Possibilities

thoda sa to sabr karon yaaron
chaal to hum ko chalne do...
haar aur jeet to hoti hai
khel to yaaron khelne do...*

inspiration can take many forms... it can come from the slightest brush of nostalgia... from the slightest hint of a smile long forgotten...

i haven't written in some time now... a long hiatus.. and a post long overdue... but it needed that right nudge... which I got today... at being able to find an old song from a very old hindi movie... ek subah ek mod par...

you go through life.. taking things as they come.. shaping your destiny with will and vanity.. forging through experiences, hitherto unknown.. like an out stretched hand that grasps.. sometimes air, sometimes the fruit of some long forgotten labour...

i am again about to turn my world upside down... always restless.. in pursuit of that hazy shape far off in the horizon.. of what can be.. possibilities...

i embark again on a journey, seeped with lonliness and disconnect.. leaving behind the comforts i fought and kicked and whined to get back to... home... delhi.. familar pills of lethargy...

i risk much.. a love found.. a love maybe not fully nurtured... but a love trusted... with faith and a sense of something larger, more meaningful, more wholesome and continuous...

i despise standing still.. and yet i yearn for stillness so much more.. it is the dichotomy that is me... a polar illusion which may destroy me.. and one that certainly defines me...

singapore... ithaca... unknown places holding the promise of ambition and possibility and pain...

new people.. places.. possibilities... in a jingle jangle morning i follow a new dream...

a leap of blind faith, that somehow it would yield what i want.. yet, i know not what i really want.. and i know what i do.. and this isn't it either...

jab kabhi mud ke dekhta hun main
tum bhi kuch ajnabee si lagti ho...
main bhi kuch ajnabee sa lagta hun...**

will i recognise what i want in time.. will i recognise me, the next time i look back at myself...

no regrets...

ek subah ek mod par...
maine kaha use rok kar
hath bada ai zindagi
aankh mila ke baat kar...***

so much is fluid.. so much is wagered.. my essence my future.. me

roz tere jeene ke liye ek subah mujhe mil jaati hai...***

a new world full of possibilities

tere hazaron chehron main ek chehra hi mujhse milta hai
tu shaam meri main tera seher...***

but i know what im coming back to this time.. and thats a certainty that is beyond blind faith, its built on a knowledge as deep as the love which makes it possible..

a love that makes it all possible...

a strength that comes to face the unknown, from within that certainty...

maidan hai saari zindagi
aur khel hai saari umro ka...
kuch aur bhi acha lagta hai
phal milta hai jab sabr ka
thoda sa sabr karo yaaron...*

thanks my hobbit...

*cf: Hip Hip Hurray Ho, Ost - Hip Hip Hurray, 1984
**cf: Jab Kabhi Mudk Dekhtan Hun Main, Ost - Hip Hip Hurray, 1984
***cf: Ek Subah Ek Mod Par, Ost - Hip Hip Hurray, 1984

where you most hope for it...

dont fight it... jus give in... ive realised over the years and in the past few days... there are three things you cant fight.. gravity... those who love you/those you love and random urges... its pointless i tell u... go ahead jus lie down.. jus listen.. and jus indulge...

or you'll wake up one day with a broken back and pain in places u cant imagine have horrible thoughts and wish you hadnt been such a coward or such a prick all those times.. and then youll realise youre just looking for sympathy and youll find it in the one place you least expect it and most hope for.. and itll jus make your week.. and then youll realise youre leaving and its jus such a complicated little tumble jumble of emotions and what ifs and timing and place and diametric singularities that youll jus wanna lie down hug the pillow an smile and cry all at the same time...

start spreading the news.. im leaving in a week.. its going to be all sorts of new possibilities and problematic come face to face with the pasts all over again.... im looking forward to some of it more that others of course... but thank god its friday.. or wait is that tuesdays at friday...

a doctor an artiste a corporate whip a lawyer a mountain recluse a journalist and another one a couple of investment bankers a couple of hard working heirs a couple of not so hard working heirs... some old friends some new ones and a whole lot of acquaintances... try as u might u can never have things back the way they were.. meant to be?... whose to say... but u always try to recreate hope try and try again.. and then one day youll wake up with a broken dream and a more dazzling reality and youll realise maybe calvin did know a little bit of what he was on about.. not a lot but maybe just a bit and things do get better after they seem worse... and youll find bliss where you least expect it and where you most hope for it..

come home...