bittersweet...

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Try to make ends meet
Your a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places where all the things meet yeah
No change,I can't change I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mould, I am here in my mould
But I'm a million different people from one day to the next
I can't change my mould
Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind,I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now*

greatest song in the world.. my song..

*cf: Bittersweet Symphony, The Verve

give up forever...

*and id give up forever to touch you and just know that you feel me somehow...
you're that closest to heaven that ill ever be and i dont want to go home right now

there is this ad... of the new liril.. and its gorgeous... makes me wanna fall in love all over again.. makes me wanna tease.. and play.. and chase and fall down, and jus lie next to her.. knowing that shes next to me... and that its love... god i feel so alone sometimes and it scares the shit outta me even more that ill never feel that again.. not truly.. not with all my heart.. cause how do you stop being a cynic.. how do you drop that addiction. that habit.. and trust...and let yourself.. even for a second.. jus allow yourself to be vulnerable again...and jus... jus let go.. and fall..

sigh....


*cf: Iris, Goo Goo Dolls - OST City of Angels

I am soulless

of mans first disobedience.. and the fruit of that forbidden tree*

list of things I haven't done in about a year

1. Volunteered to watch a half ass decent play unless cajoled into it.
2. Frolicked in or experienced in any exhilarating form, the rain
3. Frolicked in or experienced in any exhilarating form, the wind
4. Played Scrabble
5. Bought myself a McDonald's Happymeal Toy
6. Read a decent book completely
7. Had black coffee

oh the list is endless... I have no soul left.. all the things that mattered seem not to. Its not evolution thats always for the better, survival of the fittest and all that, this is degradation, this is disillusionment, this is the pits

I'm not sure how it started.. but i have a decent idea... anyway bygones.. the point is that i'm not going to let it continue...

so i have an action plan.

1. Read some books
2. Make work a 9-6 financier - not a be all and end all
3. Spend as much time with eka as possible i.e. wine i.e. sheesha i.e. smiles
4. Start living rather than just existing
5. And do it with everything I have
6. blog more...
7. I am going to be open to plausibles...
8. Meditation...
9. whenever I waver I shall watch Dead Poets Society or Guide and feel rejuvenated

I am soulless... but I'm working on it... I have a plan in place...
progress reports and more blabbering should follow...


In Xanadu did Kublai Khan a stately pleasure dome decree... **

*cf: Paradise Lost, John Milton, Book 1 Para 1 Line 1
**cf: Kublai Khan, Samuel Taylor Coleridge