some things just are... II

oh! life is bigger its bigger than you, and you are not me
the lengths that i would go to, the distance in your eyes

oh no! i've said too much, I haven´t said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing,
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try*

u know how sometimes u should just keep your trap shut.. about how its a harmless little joke inside your head until you see the look on the persons face who just heard it and its like the unsatiable arrow that you cant take back... hmmm yeah... that one.. well events of last night have affirmed my belief in tact.. in discretion and in keepin your bloody trap shut...

any way it comes to point that people.. read me... sometimes jus forget that when its said about you its not that funny.. its not easy to just let it go and realise ppl just like talking.. it hurts.. and the more of an emotion driven fool u are.. the more it hurts.. the more you think about it and the more you veer onto cynical.. jus when you thought you were out.. the slightest comment can just pull you back into the dismal deluge of deary depression...

it can ruin your night and make you become all careful and suspicious.. who.. why.. why.. why..

anyway..... in other news... ive been in delhi three moths now.. and im liking it.. honestly.. yes i do miss bombay and a few ppl.. i miss some of the places you could get a drink without being anybody or somebody.. i miss not being judged at every step.. but the vanity kicks in and i dont mind eventually...

but its good to be home.. among the familiar.. among the new.. and yet familiar... among the similar.. something about the intoxicating combination of the familiar and the similar thats overpowering..

eventually we all need to grow and spread our wings and be who we can and do what we want and not just what we must and explore this world and these times.. but eventually we all come back to the familiar.. to familia..

And you can swallow, Or you can spit, You can throw it up, Or choke on it
And you can dream, So dream out loud* *

sometimes it is quite the struggle.. loneliness.. peers.. pretend parties and frivolous flirting.. serious work and non serious working.. playing the part and having others play for you... and sometimes its just all so easy.. so natural.. so who i am and where i want to be.. existence is such a tight rope walk sometimes.. no rest no let up no reprieve.. keep walking...

And if the clouds bursts, thunder in your ear
You shout and no one seems to hear
And if the band you're in starts playing different tunes
I'll see you on the Dark Side Of The Moon***

change.. always change.. something someone somewhere somehow... always evolving.. living.. taking in.. processing.. learning.. keenly.. growing.. changing..

we live our lives one moment to the next unsure of what we want and who we are and what we need.. we're twentyfivesixseven and we think we know so much.. we dont even know ourselves.. not always not really... love.. life.. live.

let it be.. let it go.. its not so important. to know.. always know.. somethings just are..

left best unknown
unsaid...

*cf: Losing My Religion, REM
**cf: Acrobat, U2
***cf: Brain Damage, Pink Floyd

where you most hope for it...

dont fight it... jus give in... ive realised over the years and in the past few days... there are three things you cant fight.. gravity... those who love you/those you love and random urges... its pointless i tell u... go ahead jus lie down.. jus listen.. and jus indulge...

or you'll wake up one day with a broken back and pain in places u cant imagine have horrible thoughts and wish you hadnt been such a coward or such a prick all those times.. and then youll realise youre just looking for sympathy and youll find it in the one place you least expect it and most hope for.. and itll jus make your week.. and then youll realise youre leaving and its jus such a complicated little tumble jumble of emotions and what ifs and timing and place and diametric singularities that youll jus wanna lie down hug the pillow an smile and cry all at the same time...

start spreading the news.. im leaving in a week.. its going to be all sorts of new possibilities and problematic come face to face with the pasts all over again.... im looking forward to some of it more that others of course... but thank god its friday.. or wait is that tuesdays at friday...

a doctor an artiste a corporate whip a lawyer a mountain recluse a journalist and another one a couple of investment bankers a couple of hard working heirs a couple of not so hard working heirs... some old friends some new ones and a whole lot of acquaintances... try as u might u can never have things back the way they were.. meant to be?... whose to say... but u always try to recreate hope try and try again.. and then one day youll wake up with a broken dream and a more dazzling reality and youll realise maybe calvin did know a little bit of what he was on about.. not a lot but maybe just a bit and things do get better after they seem worse... and youll find bliss where you least expect it and where you most hope for it..

come home...