within...

i am a rock... i am an island...
and rocks feel no pain...and an island never cries...*

the truth of it all is there is one.. a truth...

an objective reality... a singularity... and it exists paradoxically and simultaneously and effortlessly in the last place you'd expect the perfect manifestation of it..

and therefore, to be truly free is also possible...

yes, we do live in a complex web of social order and acceptability... so to be truly free you must truly be alone.. where your actions have no reactions.. where there is no causality.. no hint of judgement... and that's only in one place...

your own mind..

there is only one person inside your head... know this.. your masques are not for you.. you know they're masques... that's the very nature of them.. they're for them.. all of them.. you know who you are.. in corners and dark lonely walks home you know what you want and how.. in wisps of fantasy you'll never articulate.. you know.. in deeds of freedom you try and express this... fleetingly...

yet there are also infinite possibilites to that existance... and that is the absolute marvel of it all...

within... where you are emperor and sinner.. where time and space collapses into a little pile of immaterialism.. where you are yourself and not...

within... where you can go a hundred places and through time.. where you can smell the fresh air of cities never visited and live lives never lived in times gone by and times yet to come and be heroes in epics never written... where all that separates babylon and bombay is a thought... where sounds are as real as real can be... where music is omnipresent... where anything is possible.. if god does truly exist she exists as your own consciousness... nothing more nothing less.

within... where there are no constraints or obstacles except those that you create.. where the most buried of emotions..and deeds can come to you anytime and consume you... where you can laugh and cry and care and not.. without reason or justification.. where justification is a myth and reason a slave of you..

within... they travel the most that travel inwards.. outward pleasure and pain and success and all these meaningless yardsticks are just that.. meaningless... fleeting glimpses of that which you already have within...

within... where you can be all people, just yourslef and your own personal deity... where there is nothing but you...

na deen hai na duniya na insaan na bhagvan sirf main.. sirf main...**

yet we go through our entire lives fighting this very concept.. we quote quantum theory and the idea that there is no individuality... that all else is only as it is because of everything else.. that enactment in its very nature makes you part of the whole.. we abhor individual genius and we tag miserable tags... we hail individual achievment yes.. but only within the context of a larger set... we despise those who are at peace with themselves and have abandoned the ego... those that have realised that the key is not to scale the highest mountain but build your own...

we seek chaos to define us.. we reach out for this sense of the butterfly effect and believe in this intermingling infinite web of connecting ether... we yearn to enact our part in this play... but we don't need to..

we go through our lives fighting this very instinct.. we use people.. situations and feelings and relationships, we grasp tightly onto associations and seek to be defined by being part of something larger, not one.. but two.. or three or seven billion... we try... to shield ourselves from this eventuality... this objective reality... this truth... and we fail miserably...

and we don't spend enough time on that which can save us.. in any situation.. instantly...

where all things must end.. where life begins and maybe... just maybe ends.. maybe...

within...

*cf: I Am A Rock, Simon & Garfunkel
**cf: Raju Swami in Vijay Anand's Guide

be life...

thag lenge, naina thag lenge...
jagte jadoo phookenge... neenden banjar kardenge...*

its been ages since i've blogged... really said anything left unsaid...

naina ko to dasne ka chaska laga re...
naina banwaran kardenge...*

theres a reason... its that i need severe emotional trauma to spew out my stream of consciousness dribble crutch aginst the reality of the pain which is... and i havent had any... since my life has been balanced by the last wanderer.. who i assume has stopped wandering.. ? no clue...

naino ki zuban par bharosa nahi aata... likhad pardat na raceed na khata
bin badal barsaen sawan... sawan bin barsatan...*

so i have come up with a new reason to write.. i wrote for myself.. i can only write for myself... but now ill write.. to myself.. oh the vainty.. the simple plain feel of the perfect pinot noir on your tongue... the smell of the night after the rains in the pine and cannibus laden hills of himachal... the first ray of fresh sunshine on a dreary cloudy day...

i watch from behind these cold hazel eyes.. an air of superiority.. undefined.. like a wisp of smoke.. in the air.. solid until you touch it.. it runs through your fingers like a dreamy snake, like water... it flows... away... i see scenes in front of me... i hear voices.. some old and long forgotten screaming to be heard again.. some new.. unfamiliar but with promises of the alluring freshness of a ripe peach... they speak to me.. all of them.. through the wonders of technology they pervade my space... they force themselves into my nonchalant existance.. claiming rights understood but never explicitly given...

words from songs.. that tug at the familiar.. the sense of who i am and where i come from.. swades...

philmon ke gaano main... koi to chal zid phadiye.. **

and the feeling is one of euphoria.. of an extasy.. not felt.. only experienced.. known.. wanting to be known...

the dhol... pounding in your brain.. talking of all before them who have played out this song.. far from home..

what do you hope to gain.. what speicfically do you want.. does it all come down to vain success or is there more to it.. look at her.. content in her hilly dream.. him.. with his dreams a reality.. all his dreams except the lonliness of being alone..

see them... and what do you think.. better.. worse.. doesnt matter.. not comparable.. different people different paths to nirvan.. each to his own.. bullshit...

pathar ke in ratson pe, phoolon ki ek chadaar hai...
jab se milen ho humko, badla hai har ek manzar hai...
kya mujhe pyar hai, asia khumar hai...***

is life a comparison.. who where how much... or is it more simple than that.. is it about feeling...

is life not but a series of experiences.. pain and joy.. thats it.. in its many guises in its many aliases.. in its many degrees and directions.. in its many forms and conduits.. pain and joy..
if so why be afraid of them.. they are enduring.. beyond all others.. beyond everything..

na deen hai na duniya na insaan na bhagvan.. sirf main.. sirf main..****

agony and ecstacy... the polar opposites on which this mortal existance of ours revolves.. spins.. uncontrollably..

do we accept this absolute calvanian view of inevtability.. isnt there somethign sacred..? something personal.. something.. mouldable by the self.. a reflection of who we are.. ours.. a legacy.. some thing to say that yes.. i am.. and i did.. and somewhere someone is affected..

or does it go deeper than that even... baser than even base.. underneath it alll... why the pain.. or the joy.. if its just a shuffling of the deck.. then.. why worry.. just be.. live..

drain.. and expereince.. and drain every experience.. take it in.. let it out.. be it.. be them all.. all the forms.. and shapes and conduits.. let them all come to you.. and from you.. and become you...

life...

the magical undefiend force that is beyond even experience.. even base.. life.. eternal and giving..

be life...

today.. and forever.. pledge to just be.. be... and all else will come and go and change.. you just be..

be....

*Niana, Ost - Omkara
**Chak De, Ost - Chak De
***Kya Mujhe Pyaar Hai, Ost - Woh Lamhe
****Guide, Vijay Anand