're a cynic... but this night too shall pass... but there will be other nights.. of quite desperation...

and at the end all you really have is those that own your soul.. and those you wished still cared..

pseudo friendships and conniving camaraderie...

ab sawaal yeh nahi ki main rahun ya nahi... sawal yeh nahi ki main jiyun ke marun...
sawal yeh hai ki is duniya ko bananewala, chalanewala koi hai..
agar nahi to andhi duniyan main andho ki taranh jeene kya kya fayda
aur agar hai.. to kya woh apne bandho ki sunta hai ki nahi...**

questions of faith..

Hear with your ears the Best; look upon it with clear thought. When deciding between the two beliefs, each for himself before the great consummation, think that it be accomplished to our pleasure***

of light and darkness.. tainted apples and figs...

I sat their waiting - not for anything
beyond good and evil, enjoying now the light, now the shade, now only play,
now the lake, now the moon, wholly time without end,
Then suddenly, Friend, one became two -
And Zarathustra passed me by...***

of not thinking.. just being.. a cynic tonight...

*cf: The Hollow Men, T S Eliot
**cf: Raju Swamy in Vijay Anand's Guide
***cf: Ahunawaiti Gatha, a Hymn accredited to Zarathustra
****cf: Thus spake Zarathustra, Fredrich Wilhelm Nietzche, 1881

the fragmants of imagination...

2007-02-27T13:30:00.000-05:00

imagination will save us all... its the little things you see... the ones that make love perfect.. the ones that let you flirt on sms.. the ones that make you sigh... and smile.. not the glorious displays of vibrant affection.. those have a different place in life.. the little things.. that make it a continuous process of life... of living.. of savouring... the ones that make not for happy endings... but the realisation and revelation that the little things make endings unimportant.. only the journey is important.. riding on the waves of sighs... emails.. and letters.. snubs and below the belts.. things said and things yet to be said.. memories of freshly cut grass and realising for the first times that words can move you.. to tears.. to an epiphany of orgasm... of poets and satire.. the deep gash of sarcasm... more wounding than the physical strike...

He created him, and determined him,
then the way he eased for him,
then makes him to die, and buries him,
then when He wills, He raises him.
No indeed! Man has not accomplished His bidding.*

when does one realise that time is of no essence only life is.. only living is.. does it take holy revelation.. divine light.. or a passing comment from someone you wouldnt normally listen to...

an accident waiting to happen, a piece of glass left there on the beach
when you tell me things i know youre not supposed to, and leave me just out reach...

when you lied to me cause i asked you to, baby can we still be friends**

buzz me if ur in town, itll be great to catch up.. call me, we should do dinner and talk.. where the the hell have you been, whats been going on, when are you coming home, hows bombay treating you... do you often say things you dont mean... be there in five.. love you.. need you... course i love you, why wouldnt I, of course i miss you, why wouldnt I, the vicious self depraving circle of white lies that turn the world.. do you? dont you? doyadontcha?........ dont you?

but this is the real world and darlin doesnt make the cut in the midst of cynical idealism...

stories of payals and pen pals.. of gypsies and rakhis... of duty heavier than a mountain and death lighter than a feather... of the fragments of imagination... of the beginning and ending of imagination all at the same time...

of sounding your barbaric yawp from the rooftops of the world***

i digress.. i often do.. i often have no point whatsoever... i am...

*cf: Sura 80, The Holy Qu'ran
**cf: Whose Gonna Ride You Wild Horses, U2
***cf: Leaves of Grass, Walt Whitman

who is john galt?

2007-02-05T14:50:00.000-05:00

reminiscing about friends and things gone by and things left unsaid i said to her.. and realised i hadnt blogged in like forever.. this is a guilt blog.. hehe..

ok so i love facebook.. hehe. i bloody do.. the whole pic upload-taggin thing's bloody awesum!... everybody needs to get onto it.. like now. go go go.. no i DONT get a cut... i also realised i dont have pictures with so many people id want to.. im gonna change that asap..

well.. ok more serious stuff.. im gonna be quitting so if anybodys not heard that before.. here it is now.. and im serious.. i think i wanna move back home.. im not sure.. im jus being greedy.. seemu the plasma's ready.. varun where is that apartment my bro...?

the plan was to celebrate holi at home.. but that meant i had to put in my papers day before.. which i havent done.. listenin to higher reason which says i should have sumthing in hand before i do that.. so im watchin and waiting.. and wanting.. albert p dolittle stye...

oh well. maybe ill manage gauri's weddin or sumthing.. wow everyones gettin married.. but im not gonna dwell on that it'll depress me even more..

my necks hurting.. been succumbing to a lot more of these little nicks these days...

its about crossroads you see.. ive been working with the taj.. ever since ive been working... so its kinda weird and tough to take this call. so many friends.. so many crazy memories... things done and things said.. its jus that i dont wanna do sales anymore.. global accounts relationship management or whatever the tag.. i dont wanna... its jus a call.. maybe ill come back to it.. maybe i wont.. whos to say.. who is john galt..?

*snip.. excellent week in delhi over new yrs.. like id said.. a great friend made.. and now the same one lost.. i never meant to hurt anyone.. i had promised.. no stories.. and i held to my word.. but how do u deal with an annoyed ex boyfriend whos hell bent on maligning your already fragile reputation.. u cant fight it.. u try..u plead.. but u cant.. so u let up.. and let it go.. its a pity though for sure.. there was something there for sure.. something good and kind.. and a little wave of a hand and a little flick of her hair.. but.. its not to be.. i am sorry.. but im not apologising this time..

*snip..what a weekend in bangalore.. my second.. but u cant compare.. its jus not right.. its just another weekend.. and she is wonderful.. not was.. is... a gem.. but im not ready to marry.. not now. not yet.. not for a while.. and this is india.. and she does have parents.. and they are being dodgy.. dont blame her either.. she showed me love and a carelessly honest loyalty of the obvious.. makes you wanna melt.. but not in this lifetime.. she'll always be special.. just in a different way.. another fleeting glimpse of happiness drifts away... another dawn another day.. anahat's a cynic again... the idealism is stronger than ever though... i am sorry.. but im not apologising this time.. i had not the courage to be loyal.. but i can face the criticism of my vanity head on...

pullll... peach.. hmmmm..

mere bachhe.. dukh se mat ghabrah.. dukh woh amrit hai jisse paap dhulte hain...
main tere se door nahi.. tere andar bahar.. main hi main hoo..sirf main..

na deen hai na duniya.. na insaan na bhagvan. sirf main...**

who is john galt?

**cf: Vijay Anand's Guide

2007...

2007-01-04T23:34:00.000-05:00

all things change.. all things turn over flop around a bit and then sort of evolve into something else... but thats a different story anyway.. merry 2007 to all my alcoholic cynical muppets.. yeah i mean you...

so i went to delhi... it was to say blissfully cold.. and i improved my vocabulary.. i learnt a new term.. 'full fail'... from the augurs of Pattu of Cornell.. full fail is a condition of alcohol poisoning so acute that you feel the need to burn the gods*... explanations will be forthcoming with exaggerated hand movements in person only...

oh in case you're wondering i had an amazing time in delhi... smoked sheesha.. helped a brother.. drank drank.. drank some more.. got sun baked at the golf club.. got me gifted a nice scarf/stole.. bought a fussy girl a pair of jeans.. she decided she isnt marrying me... i made a great friend.. cynical yet gorgeous or is it cute??.. and can she sms... hehe.. got a tooth extracted and upset some gods... polyuriated in every loo at the delhi airport at least twice while truly realizing what 'fog delay causes airport chaos' can be like if u'r in it and not reading it in the paper..

i like sms.. you know its sort of like an open conversation.. it sort of cuts across time and space in ways too personal for im's to handle... its a continuous stream of ideas and smiley faces.. and in some ways.. for people who can write what they feel easier than say it out loud.. its a great tool of expression and confession..

life is back to mumbai though.. to work and evil bosses.. life is back to mundanity and schedules.. life is back to tropical climates where you can actually feel your ends..

lifes back to here.. and now.. lets see what i manage to make of 2007..

kandisa alahaye..

2006-12-06T23:13:00.000-05:00

Kandisa Alahaye, Kandisa Esana Kandisa Alahaye, Kandisa Esana
Aalam Balam Aalam, Aamenu Aamen Sliha Mar Yose,
Almaduba Kudisa Aangen Dhanusa,
Nehave Dukharana
Aalam Balam Aalam, Aamenu Aamen Sliha Mar Yose,
Almaduba Kudisa
Aangen Dhanusa,
Nehave Dukharana Kandisa Alaha, Kandisa Esana,
Kandisa La Ma Yosa Isaraha Malem*

*cf: Kandisa, Indian Ocean

Inviting comments... translations.. situations and interpretations of one the the most brilliant and calming pieces of music ever rendered...

some things just are...

2006-11-27T13:36:00.000-05:00

some things.. they just are.. friendships.. love.. teasing crushes.. some things they just are.. and you cant fight them.. or hide from them.. some things just are.. perfect..

now you can cloud them with self defence mechanisms of prudishness or dabble in them with a longing felt inside.. but it doesnt change the fact... that some things are perfect.. and neither time.. nor social tags or distance.. can really dent them...

so i had breakfast with an old friend.. and it felt like bliss.. it felt perfect.. unpretentious.. real and simple.. perfect.. some things just are...

apparently all that you have is your soul... enh j?... well my soul is happy today and just for that one hour in the morning.. the void felt complete..

we sat and watched pigeons sip in a swimming pool.. we recounted the last quarter of a decade that we'd been apart.. we spoke of things to come and places to see.. we whispered about dream held close to the hearts and wishes that had wings of desire..

and some things just are.. some things never change... and what do you do when you find someone like that.. well you hold on real tight..

some things are never meant to be.. and in many ways they jus wont.. timing.. social stigma.. or jus plain luck.. some things just arent to be.. they cant be recognised officially... then can only be felt in moments of purity.. of perfection.. without vanity.. without altruistic impressions of grandeur.. just with a tilt of the head and the smile of a soul that knows its all you have..

you make your choices and take your chances.. and sometimes just sometimes they're worth it.. i have been explained about how i need to be able to be vulnerable if i am to truly be able to see beyond what is.. to what can be.. or what must be.. and i am ready i am ready i am ready.. i am fine.. i am covered with skin.. and no ones gets to come in.. pull me out form inside..*

when you long for that damn phone to beep so that you know u have another message and its probably her.. when its more important that the good morning message reaches before she can shake the dreams from her hair.. when all you wait for is to hear her laugh once and feel that tingle.. then you know that some things just are.. even when you have no idea of weather then can really be.. they just are..

perfect..

they are all perfect.. like onion pink cherry blossoms in full bloom in the snow.. perfect.. like the smell of fresh pine on a cold december wet morning when its poured all night.. perfect..

*cf: Colourblind, Counting Crows

dilemmas of the soul...

2006-11-12T09:27:00.000-05:00

voids... honestly emptiness.. a lack of.. somethings missing.. a little high.. a little smashed.. quite exhausted.. and the only thing i can really conjure up.. is that i feel a void..

it could be living alone.. it could be companionship.. it could be work.. it could be anything.. or it could be nothing.. it could just be that we're a generation of boys brought up by our mothers, in a cocooned existence of left liberal world views.. never denied.. always encouraged.. always left alone to be ourselves.. try our ideas.. fall and learn on our own.. we are islands.. and in our naivety we our proud individualists... always alone..

y is it ok anahat.. well mostly because i got here on my own terms.. then y r you so empty anahat.. well i havent the foggiest..

but i am here on my own terms.. and i have much to be thankful for.. i do know that any decision i make.. my parents would support. quit.. move cities.. study more.. hibernate for a while.. my friends would encourage.. my cazas would applaud..

what makes you believe that an education no matter how vocational it may be.. needs to lead to a 9to6 job.. am pm.. whatever.. why cant it jus be educational.. experiential..

why do we believe that cars and vodkaredbulls and plasma display panel can fill the soul.. they jus distract.. they're like lava lamps.. enh mj.. look bloody good but serve no real purpose..

oh i dont know.. sometimes the dilemma of weekends is the dilemma of the soul.. way too much time on your hands for endless thoughts.. of endless longings of courage and look at thems..

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
Closer where i Started
Chasing after you

i'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all i've held onto
i'm standing here until you make me move
i'm hanging by a moment here with you

forgetting all i'm lacking
completely incomplete
i'll take your invitation
you take all of me
now.. i'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all i've held onto*

*cf: Hanging by a Moment, Lifehouse

one life to live...

2006-11-05T11:17:00.000-05:00

sometimes.. ur sittin on a sunday evening.. and lifes a whirl.. a blur of realities and possibilities.. i think what i hold most against myslef is that i forget to be careful.. about people.. its the only thing where i have double standards.. i whine like a girl with a shinned knee.. (pseudofeminists please calm down.. it jus puts it more into perspective.. no harm done) when it comes to me.. and yet i go ahead and take way too many liberties when it comes to others..

at twentyfive and the reality of who you are is a bit more turbulent than you'd like.. sheeeshee... in... blow... close your eyes.. smile.. sigh... anahat apologies... im sorry..

*snip..

i'm sixteen.. im in school.. im seeing the most wonderfully alive person in the world.. she's everything to me.. i know im everything to her.. but its too shielded.. its too perfect.. and i want more.. i want life.. i want pain.. i want pleasure.. i want stark reality.. i want to experience which i cant with her.. not then.. not like that... so i break a heart.. prudishly and childishly.. im sorry..

*snip

i'm seventeen.. my life is centered around the closest friend in the world to me... she's kind.. she's pretty.. shes way too nice.. the line is a dot.. there is no line.. it merges.. its spills... i get confused.. i get scared.. i get personal.. i get selfish.. i am selfish.. im reckless with her.. im sorry..

*snip

i'm eighteen.. she's twenty two.. shes spirited.. shes talented.. but shes just a girl too.. its amazin.. its exciting.. but im too.. aggressive.. was it? too demanding.. too brazen.. it all gets mixed up.. its jus been four weeks.. it swings from theatre to writing to books to some amazing sensuality.. its marxist.. its black coffee.. and it confuses me.. it confuses her.. im impatient.. im rash.. im cruel... im sory..

*snip

i'm nineteen.. i'm contemptible.. i'm still just a kid.. its on msn.. its in real life.. it's college.. its trying to grow up too fast.. it's nine months.. ive grown.. ive learned.. shes wonderful.. its so many new emotions.. wallpaper.. kids names.. you want how many kids.. its all too fast.. im nineteen.. im still contemptible.. its too intense.. love.. life.. commitment.. we ruin it.. im sorry...

*snip

i'm still nineteen.. its about e and the perfect high.. its about cars and women.. its about airwalk and gap.. its about vodka and plotu's.. its about rebounding.. its about the longest talks of endless life.. its about dismantling someone.. its about ego.. its about knowing somethings over somethings not going to be.. its about jus going along.. its not fair.. im sorry...

*snip

im still nineteen.. im twenty.. what r there names?.. im sorry...

*snip

im still twenty.. diwali.. a payal.. a girl.. a friend.. an obtuse enigma.. habitat... the lighthouse.. books.. Johnathan Livingston seagull.. ayn rand.. turtel cafe.. misunderstandings and too many feelings.. too much to grapple with.. honestly i thought.. nevermind.. im sorry...

*snip

i'm twenty one.. you belong to me.. detox.. expectations reduces joy.. i need a coke.. smash.. bell jar.. little prince.. imperial garden.. flavours.. never know falling for someone so quickly.. too quickly? so completely.. lightening.. melodramatic.. naah.. it was real.. it was amazing.. hi.. one of my friends asked me why im wearing this ring?.. she asked if i was engaged.. hehe.. no its my girlfriends.. oh yeah.. it is.. hi.. we're going out. jus wann tell you.. hehe.. okok ill asssssk you out nice and proper when im back.. but jus know it.. we are.. wow. does that really happen.. lives.. realities.. continuous merging.. dreams.. pains.. passions.. real.. lives entwined into perfection. she completed me.. in so many ways.. we were the same in so many ways.. falling in love.. synaulia.. tumse milke aisa laga.. arman hue pure dil ke.. families and parties. phone bills and delhi trips.. friends and best friends.. crushes and breakups.. everything jus washed by.. blurred past.. we were us.. everything peripheral.. is it? it catches up.. its creates cracks.. and when it snaps.. oh dear.. call it goa.. call it the distance.. call it u and me. call it ego.. nevermind.. i was mean.. i lied.. i did.. i conspired.. i was malicious.. what do you do with a love so intense.. you cant control it.. the heart contorts.. i fought. i screamed.. but i loved.. i love stil.. im sorry...

*snip

i'm twenty three.. we met at a wedding.. weddings they say.. great place for hook ups.. well would you beleive it.. she was kind.. she was a rebel.. she had this energy.. this longing.. to do more.. to be more.. but i wasnt ready... and neither was she.. we grappled.. she bit.. too hard.. we watched movies and had endless and endless cups of coffe.. we talked and had sushi.. i didnt know hat i felt.. i bloody well knew what i felt.. but i was too damn scared.. and i was careless.. nono.. not careless.. but i should have been more careful.. in a city i hated in a city i was so eager to leave for an elesiac dream of another.. she was the only real person i wish id been more careful about.. im sorry...

*snip

im still twenty three. and the sex was amazing.. endless days.. not so many nights.. some ice cream.. movenpick was it.. you could never be on time.. leather bar.. pasha.. that dress.. wow.. jus be careful.. im not ready to be in anything.. well thats just fine neither am i.. feed the soul.. feed the space.. feed the void.. (nitin bro we're out again.. u'r turn to the chemist.. cant he home deliver.. i hate his wierd smile)... but i was cheating.. was it really cheating. i dindt feel it.. not emotionally.. oh the sex was insane.. but.. i wanst all there. i know that.. did she... im sorry...

*snip

im twenty four.. one two three four five six seven.. oh her.. ya i slwpt with her.. hmm.. shes cute.. hmm.. oooh nice ass.. hi.. how you doin.. hmmm.. should i drop you home then.. its about seven am.. endless.. what was is.. meaningful sex with meaningless people.. what do you become.. anahat ur a slut.. maybe i am.. but a few.. i shoudnt have.. just because u can doesnt mean you should. you know..do you.. i was a rebound.. really.. if it fits.. and you.. and her.. and her.. oh god.. im sorry... were freinds.. the morning afters.. dont return that call. dont pick up her phone.. eight nine ten eleven twelve thirteen.. oh god.. im sorry

*snip

and now im twentyfive... will i write another one soon.. will i make the same mistakes.. will i learn.. ive taken few apologies my way too you know.. haha.. it does hurt doesnt it.. u want what u cant have.. and the minute you can.. what happens then..

one life to live.. and you live it the way you can..

manzilon pe aake lut te hain dilon ke karavan
kashtiyan sahil pe aksar doobti hain pyar ki

pyar kana jurm hai to jurm hamse ho gaya
kabilen mafi hua karte nahi aise gunah
tang dil hai yeh jahan aur sang dil mera sanam
kya karen joshe junoo, aur hosla phir kya karen

cf: *Manzilen Apni Jagah, Ost - Sharabi

taking a call..

2006-10-31T12:45:00.000-05:00

you tell me where to go and though i might leave to find it...
ill never let your head hit the bed without my hand behind it...*

the best sex i ever had of my life was on a chennai morning... the worst.. well thats another story... the thing is.. i was reading what a friend wrote... and it struck me that its all a bit fussed over and overrated.. i suppose.. and then again.. its all a bit intense.

whats it all about.. the satisfaction of simultaneous erotic orgasms.. or the caveman masochistic notion of being able to give more than you get.. in a multiplistic sort of a way... or is it more carnal.. more basic.. jus sex yeah.. gettin laid.. gettin another 'dent on the bedpost'... i like that.. i woulda gone with.. notch on your hilt.. or is it higher.. making love.. long passionate fabulous love.. is it...

who knows... but I will tell you this.. Its defiantly personal... more so than anything else ever.. and its so wicked.. cause you have to share it.. and you cant ignore that... so weather you regret it. miss it. love it. hope for it. or jus overdo it. its still really personal.

and when it comes down to it.. you gotta decide.. what sort of person are you.. left wing doesnt mean in bed.. liberal doesnt mean liberal about casual sex.. free spirited doesnt equal one night stands..

I always supposed i was the sort of person who wouldnt have a one night stand.. too idealistic i supposed.. too much faith in the heart... was i wrong..

live completely yes.. absorb every iota of what life can offer.. and in some ways this too.. but i dont know.. at some point you just take a call and decide..

ive decided.. and therefore since i cannot practice.. i preach...

*cf: Your Body is a Wonderland, John Mayer

The seat of Jivatman

2006-10-31T09:50:00.000-05:00

The Anahat chakra is physically positioned at the heart region. Traditionally, this chakra is represented as a green flower with twelve petals which match the vrittis of lust, fraud, indecision, repentance, hope, anxiety, longing, impartiality, arrogance, incompetence, discrimination and defiance.

Anahat is associated with the ability to make decisions outside of the realm of karma. In Manipura and below, man is bound by the laws of karma, and the fate he has in store for him. In Anahata, one is making decisions, 'following your heart', based upon one's higher self, and not from the unfulfilled emotions and desires of lower nature. The 'wish-fulfilling tree', kalpa taru, resides here, symbolising the ability to manifest whatever you wish to happen in the world.

It is also associated with love and compassion, charity to others, and forms of psychic healing.

Anahat is the seat of the Jivatman.

Ra Ra Ra!

2006-10-28T04:52:00.000-04:00

from last night.... at Ra! Phoenix Mills, Mumbai

Last Night's Pics

hippy burday to me...

2006-10-27T01:43:00.000-04:00

hipppy burrrday to me...!
yes I am predictable.. and I am vain.. but i dont care.. I am twenty five.. and I am allowed...

you're done.

2006-10-23T15:11:00.000-04:00

kehna ko alvida keh de...
par saath rahoge tum sada...
is mod se agle mod talakh hamko bhi saathi chalne de...

a quarter of a centuary into life you wake up and realise youve made your friends.. its not an ongoing process.. there are people out there that own your soul and your lives.. its all divided up and hashed out.. you're done.

I have decided.

1. By next diwali.. my birthday.. I will be back in Delhi... come what may.
2. I have a timetable, I have a plan, and now I have a reason...
3. I'm finished with being single.. and I'm finished with my randomness...
4. I am reformed.. and you will see..

I have decided.

*cf: Hip Hip Hurray

elysiums are replaced...

2006-10-08T01:35:00.000-04:00

I spend the night
Yeah looking for my insides in a hotel room
Waiting for you
Were gonna make it tonight
Yeah something in the air tells me the time is right so we better get on
Dont wanna wait
Lord Ive been waiting all my life but
Im too late again
I know but I was scared

koyla is the past... I have found my soul... as commercial as it is.. its the capitalistidealistrockfansdream... Hard Rock Cafe.. back after some Mumbai Police Licensing issues.. The place is wonderful.. all sorts of memorabilia to titillate the idle and progressively intoxicated minds... guitars signed by Jimmy Page.. Full feature album cover of Vitology, Gus Van Sant's Jacket from some groundbreaking performance... and much more... A fabulous sound system... and a DJ with a gift.. who plays Yellow, Even Flow, Black, Patience and Coming Back to Life in the same night... its Mezz but this one isn't dingy and smoke filled.. its huge and lively and not that expensive.. honest...
The place just buzzes.. it manages to tolerate the pseudopartiers who must come to the newest nightspot in town along with the grunge induced kobain fans.. its lets you bawl in your worst drunken stupor to whatever remote rendition you know of the song that's playin.. it doesn't pretend to be all .. hard rock cafe.. its lets you be yourself.. you can sit like an old foggy and grab a bite or crowd the elevated bar area in bachavellian Mellie...
Its lets you breathe.. and I can't claim that of many places...

Cant you see Im moving like a train into some foreign land
I aint Got a ticket for this ride but I will
Cant stop looking back no no
One more for the lovers
O brother wont you lend a hand Im alone in a room
And Im waiting for love
I dont know when this dreams gonna stop
But Im telling you friend I dont want to get up...

Oh, play a song for the lover tonight
Dj, play a song for the lovers tonight*

*cf: Song for the Lovers, RichardAshcroft

and being ready...

2006-10-04T15:05:00.000-04:00

Many's the time I've been mistaken
And many times confused
Yes, and I've often felt forsaken
And certainly misused
Oh, but I'm alright, I'm alright
I'm just weary to my bones
Still, you don't expect to be
Bright and bon vivant
So far a-way from home, so far away from home*

This post isn't about being far away from home... this post is about confusions and expectations.. this is a post about being alright... about being forsaken.. and still being alright... this is a post about hope and drudgery... bachavellian drudgery... and being upto it... this is a post about life and its turns.. about mornings and being missed when it rains.. its about fleeting glimpses while driving past and beautiful women in red.. its about concerts and concertos... its about being a bridge over troubled waters.. and about swimming against the wind... its about deep breaths and heavy sighs.. this is a post about crowds and mall fright.. its about pretences and egos.. its about phone calls in the middle of the night and good morning sms's... its about waking up in the morning and raising your weary head.. its about... feeling small... sitting wasted and wounded... this is a post about emotional insecurities.. and being ready... this is a post about the human need to be needed... its about enlightenment and lighting joints... this is a post about leading her down... this is about raising her up... this is a post about Wednesday nights and Sunday afternoons... this is a post about the smell of freshly baked bread and of pine early in the morning after the rains.. this is a post about lindt dark chocolate thins and about Aladdin... its about holidays and vacations and exhalations... its about road rage and podding.. this is a post about realisations... that love isn't just about waking up next to her and knowing that you're completely vulnerable.. but also about accepting and letting go... this is a post about all the little things.. and all the big ones as well.. this is a post about... the life I'm living...

*cf: American Tune, Simon and Garfunkel

forsaken...

2006-10-03T01:03:00.000-04:00

she has forsaken me.. i have no doubt that god is a woman with a wicked sense of humour...

You`re dangerous `Cause you`re honest
You`re dangerous You don`t know what you want
Well you left my heart Empty as a vacant lot For any Spirit to haunt
Hey hey Sha la la Hey hey
You`re an accident Waiting to happen
You`re a piece of glass Left there on the beach
Well you tell me things I know you`re not supposed to
When you leave me Just out of reach*

Anahat went on a weekend trip to Delhi, Anahat has learnt the following lessons:

1. Never underestimate Mumbai Traffic or be prepared to pay for it, literally.
2. Never interfere with Bawa when he's drunk... let the bastard get thokoed.. u wont end up almost dislocating you own shoulder at the least.
3. Never underestimate or compromise on the little joys you can cause the ones you love the most, specially your folks.
4. Do not get so drunk that you regret who you wake up with the next morning. Well not regret but more so.. 'worry yourself about messing other things up'
5. Never be involved in a setup where you know both people. You have no objectivity.
6. If someone tells you honestly that the`re "pretty messed up and if i had to give u advice abt myself i'd tell u to keep me at a distance... really!" L I S T E N T O H E R
7. Never start intorductions with 'Oh I've heard so much about you from ......' You have no Idea what that equation really was... ;-)

Ironically Anahat doesn't do learn.. but maybe it'll help in some way.

I dig my toes into the sand
The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds
Strewn across a blue blanket
I lean against the wind
Pretend that I am weightless
And in this moment I am happy...happy

I wish you were here**

*cf: Who's gonna ride your Wild Horses, U2, Achtung Baby
**cf: Wish You Were Here, Incubus

and im living this life..

2006-09-23T05:43:00.000-04:00

kya batoon maa kahan hun main
yahan urden ko mere khula aasman hai

yahan sapno waala meri patang
ho befiakr udd rahi hai maa
dor koi lutne nahi
beech se kaate na*

its all about expectation.. and the reality of it all.. aight lemme be comprehesible here.. its a saturday afternoon.. and im home.. im listenin to some music tyrin to make plans for miami vice or united 93... and im living this life.. and thinking about something someone said.. something not so nice.. something adorable.. im planning my monday in my head.. im re-reading some sms's and smiling... im thinking i should blog.. im living this life... but what i really wanna do is slow right down and jus take a break form it all.. its largely laziness and a bit of disdain and disparity at the whole working thing.. im bored.. im tired and ive jus gotten promoted.. so i have a whole new assignment and things to do and people to meet and days to live... and i shouldnt be feeling any of this.. not in a fair sort of way.. this is what i wanted and now ive gotten it.. but im still bored.. and im wondering if i should be home... i was planning to make it for next weekend.. but not to be.. so you see whats happening here right.. my forced life.. this work thing.. is making me compromise for what i really want... to jus be home for a weekend.. be with mum for her birthday.. and catch up with this girl.. thats what i want.. and this is what im doing.. and its voluntary.. its confusing.. i should pack up and go home instead of incessantly whining about it on blogs.. but im not.. this is the life im living and im so used to it and so in the routine and so about some sense of whats the proper thing to be doing.. considering this new assignment which i apparently wanted and never really did except aspirationally and now ive gotten so im gonna have to jus stay in mumbai... for atleast another year or so.. and live this life... that im living.. and ive chosen and i dont want.. not really.. sigh..

to be seveteen and not have the freedom to make your own choices.. to be able to blame it all on others or circumstances.. dont even have that luxury any more..

i want to go to goa.. i want a caprioshka and a hot sun..

*cf: Lukha Chupi, Rang de Basanti, UTV 2006

settle for yourself...

2006-09-10T03:18:00.000-04:00

naino ki mat suniyo re...
naino ki jaban par bharosa nahi aata...
na likhat padat na raseed na khata...
saari baat hawai...
naina banwra kardenge... naina thag lenege...*

So you meet up with someone... and theres this little connect.. and eventually you get past the pleasantries of casual flirting and familiarising.. my favourtie part is the four degrees of connections.. you find out how you know them.. now if ur from delhi.. thats not difficult cause everybody knows everybody.. literally... but even so.. it always surprises me about the 'wow whata small world' line and how true it can be.. anyway.. so ur past the nice shoes and oh so u went to skool here.. do u know.. or really u work here.. do u... and now its time for some soulful flirting.. the connection... so eventually u get to one of the whaddya like best/notice first about her sortov provocation.. all a disguised and desperate attempt at picking up some meaningless praise.. so if ur smart ud answer with something that works.. oh its sense of humour.. and btw.. your really witty or some mickeymouseobviousattempt at gratuity of the sort.. or the.. eyes.. i notice her eyes... yeah fucking hell right.. we know exactly what you're looking at u pedomasochisticmoron... *SIGH* anyway...

why am i venting... ? oh i went out last night and i got hit on.. though its nice and enjoyable.. i jus find the whole thing so annoyingly pretentious its annoying.. also i was being ignored by someone else.. anyway...

the point i suppose.. and there must be one... is jus that there is so much masquerading on in the world.. people.. and their masques.. trying so hard to fit in or be someone they're not and so much peer/fashion/tv influence that most of humanity is like a unambiguous horde.. youve flirted with one cute chick with a decent hourglass straight hair slightly streaked in mango or ferrgamo and youve flirted with them all.. i was so hoping.. jus for the minute... jus for a real smile.. a decent exchange of something real last night.. but it jus didnt happen... pity.. she was sweet.. maybe even a luvly girl.. jus didnt have it in her to be her.. how sad is that... im being judgemental..? really.. harsh... well maybe.. but i still think its pretty true in general...

aim for perfection and settle for yourself...

be gold...**

*cf: Naina, Ost - Omkara
**cf: Benson and Hedges Lights print campaign, Ogilvy & Mather

TAG - Grumble!

2006-08-25T08:24:00.000-04:00

I am thinking about... why I agreed to this, okok Im at work and this is the LEAST tedious thing I have on my anvil
I said... a is a. then someone told me to behave. i havent figured it out either.
I am... bored.... now.. in life.. generally...
I want to... sit on a fucking beach and have a fucking caprioshka and not worry about deadlines.
I wish... i could sit ona fucking beach and have a fucking caprioshka and not worry about deadlines.
I love... completely.
I cry... more than I should... but rarely.. but more than I should when I do...
I hear... a fucking caprioshka saying.. come come come... no I dont. I jus didnt get this one...
I wonder... if anyone give s a shit about anything "I...."
I regret... No regrets... anahat has no regrets. Yeah right!!
I confuse... Love and Need... sometimes..
I dance... like a jackass on e.. but I love it...
I sing... terribly and all the time...
I am not always... arrogant and vain and proud and grumblle!!
I write... badly... very...
I need... a lot of help!

I Tag Nobody. I dont wanna put anyone through this. But if Maya or Aparna or Ashima volunteer. Would love to hear it.

unplugged sheeseee...

2006-08-23T14:56:00.001-04:00

shed a tear cause i'm missing you now
im still allright to smile
girl i think about you everyday now
was a time when i wasn't sure
but you set my mind at ease
there is no doubt u'r in my heart now
said woman.. take it slow and it'll work itself out fine
all we need is just a little patience*

i have realised i love my sheeshee.... jus recently recovered from some nasty throat infection.. tonsillitis sort of a bout... and promptly to al fakheer grape... i have also realised apart from sad depressing guru datt movie songs.. i love listening to unplugged versions of songs i love listening to anyway...

so i decided to pod them all... any unplugged song i could get my hands on that i barely recognised... and i found some gems i couldn't believe... apart from something like nickelback's hero... i found a gnr version of patience which has slash playing a imagine medley in the middle..

wonderful stuff... which kinda got be thinking... whatever happened to gnr.. they made some of the most ridiculously amazing music ever... and i distinctly remember a botoxed version of axl on some award show... it was crap...

hmmm.. some of these guys just dont come again.. the Rush's the gnrs the metallicas the pearl jams... i mean sure some of them are still making great music.. but u cant do another nothing else matters now can you... you can try i suppose.. which is what these guys r up to...

hmmm its about peaking i suppose... i suppose that's why we have so many one hit wonders out there...

jus some thoughts... apparently blogging is about publishing thought...

*cf: Patience, Appetite for Destruction, Guns and Roses

home is a feeling....

2006-08-10T13:23:00.000-04:00

yeh joh des hai tera... swades hai tera...
tuhi toh hai rah jo sujhae... tuhi to hai jo yeh batae...
chahe to jis disha pe jaye... wahi des...*

i'm going home tomorrow... true its for like four days... but it feels great to feel it.. i'm going home tomorrow... yes aman i know mumbai is closer than new york.. but home is a feeling.. its about feeling a longing and a belonging...and trust me... in that sense mumbai is just as far away from home as new york... you travel the world and see the sights... you live your lives in many places with many people and for many reasons... but home is home... and eventually we all need to go back home.. even it is jus for 4 days...

someone asked me today if i really missed home that much.. and unabashed i said... yes.. i miss mum and dad and home.. and my friends and my cuzzas... i miss khan and habitat and iic.. i miss lodi road and vasant vihar.. i miss mickeys and niruals and tgif at priya and i miss aurangzeb road... i dont miss delhi.. but i miss home.. and i miss it terribly...

usually you get so caught up in your new lives and the compulsions of your job or whatever and you cloud your mind and your heart with things to do... and places to go... and miles to go... but the heart misses the feeling of home...

when u sit alone on the beanbag and put the lights out and listen to some tunes and smoke the sheeshee thats when it hits u... thats when it overwhelms you...

will u go back to delhi? i will.. eventually i have to.. familys there.. friends will come there... its home ya...

in xanadu did kublai khan a stately pleasure dome decree...**

*cf: Yeh jo Des Hai Tera, Swades
**cf: Kublai Khan, Samuel Taylor Coleridge

whirlwind of emotions...

2006-07-30T06:34:00.000-04:00

a whirlwind of emotions.. thats what life really is... at the end of the day.. or at the beggining of it all.. shock.. surprise.. curiosity... anger.. hate.. love.. remorse... joy... ecstacy... longing... desire... momentaty contentment... drunken stupor... and the comfort of the familiar and the nostalgia of a quater of a decade of feelings...

cant deny its been a haitus... jus didnt feel like writing.. then i read butsy's post (http://bahel.blogspot.com) and oh the nostalgia hit like a torrent.. if i delve into that... ill be here forever... so ill just babble...

at home.. staring at pictures of friends.. and a wave hits on top... lemon yellow sun... and arms on my notebook... the remains of last night lay on the floor below... daddy and mommy too far away... anahat blogs again....

sigh... i saw omkara.. its vishal bharadwaj's u.p. version of othello.. you may recall he made a version of macbeth titled maqbool some time ago... lets hope we see his hamlet and king lear soon enough... brilliant bloody flick.. and ajay devgan the uglier he gets the better actor he turns into...

so i jus ordered mcdonalds.. the delivery guys even have my cellphone number now.. dont even bother ringing the damn bell cause they know the musics too lound and the ac.s on and the doors closed...

spiked my large diet coke with a larger smirnoff.. am hungover.. and this always works...

going to go over to a colleague/friends place in a bit... drink some more.. and talk about work and politics.. and work politics and smoke a nice sheeshee ive got her hubby addicted to... haha.. srijan my brother the web continues.. your disciples are everywhere spreading the religion...

im goin home.. on 11th... im gonna jus catch asim and deeksha who are gettin engaged on the 5th and do my rakhi dues for the 9th and catch srij before he leaves on the 12th and meet his new girlfriend and some of my friends and yeah go to barog for a day and meet mum.. THIS IS MY BREAK.. wow... sometimes i think i should shift home and avoid all this melodrama...

im not moving to delhi.. i was supp to and i know i told a bunch of u i was.. but im not.. mumbai it is.. despite the floods and bomings and riots cause someone dissed some statue (??) im here cause this is where careers are forged... and ive got promoted recently and moving into a new assignment..

jus got back from goa.. nono.. didnt do any e.. went for work.. marketing confrence.. lots strategy, champagne the entire senior management of indian hotels and some very nice food themes at the taj exotica...

i feel alone.. again.. srijans latest foray makes me wonder if i really like being single or is it jus disguised commitment phobia..

aarit's moving to mumbai.. thats nice.. another pool of familiarity in this concrete jungle of oneupmanship and selfish pragmatism...

i so need to stop drinking and dialing/smsing... when will i learn...

need more smirnof.... pour.... hmmm..... im going to play some tekken V... its very liberating...

were jus too lost souls living in a fish bowl.. year after year....*

*cf: Wish You Were Here: Pink Floyd

65 months to go...

2006-06-02T02:20:00.001-04:00

progress report...

your lips move, but i cant here what you're saying
when i was a child i had a fever, my hands felt like two baloons
now ive got that feeling once again, i cant explain, you will not understand, this is not how i am...
i have become... comfortably numb*

1. have been consuming unequivocal quantities of black coffee... my soul's loving it...
2. picked up my preserved and still illegal copy of satanic verses and have started to read it...
3. have picked up my pristine copy of trial and have tried to regrasp kafka...
4. sheeshee... smiles.. eka... all on track
5. Its raining... yay... there was smiling.. there were open arms there were streams of acid rain cleansing my soul... its was exhilarating...
6. ooh im saving on money and trying to be nicer... this is rougher than you can imagine...
7. i bought the four dvd box set of live aid and watched joan baez singing amazing grace.... wow...

things r on track...

ive decided to get an audi before 30... i have 65 months....

*cf: Comfortably Numb, Pink Floyd

bittersweet...

2006-05-31T06:45:00.000-04:00

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Try to make ends meet
Your a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places where all the things meet yeah
No change,I can't change I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mould, I am here in my mould
But I'm a million different people from one day to the next
I can't change my mould
Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind,I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now*

greatest song in the world.. my song..

*cf: Bittersweet Symphony, The Verve

give up forever...

2006-05-28T07:57:00.000-04:00

*and id give up forever to touch you and just know that you feel me somehow...
you're that closest to heaven that ill ever be and i dont want to go home right now

there is this ad... of the new liril.. and its gorgeous... makes me wanna fall in love all over again.. makes me wanna tease.. and play.. and chase and fall down, and jus lie next to her.. knowing that shes next to me... and that its love... god i feel so alone sometimes and it scares the shit outta me even more that ill never feel that again.. not truly.. not with all my heart.. cause how do you stop being a cynic.. how do you drop that addiction. that habit.. and trust...and let yourself.. even for a second.. jus allow yourself to be vulnerable again...and jus... jus let go.. and fall..

sigh....

*cf: Iris, Goo Goo Dolls - OST City of Angels

I am soulless

2006-05-24T09:54:00.000-04:00

of mans first disobedience.. and the fruit of that forbidden tree*

list of things I haven't done in about a year

1. Volunteered to watch a half ass decent play unless cajoled into it.
2. Frolicked in or experienced in any exhilarating form, the rain
3. Frolicked in or experienced in any exhilarating form, the wind
4. Played Scrabble
5. Bought myself a McDonald's Happymeal Toy
6. Read a decent book completely
7. Had black coffee

oh the list is endless... I have no soul left.. all the things that mattered seem not to. Its not evolution thats always for the better, survival of the fittest and all that, this is degradation, this is disillusionment, this is the pits

I'm not sure how it started.. but i have a decent idea... anyway bygones.. the point is that i'm not going to let it continue...

so i have an action plan.

1. Read some books
2. Make work a 9-6 financier - not a be all and end all
3. Spend as much time with eka as possible i.e. wine i.e. sheesha i.e. smiles
4. Start living rather than just existing
5. And do it with everything I have
6. blog more...
7. I am going to be open to plausibles...
8. Meditation...
9. whenever I waver I shall watch Dead Poets Society or Guide and feel rejuvenated

I am soulless... but I'm working on it... I have a plan in place...
progress reports and more blabbering should follow...

In Xanadu did Kublai Khan a stately pleasure dome decree... **

*cf: Paradise Lost, John Milton, Book 1 Para 1 Line 1
**cf: Kublai Khan, Samuel Taylor Coleridge

TAS II

2006-04-26T11:29:00.001-04:00

so i didn't get in then... well bygones...

but i must say that the process was extremely anal retentive and quite non transparent... also for a group thats almost gone hoarse harping on and on about loyalty and group vision and the tata way and all that brianwahsing they do to you up at tmtc... 17 direct recruits and 3 internal ones.. seems hypocritical or that someone's not thinkin straight at tas...

either way... i did get loads of attention and wishes and 'there r other things for u out there' sms's.. all very sweet..

so im off to delhi then... for about a week to clear my head and get some perspective on my 'still floundering and non-adrenalised' career... i think i'm about ready to start pluggin in some 18hr days now for someone who's willing to pay me bundles of money...

more later...

tata administrative services...

2006-04-15T08:44:00.000-04:00

hmmm... yes well i do realise its been a long haitus, but you see, i was busy, tied down and i was having nervous breakdowns... so let me update you... i have just finished the long and ardous process of applying for the tata administrative services in the hope of giving my floundering career and mental boredom a helluva adrenaline shot... its basically an in house grooming program for tata employees that identifies 'group resources' and puts you on the fast track for senior management... its the golden ticket baybee.. at least in the tata group...
so appraisals and gmats and one very long ass application form.. which included four essays and a statement of purpose... later.. and two very distinct and very attention soaking nervous breakdowns later.. im all done... now all i have to do is.. oh yeah.. get in...
easier said than done... have what appears to be a very scary 'assessment centre' for two days on 24/25 of this month in front of bombay house bigwigs...
oh and also... i'm still working for taj yeah.. none of my clients give a mickey mouse shit in hell what im applying for and expect prompt reverts and complete efficiency.. so its been busy.

have to also mention that it's found a friend for life.. one supposes.. darling of a child... very snooty, egoistic, vain and anal retentive about most things.. twin...

'my statement of purpose is to effect meaningful change'
-hehe

jinhe naaaz hain hind par....

2006-03-28T14:34:00.000-05:00

yeh kooche yeh neelam ghar dilkashi ke
yeh lut te hue karwan zindagi ke
kahan hain kahan hai muhafiz khudi ke
jinhe naaz hai hind par woh kahan hain
kahan hai kahan hai kahan hai

yeh kurpech galiyan yeh badnam baazar
yeh gumnaam rahi yeh sikkon ki jhankar
yeh ismat ke sauden yeh saudaun pe takrar
jinhe naaz hai hind par woh kahan hain
kahan hai kahan hai kahan hai

yeh sadiyon si bekhwaab sehmi si galiyan
yeh masli huin ad khili zald galiyan
yeh bikti hui khokli rang raliyan
jinhe naaz hai hind par woh kahan hain
kahan hai kahan hai kahan hai

woh ujle gareechon maian payal ki chan chan
thaki haari saanson pe table ki dhan dhan
woh ujle dareechon maian payal ki chan chan
thaki haari saanson pe table ki dhan dhan
yeh behrooh kamron me khansi ki than than
jinhe naaz hai hind par woh kahan hain
kahan hai kahan hai kahan hai

cf: Sahir Ludhiyanvi, Pyaasa: 1957

enough said....

2006-03-21T09:36:00.000-05:00

yeh mehlon yeh takhton yeh tajon ki duniyan
yeh insaan ke dushman samajon ki duniya
yeh daulat ke bhooke rawazon ki duniya
yeh duniya agar mil bhi jaae to kya hai...
yeh duniya agar mil bhi jaae to kya hai...
har ek jism ghayal har ek rooh pyaasi
nigahon me uljhan dilon main udasi
yeh duniya hai ya aalme bad hawa si
yeh duniya agar mil bhi jaae to kya hai...
yeh duniya agar mil bhi jaae to kya hai...
yahan ek khilona hai insan ki hasti
yeh basti hai murda paraston ki basti
yahan par to jeevan se hai maut sasti
yeh duniya agar mil bhi jaae to kya hai...
yeh duniya agar mil bhi jaae to kya hai...

jala do ise bhoon dalon yeh duniya
mere samne se hatha do yeh duniya
tumhari hai tum hi sambhalon yeh duniya*

enough said...

*cf: Sahir Ludhiyanvi, Pyaasa: 1957

oh the horror the horror*

2006-03-19T23:22:00.000-05:00

oh the horror the horror... they have shut down koyla... sigh... another one bites the dust... entire posts dedicated to the blissful elesium are now all that remain to speak of its greatness... sigh...

anyway moving on.. for one must... from all circumstances.. good, bad or ugly... i suppose one never knows, they may be renovating... re inventing, the place was always bloody packed so they can't 'ave shut 'cause they weren't doing well.. must be something else for sure... one has only hope to go on anyway...

in other news I am one step closer to gandhian self reliance... i bought a gas.. one of those all in one click the thing on.. wheee buzzz... flame things... for the koyla.. not that koyla.. the little black stuff... for the sheeshee.. there is also big floppy beanbag... its too comfortable.. now all we need to do is cultivate some women.. or get to know those hotties on the 9th floor and we'l never have to leave home ever again... poorn swaraj...

what does one have, if not hope.. eventually...

*cf: Heart of Darkness: Joseph Conrad

dido... here with me...

2006-02-28T15:00:00.000-05:00

the real problems are the kind that blindside you at 4pm on an idle tuesday*... or 1am... like this urge of mine.. to hear this song... you know sometimes u jus need to hear this song and u dont know why or what... so the onlything i know about it, is a snippet i caught of it in this flick.. love actually... oh brilliant flick btw.. truly british.. soppy and very perverted... like hugh grants onion pink shirt in notting hill.. neway.. so its this scene in which keira comes over to watch her wedding viedo at her now husbands 'doesnt really like her much' best friends place and discovers he's completely in love with her.. the scene ends with his admission of it being a 'self preservation kinda thing'... very well done.. and then he walks outta the place and scares some decent christmas shoppers with exxagerated antics of grief and annoyance... with this song playing the background.. and thats the one i neeeeeeded to hear... cept ya i donno the name.. or the title.. so i limewire 'love actually' and pop over a dozen bloody songs and they all sound like they coud be the one... anyway.. 7 unsuccessful songs and one very gorgeous lady's help later i find it... dido... here with me...blissful....

its playing now and goin on my ipod for experiences with mumbai traffic...

so apparently illegal file sharing software and gorgeous women can solve the most critical of dilemnas... thats the moral of this story...

oh i gave my gmat this friday.. nerveracking and troubling as it was.. i didnt do as well as i wanted to.. but well enough for things to come...

*cf: Baz Lurhman - Everybody's Free (to wear sunscreen)

selection of realities...

2006-02-12T17:43:00.000-05:00

sometimes... it seems we lead such jaded lives.. so shielded from a whole different section and selection of realities.. i was watchin some movies today... d... presumably about the rise of dawood... and d company... tombstone.. the story of wyatt earp and doc holiday... and in the middle, line of duty... what im tryin to say i guess is that if you think about it... we all live such separate lives.. alone.. moviestars and corporates... soldiers and gangstaers.. cowboys and students... entwined in ways beoynd our comprehension and butterfly effecting each other and yet isolated from each other.. you can go through your entire life and never see a shootout or a bullet or a dead body.. or you can go you entire life and never have a week without one.. glitz and glamour... money and passion... honour and the call of duty.. right and wrong.. morals and lucidity.. gmats and suparis...

its a maze.. and at the end of it all.. the only reality is what you make of it.. that and death...

and he rode a pale horse... and his name was death... and hell came with him...*

*cf: Revelations: The Old Testament

my search for innuendos...

2006-01-23T09:21:00.000-05:00

I am a cynic... I am in fact as proposed earlier and idealistic cynic... now the problem with this is that I've jus stopped enjoying the little things in life, cause i'm always trying to read between the lives, to decipher, to question, to doubt, to jus basically get so involved in the 'what's she really after' that I miss the moment, consider this conversation I had with a close friend recently... 'so why is it that I get to take so many liberties with you'.. 'cause I love you and people I love get to do that'... 'hmmm... whats that mean when you say you love me'... 'oh grrr... how many ways can one interpret that anyway'... 'well it depends you know'... 'no it doesnt'... and so on... do you see what I mean.. cummmmon!
Oh well...
and the irony of it all is that I'm actually an emotional fool... oh its a tough life... so anyway my search for innuendoes continues unabashed and nothing is left.. song lyrics.. movies.. books.. newspaper articles... advertising... everything...

its tiring at times.. its like you jus cant let your guard down.. I'm not a trusting person by nature but this is getting ridiculous...

well a remedy shall be sourced for this.. and this too shall pass... any suggestions...

*put on my blue suede shoes and boarded a plane
touched down in the land of the delta blues in the middle of the pouring rain
saw the ghost of Elvis and followed him to to gates of graceland
there's a pretty little thing waiting for the king down in the jungle room
walking in memphis...

cf: 'Blue suede Shoes' by Carl Perkins

lets go exploring...

2006-01-01T23:59:00.000-05:00

the last calvin & hobbes... and appropriate for today.. happy new year folks...

the tyranny of evil men...

2005-12-28T16:00:00.000-05:00

it seems to me that happiness is overrated... and consequently the strife for being at one with the universe is too... the universe is full of wierdos and jack shit.. no one should strive to be one with it.. no one should strive to 'be happy', it just isnt the point... its a guise sold to us by the motion picture production houses... its a hallmark moment... one should aim for perfection and settle for yourself.. you should aim to be you... to be honest with yourself... to feel... to love.. to hurt.. to cry and to just not give a fuck... you... the real you.. never changing and never letting up... happiness is a whim.. its a fancy... it'll come and it'll go... to strive for something so obviously transcendental is jus pointless... you are real.. constant and at the end of it most important..

if it matters to you.. go for it.. if it doesn't dont... dont be fake.. dont put on.. dont be a peer.. there came two paths.. and i took the one less trodden.. hell fuck that.. make your own path..

in a country of 1,000,000,000 people.. one tall lanky fellow said.. 'jahan ham khade hoten hain.. line wahin se shuroo hoti hai'.. be a bhagwan amitabh.. go on...

*the path of the righteous man is beset on all sides, by the alacrity of the wicked and the tyranny of evil men...*

*cf: Ezekiel 24:17

koyla.. the rooftop elysium of mumbai

2005-12-16T08:15:00.000-05:00

hi... yes i know its been a while... but ive been busy... doing what you say.. working... ! ok and with lots of alcohol as well... so this is my long overdue post on koyla... the rooftop elysium of mumbai... now... quick background... there is this shady place called the gulf hotel in colaba, somewhere in the bylanes behind the Taj Mahal Palace & Tower, Mumbai (clap!! clap!!).. and this paradise ironically happens to be on its rooftop. It offers an excellent view of the south mubai harbour and a sense of idyllic comfort. Of course the fact that they serve sheesha and can make a decent head adds to the whole experience... but overall, its a place to take you away from the din of mumbai, soulfull and exciting as it might be it is tiring, and you need to recluse sometime.. so this is the place to do it... low seating, open air, cusions, fresh (or as much can be expected in mumbai) air, good kabas, decent service and soothing sheesha... blissful....

so the next time you're looking for a place to get in touch with yourself... or someone else... or jus mumbai from a secluded recluse.. this is the place to go to...

*and if you suddenly find yourself in fields of gold with the sun streaming down upon you, do not be afraid, rejoice instead, for you are in elysium... and already dead

*cf: Maximus Desimus Meredius, Commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions

mumbai & futures...

2005-11-25T11:47:00.001-05:00

I have discovered a new love, okok, I haven't yet paid up for the earlier one I'm about a third done on that.. but this is connected...

im in love with mumbai... its brilliant.. im never leaving... also... im in love with futures trading... its the best... equities and mutual funds are allright if ur forty and already earning a 100,000 a month, if you're twentyfour and earing a quarter of that futures trading it is... its approx 20 times the risk of equity ... which also means 20 times the return in terms of time value of your money. it rocks. if all this sounds complicated. Let me translate. Its legalised gambling in the hundreds of thousands and its bloody addictive. Specially in the kind of bull market we have.

word of caution though. it is 20 times the risk. thats real money.

also... I have officially been smoking the sheeshee for like four odd years now... i realised im addicted to it but thats another post.. about koyla, the rooftop elisium of mumbai.

I saw your face in a crowded place
and i dont know what to do
cause ill never be with you... *

*cf: You're Beautiful: James Blunt

happy birthday to me!

2005-10-27T08:29:00.000-04:00

hippy burrrday to meee...

true love...

2005-10-14T04:11:00.000-04:00

it's undeniable.. it was i agree unavoidable.. its true love... and she's gorgeous.. pretty face.. nice slim body... and she keeps me up all night...

in case you're wondering... I finally bought that plasma display panel, its not the sony 3ccd, but the new samsung dnie 42" and its beautiful... im hooked booked and off the market... there is nothing like a game of tekken 5 or ff x-2 on this baby... oooh...
droool... anyway... there is a downside.. i have no money. i am broke. and then some. i cant go out till february 2008. honestly.
but its worth it... so worth it...

I have a list... 10 things to... do before I die/rules of conduct...

1. Keep it real... love with all your heart and hurt with it too...
2. Watch the sunset from the Chiliean Andes...
3. Sail the Nile...
4. Go to Istanbul and experience the Hage Sofia...
5. Bunjee Jump in New Zealand
6. Try and spend every new years eve either in the arms of love or goa.. or both
(29th Dec 2005 to 2nd Jan 2006. Goa. Booked and all of that)
7. Never lose touch with anyone youve kissed... no matter how hard it is or how much it hurts...
8. Tour at least one wine-country-side...
9. Never hesitate to compliment...
10. Buy a 7.1 HTS (Plasma TV) (Buy a Bose) (Buy an Ipod)

I still have a long way to go...

cynical idealism...

2005-10-06T00:14:00.000-04:00

I'm a cynical idealist, as I've realised and someone just paraphrased for me... I can just see it, its going to be a rage.. and many decades down the line a plethora of neo-cynical idealists will read this and reminisce on the classical naivete of this post.

so I'm cynical.. about people.. about relationships.. about intentions.. I'm always telling people why it won't work out, and in the end it all fades and that transience is the true nature of existence, and all sorts of dim, brooding discouragements of the sort.. but I'm always hoping, someone's gonna turn around and say no!.. thats not true, look at this.. or that.. or them.. or me.. or whatever.. it's a hope against hope, but its hope, I am an idealist, may be too much of one for my own good, and my idealism is both the cause of and the hope of my current state... its a bit catch22*... if u think about it..

oh dont think about it, it'll fry your brain and you'll turn into an idealisticcynic... 'evil laugh'... you're thinking about it aren't you... hehe resistance is futile, you will be assimilated**...

*cf: Joseph Hellar
**cf: Star Trek: Generations

Mumbai Roads!

2005-09-26T00:23:00.000-04:00

all is not sundry...

aight so the rains are excellent and the city has an uniqe and unibiquitious din about it... but all is not sundry... mumbai doesn't have roads.. ok so maybe I'm being a bit harsh.. but maybe I'm not.. mumbai has potholes.. copiuos amounts of potholes in all shapes sizes and forms.. in fact mumbai's speciality is potholes.. aight aight I do relaise the 26/7 rains were abnormally disasterous.. but still..
ok so i go to pickup my car from this place called vaashinaka, jus a bit beyond vaashi station, its in navi mumbai and its very far! which means its 37km from my house. and it took me 2.5 hours to do that... and not because I am new to mumbai and don't know the roads like the back of my hand, and not because the traffic was atrocious.. it was.. but because there were no roads.. most of it was potholes but in some lucky places it was mud.. lots of mud.. so I was supposed to take this 'left turn' except that the turning was no more than a bit of mud sliding a bit to the left and leading to some potholes.. and I was supposed to figure that out.. and i got lost! twice!
hmmm.. ok letting go is good.. very good.. breathe...

mumbai the city thats alive.. thats got magic.. potholes and mud...

good morning mumbai!

Mumbai Rains!

2005-09-21T22:42:00.000-04:00

sheher ki dhup si bewakt hi dhalegee,
kyun humko yaad aae woh*

so i've been in mumbai now for about three days, and it has been raining since then... but not to say its 26/7 all over again... sometimes it slows down, drizzles... sometimes the wind picks it up and it sheets across like a fine spray, sometimes its blotchy and you want to jus get out of it.. but its been raining everyday.. I have a luvly place here, i.e its free and its on the 12th floor and very clean... my room faces eastand its got a large wall to wall window, luvly cityscape view... havent seen the sun yet, I'm beggining to wonder about that whole thing about rotation and revolution... no sun!! in three mornings!! okok not panickin..
there is a great thing about mumbai though, its alive.. its buzzing.. it has soul, and the rains play their part, they contribuites their verse... its makes everything come alive more so... the humdum.. the fruit markets and street hawkers, the traffis jams and the late night sojurns back home.. it all looks like a glazed din... wet and brimming...

mumbai rains...

also it seeps into everything.. it drips form everywhere.. its all pervasive.. you cant escape it even if you want to.. luckily most of the times i dont want to...

good night mumbai!
cf: Jaane - Ost Chameli

addictions and 3CCD LCD Projection Panels...

2005-09-10T07:04:00.001-04:00

so its finally done then, its proven and on record, im addicted to shopping for dvds... picture this, I was feeling lazy one afternoon, and I decided to drop in on Landmark, a book/dvd/music store in Chennai which has recently been aquired by the Simone Tata controlled Trent Enterprises, the compnay that also runs the Westside stores. (Tata goodwill advertising done.. I am proud) So I went to spend some time, lookin at some nice books, maybe pickup something for a casual read, and what did I walk away with twelve DVDs which cost me a damn bundle... but unabashedly I paid for them and smirked myself home... muttering so im addicted.. thats ok its my only vice... which brings me to the actual point.. when is it enough.. how do u decide whats worth spending money on, assuming u have it... cause I am currently in the thores of saving up for a LCD projection panel to augmnet my DVD addiction, I'm looking at close to 120 odd titles on me now... and ive been meeting strict ideological resistance with the thought of spending "200,000 odd bucks on a TV", I am of course shrugging away the deluge of criticism and am sticking with "why the hell not... I enjoy my movies and besides, who am I earning for anyway.. savings my ass.. this is no time to save, Ill save when I'm thirty and earning some serious money.. right now ill splurge and live from one creditcard bill scare to another".... which begets me back to... whats the deal with this "worth it" stuf... how can u possibly understand the finer attractiveness of a 3CCD Sony LCD Projection Panel unless u happen to be a boytoy loving tech crazy sort of person.. you cant, so big deal if the world is gettin you down.. go get it... that ipod, that pdp, that reall cool new nokia.. life is too short, and if you have it and can justify in your own head, why not??... you only live once and if u enjoy music or movies or jus happen to be a gadget guy.. this is as good a time as any to aquire and upgrade.. assimalate and salivate... get addicted if u can afford it... what say?

things left unsaid...

2005-08-22T10:03:00.000-04:00

nights in white satin... never reaching the end...
letters I've written... never meaning to send...*

are you the sort of person who misses places? I was thinking about it... I'm in the beforemath of shifting cities... from my current Chennai to the more vibrant, recently submerged financial capital on India, Mumbai... its work related and I'm kinda glad to be going, of nothing else then just for the sheer change in cultures and mindsets...
So.. now that i've sneaked that in... coming back to missing places.. will I miss Chennai? and the collective sigh of all my pores and molecues sighs... NO!... and I wonder about that.. It's not that I haven't had a blast here.. living on my own.. decent levels of comfort.. experiences uniquely chennaite and yet fun... "yet"... Its not like im not wary about moving.. I'm actually quite sad to be going... but I'm sure I dont miss places..
so then it comes to me.. I'll miss the comforts of the familiure.. I mean its so much easier to drive back sozzled out of your wits once you've got those damn speedbreakers and uniquey Indian Potholes/"Men were surely at work" spots figured out... but hang on.. I'll figure that out soon enough in Mumbai as well..
then??? people... what about the people.. the ones I'll spot at airports and on MSN everyonceinawhile... and those that I wont.. ever.. and It strikes me.. that life's so funny that way.. you go through so many priorities and people and places so fast and you never really realise till you sit back one day.... an hoping ur not a compete muppet lean on your laz-e-boy watchin sports on a plazma screen... that there are so many people.. so many frineds and so many ...not really got a chance to become frineds... and you havent a clue what theyre upto.. and you wanna.. that you have so many things left.. and u reach for your cellphone/blackberry and sms and call and mail and try to get some of it back.. and you cant.. ever.. ....its NOW.. do it now cause no amount of technology can replace now...
or you'll be left with what if's??.. and things left unsaid..

chal sochen kya... choti si hai zindagi...
kal mil jaaen to hogi khush nasibi...
meri chhat ko rakhlena... jaise koi nishani...**

*cf: Nights in White Satin - The Moody Blues
**cf: Pal - KK

worldviews and faces...

2005-08-07T14:33:00.000-04:00

so I got a phone call... and my world turned upside down... for a bit... so this isnt about that phone call.. I'm jus sayin.. its about my world.. now here's the question.. and there must always be one.. if perception is key.. and it is.. how different really is my world.. from the real one.. okok im not philosophising or going off here.. im jus wondering... everyone colours their world.. everyone has pre-concieved notions, prejudices... and we usually see what we want to and hear what we like... and filter all the other mumbo jumbo... which means everyones got thier unique filter and everyone has their own 'worldview'... as in actually... so i might be missing a whole bunch of experiences and people and places because im stuck with this filter of mine... also to add to the whole mess.. people are different with different people.. ...

There will be time, there will be time...
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet...*

and everyones got there masques.. and its all a bunch of powerplays and games.. and honestly and genuineness is a lost cause.. oneupmanship and a ruthless march towards the twin pillars of post modernist civilization.. sex and money... and so much gets lost.. and so many half compromises and so many justifications...

somtimes i wonder.. is it worth it... reallly...
who's to say...

anyway... its jus a thought... i got a phone call and my world turned upside down... jus for a bit...

*Cf: The Lovesong of J Alfred Prufrock, T S Eliot

imminent bliss II...

2005-07-15T14:02:00.000-04:00

in a constant strive to improve perection.. and to prove I was listenig during CRM class... I have decided to complete the loop... i.e post->feedback->new and improved post..

now sticking with the LND* principle I have decided to write jus about enough...

anahat's guide to imminenet bliss version 1.01b

ceterus paribus... the following points need to be carefully considered...

1. Sex is overrated and so are category (a) women.
2. A serious drawback is that u automatically categorize when u meet someone for the first/after a bit of time.. now that can be fun as an internal thing.. and a cheecky smile might make for a bit of harmless fun converstaion but invaribly its a bit vain... still thinkin of a work around.. i guess a saving grace is that u dont have to do it more n once for the same person...**
3.The whole thing's a bit hollow and superficial in some elements and requires a kind of unattached callousness which may or may not suit everybody... I guess its a call you have to take.. I for one am an Island.. and Cold... (trust me art...) so its priceless in its practical brilliance...
4. Results may vary form individual to individual, the genius does not take responsibility for any misconstrued and or misinterpretted disasters...

*Theory of "Least Noticable Difference"

**Ps: Objectification was never an intention.. it jus seems to me that one has to be a bit... unemotional... cold even to come up with a "practical" guide... which is what this and im assuming its more fine tuned succsessors are going to be. Thus to be able to catgorise one needs to be a bit aloof.. a bit objective and that mught be misinteroreted as objectification and such like.. but hazards of the course i guess... aight alph?? .. k...

imminent* bliss...

2005-07-13T14:35:00.000-04:00

Anahat' Plan to ultimate bliss:

There are four kinds of women I will meet

a) Women I'd love to sleep with
b) Women who are 'soulfood'
c) Women who are 'soulfood' and id love to sleep with
d) all others

a) If by chance she too is interested in the same we shall proceed to excellent sex, and blissfully stressless days - sex is the best stress reliever, closely followied by a game of Tekken V on the PS2, if not, she will be ignored

b) These women will be shamelesly flirted with - in a charming/intellectual snob kind of Anahat way. It will be found out what we have in common apart from sharing great converstaions (critical criteria for 'soulfood' women) And one will continue to feed his soul on such coffee/tea/wine/other spirts induced converstions on all matter of subjects. Movies shall be watched and theatre shall be enjoyed. bliss shall soon follow, IN CASE THEY turn serious/loveydovey/propose they shall be politely let down in the nicest way possible so as not to interrupt the soul feeding... if they insist they will be ignored... but the intelligence cutoff on most 'soulfood' women will probably ensure it doesnt come to that

c) these women will be treated exactly like category (b) and other feelings shall be maintained in secrecy unless and until THEY turn serious/lovey/propose - at which time I shall turn around and RUN FOR THE HILLS.

d) they will be ignored insofar as casual flirting cannot ensure my work if any, can be done fatser/more efficiently

The resultant life will be full of carnal pleasure and an enriched soul and UNCOMPLIFUCKINGCATED. As an aside and in case of conflict, enrichment of the soul shall be given preferance over carnal pleasure at all times.

bliss is imminent*...

*thanks to Art... I got that right!

I am an Island...

2005-07-04T15:30:00.000-04:00

gam ko apne saath bhi lele,
dard bhi tere kaam aaega...*

its about lessons... everything teaches you a lesson... everyone.. u jus have to know what.. the keen mind can pick.. and grow... the troubled mind criticises and languishes...

I am an island.. I am fucking Ibiza**

and I am inspired... now it might be foolish and naive to learn lessons from hugh grant flicks but then.. again it might not.. of course the sheer british soppiness of the flick cannot hide the brilliance of idea.. i am an island...

and I will fight it out till I can.. and then I will stop and hopefully be invaded by a kind soul... I will live life from one moment to the next... and I will entice and elicit.. and I will enjoy..

then I will falter and I will succumb.. then I will wallow in self pity till it annoys me or I annoy everyody around me and out of sheer pride I will let it slide.. bygones...

I have made a list... 10 things to... do before I die/rules of conduct...

1. Keep it real... love with all your heart and hurt with it too...
2. Watch the sunset from the Chiliean Andes...
3. Sail the Nile...
4. Go to Istanbul and experience the Hage Sofia...
5. Bunjee Jump in New Zealand
6. Try and spend every new years eve either in the arms of love or goa.. or both
7. Never lose touch with anyone youve kissed... no matter how hard it is or how much it hurts...
8. Tour at least one wine-country-side...
9. Never hesitate to compliment...
10. Buy a Plasma TV (Buy a Bose) (Buy an Ipod)

I have a long way to go...

So many things to do..
so many tears to weep..
no let up, no reprive..
no rest, no sleep..
into the trepid elecreties of agony and ecstancy...
into the contradictions of the ficklesness of mortality...
into another dream...
into another sunrise...
-Anahat

*cf: Allah Ke Bande - Kailsh Kher: Waisa Bhi Hota Hai Part II
**cf: HUgh Grant to anybody listening - About a Boy: Paramount Pictures

hangovers and promotions

2005-06-26T11:20:00.000-04:00

today i woke up with a hangover.. basically it tasted like the culmination of a tadpole eating contest... also it felt dehydrated... i hope atleast thats a hangover ;-) i dont get headaches.. so thats that... then i had some aqua and went back to sleep... I got promoted yesterday... and get paid more money to continue doing what Im doing and get to change my designation.. I was an erstwhwile Relationship Executive and am now an Assistant Relationship Manager. There is possibly some point to this.. it doesnt strike me instantly... the two incidents are obviously cause and affect and thus mentioned together...

also i realised the everybody in the world likes antoine de st exupery and richard bach... but thats another story alltogether... the story is about how sometimes life catches you unaware and throws a exquisite converstaion at you... a harmless exchage of dreams and passions, and by the time it hits you that its the next morning, its too late... and then you pray to god that it doesnt cause any complications..

how is it that one can be so afraid of happiness...? or atleast events would have you believe apparent happiness/pleasentness at the next curve... how is it that you go from carefree to careful. Perpetually analysing.. thinking.. pondering.. complicating!!

and heres another one? does pain really make it real? or is that an excuse? a compulsive reflex statement... 'its aight yeah.. the pain makes it real' ;-)

well apparently listening to satriani and coldplay after watching alexander.... doesnt help... nethier does trying to explain to someone what a blog is jus cause you asked them how to spell neccesity..

there is more to reality than one can envisage even in their dreams...*

*Senor Don Chirstophor Columbas - Discoverer of the New World

perfection...

2005-06-20T15:23:00.000-04:00

nothing is so good it lasts eternally,
perfect situations must go wrong,
but that has never yet prevented me,
wanting far too much for far too long...*

the song goes on about looking back, and playing it differently, learning about the person before you fall, some spatterings of how its madness and ends with...

if i knew form the start how it would end,
why am I falling apart??...*

anyway.. thought i'd mention how its brilliant and such.. but I dont wanna hear about how I'm bound to feel this way right now and how perfection is not an achievable paradigm and its a constant aim to strive for etc... so im not going to...

relationships jus arent what they used to be.. two folks used to fall in love, compromise and stick it out, or they would compromise, then fall in love and then stick it out, depending on which spectrum of the marrige scenario you pegged onto.. now its not the same..

now you have individuality, and independace; financial, social and emotional, and in such a context as it was pointed out to me... co existance is a nightmare, and you have to pick one and then youre in trouble... either way...

well what do you do if ur the sort of commitment phobic limelight huggin meglomaniac who gets hurt everytime and never learns and then puts up his hands and says, alllrighteeethen, no more of the vulnerability shit, form now on its straight on meaningful sex with meaningless women who tingle some fantasy or the other...?

well luckily thats not too difficult a question to answer... i guess you carry on till it stays in your fancy and then try somethign else to fill the void, the constant need to feel important to someone else, the need to be loved and beleive that you inspire such ideals...

and i guess you carry on..

...she said its all gonna end so it might as well be my fault**

bitterness, maybe? I'm not sure, anyone wanna hazard a judgement call on this?

*cf: I know him so well, Sarah Brightman & Elaine Paige - Chess
**cf: 3 AM - Matchbox 20

grown ups and numbers...

2005-06-06T15:10:00.000-04:00

So finally i've added a hit counter to my blog, see see there it is on the right... someday it'll be a number to reckon with... so while I was finding the right place to paste the code I got from the free site.. it struck me that I don't really care how many people actually view the blog.. I mean its not a poppularity contest.... but nevertheless I put it up... I'm tellin myself its for referance.. and I'm reminded about the genius of the Little Prince*... grown ups and their facination with numbers.. Hi.. so how old are you? whats you phone number? So how much do you make? :-) maybe I too have grown up, got too caught up with CTC's and InHands and tax slabs and interest rates and hit counters... and maybe not... I just dont know... I jus hope it not too late... and maybe I still have the will to ask questions like? Hows your house? Is it a nice house... do you enjoy staying there and not jus whats your address?? ;-)

*cf: The Little Prince - Antoine de St. Exupery

enable the present...

2005-05-24T15:47:00.000-04:00

to think.. to know.. to realise.. that enabling the future is as pointless as trying to predict it.. 'control is an illusion, you infantile ego-maniac'*, and thus.. realise that the wheel will weave as the wheel whishes, and your task if any is to make as much of that weave as you can.. enable the present.. live now.. live fully.. suck the marrow from the very depths of your soul.. cry out and try out... carpe diem, beofre it seizes you.. also... go if u need any help watch Dead Poets Society... it will change you...

*cf: Nicloe Kidman to Tom Cruise in Driven

never ever drift...

2005-05-17T16:14:00.000-04:00

you had not the courage to be loyal... only the convictions of your own vanity...* well is it truly pointless to try and be loyal? is it such a bore? does one really need to have courage for it? is it such a prized and scare victorian concept... well events unfolding would make me believe so... and yet.. it seems quite simple to me for some reason.. I know that I am probably burdened with archaic conceptualizations of propriety and honour.. but on the other hand the feelings they evoke... courage.. fortitude... these archaic concepts of mine.. to be aspired to I think.. not shied away from and not ever crushed under the guise of vanity.. oh what more vanity and self belief than to be courageous against the face of a barrage.. to stand straight with your held up high against the wind.. to scream to shout.. to live.. life.. in the moment and on your own terms.. to never be drifted by petty temptations.. loyalty.. to ones beliefs to ones stand...

like I admitted to shivani the other day.. "when in doubt do nothing" is probably the worst stance to take..

"sometimes you must sail, against the wind
and sometimes you must sail with it,
but the point is to always sail.. never stand still...
and never ever drift..."
-anahat

*cf: The Duke of Walsinghm to the Duke of Norfolk - Elizabeth

love me two times...

2005-05-17T15:59:00.000-04:00

love me two times baby.. love me twice today.. love me two times girl.. one for tomorrow and one just for today* ... well now whats going on.. love me today for tomorrow? does that work? really.. can anyhting which is, still be? dont all things change, isnt transcience the true nature of existance.. and if so then why try and hold on.. why have 'sweet memories'.. pointless I say.. embrace chnage.. embrace the trepid fickleness of situations and people.. know that this is as it is now.. and tomorrow is another day. dont ask for a love for tommorrow.. you might not want it.. live the present and make the most of it cause at the end of the day like the graffitti reads.. no one gets out of life alive...

*cf: James Douglas Morrison

Words with C (In the Begining)

2005-04-26T23:34:00.000-04:00

Hmmm.. lets see, I had to pick up my cellphone to check the spelling of begining, for the title... thats how dependant and insecure technology and public appraisal can make u I guess... on a more perosnal note I think a blog should start with what you believe in, me I believe in myself, and my country (except when it comes to cricket and hmmm.. politics) there we're hopelessly unpredictable.. but anyway back to belief.. which by the way doesnt need justification.. the best kinda faith is blind faith.. backed by absoluteley no logic or fact.. jus a smile and a shrug.. jus the way it is buddy.. okok... I also believe in contradictions, as I was tellin a friend the other day.. its some of the best things in life.. contradictions.. agony and ecstancy.. the esscene of love, friendship, achievement, life itself.. pre bundled with death.. mortality, the best contradiction of all.. belief.. I also believe strongly in conviction and consequences... yeah C words are it.. ok jus changed the title to the present one... so coming back to conviction and its consequences... thats me.. have the courage to face the consequences of your convictions.. and if u can manage that.. u'll never have to lower your head to anybody or any situation.. bring it on...! Guess I also believe in Pride... hmmm yeah guess I do.. Vanity would just HAVE to be my favourite sin..

more ramblings later I guess...