and im living this life..

kya batoon maa kahan hun main
yahan urden ko mere khula aasman hai

yahan sapno waala meri patang
ho befiakr udd rahi hai maa
dor koi lutne nahi
beech se kaate na*

its all about expectation.. and the reality of it all.. aight lemme be comprehesible here.. its a saturday afternoon.. and im home.. im listenin to some music tyrin to make plans for miami vice or united 93... and im living this life.. and thinking about something someone said.. something not so nice.. something adorable.. im planning my monday in my head.. im re-reading some sms's and smiling... im thinking i should blog.. im living this life... but what i really wanna do is slow right down and jus take a break form it all.. its largely laziness and a bit of disdain and disparity at the whole working thing.. im bored.. im tired and ive jus gotten promoted.. so i have a whole new assignment and things to do and people to meet and days to live... and i shouldnt be feeling any of this.. not in a fair sort of way.. this is what i wanted and now ive gotten it.. but im still bored.. and im wondering if i should be home... i was planning to make it for next weekend.. but not to be.. so you see whats happening here right.. my forced life.. this work thing.. is making me compromise for what i really want... to jus be home for a weekend.. be with mum for her birthday.. and catch up with this girl.. thats what i want.. and this is what im doing.. and its voluntary.. its confusing.. i should pack up and go home instead of incessantly whining about it on blogs.. but im not.. this is the life im living and im so used to it and so in the routine and so about some sense of whats the proper thing to be doing.. considering this new assignment which i apparently wanted and never really did except aspirationally and now ive gotten so im gonna have to jus stay in mumbai... for atleast another year or so.. and live this life... that im living.. and ive chosen and i dont want.. not really.. sigh..

to be seveteen and not have the freedom to make your own choices.. to be able to blame it all on others or circumstances.. dont even have that luxury any more..

i want to go to goa.. i want a caprioshka and a hot sun..

*cf: Lukha Chupi, Rang de Basanti, UTV 2006

settle for yourself...

naino ki mat suniyo re...
naino ki jaban par bharosa nahi aata...
na likhat padat na raseed na khata...
saari baat hawai...
naina banwra kardenge... naina thag lenege...*

So you meet up with someone... and theres this little connect.. and eventually you get past the pleasantries of casual flirting and familiarising.. my favourtie part is the four degrees of connections.. you find out how you know them.. now if ur from delhi.. thats not difficult cause everybody knows everybody.. literally... but even so.. it always surprises me about the 'wow whata small world' line and how true it can be.. anyway.. so ur past the nice shoes and oh so u went to skool here.. do u know.. or really u work here.. do u... and now its time for some soulful flirting.. the connection... so eventually u get to one of the whaddya like best/notice first about her sortov provocation.. all a disguised and desperate attempt at picking up some meaningless praise.. so if ur smart ud answer with something that works.. oh its sense of humour.. and btw.. your really witty or some mickeymouseobviousattempt at gratuity of the sort.. or the.. eyes.. i notice her eyes... yeah fucking hell right.. we know exactly what you're looking at u pedomasochisticmoron... *SIGH* anyway...

why am i venting... ? oh i went out last night and i got hit on.. though its nice and enjoyable.. i jus find the whole thing so annoyingly pretentious its annoying.. also i was being ignored by someone else.. anyway...

the point i suppose.. and there must be one... is jus that there is so much masquerading on in the world.. people.. and their masques.. trying so hard to fit in or be someone they're not and so much peer/fashion/tv influence that most of humanity is like a unambiguous horde.. youve flirted with one cute chick with a decent hourglass straight hair slightly streaked in mango or ferrgamo and youve flirted with them all.. i was so hoping.. jus for the minute... jus for a real smile.. a decent exchange of something real last night.. but it jus didnt happen... pity.. she was sweet.. maybe even a luvly girl.. jus didnt have it in her to be her.. how sad is that... im being judgemental..? really.. harsh... well maybe.. but i still think its pretty true in general...

aim for perfection and settle for yourself...

be gold...**

*cf: Naina, Ost - Omkara
**cf: Benson and Hedges Lights print campaign, Ogilvy & Mather