a season of faith's imperfection*

I dig my toes into the sand
The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds
Strewn across a blue blanket
I lean against the wind
Pretend that I am weightless
And in this moment I am happy...
I wish you were here**

what do you do?.... findamentally do... when you know that person you love.. loves someone else... how do you tackle it.. what words of consolation do you offer your heart as you drift away into thought and imagine that one night... the night of many lifetimes... pure passsion... pure and real in a way that feels like playing with wet clay.. base and beautiful...

sometimes you get a phonecall and your life turns upsidedown.. sometimes you go for a sheesha and drinks and existance decides to blink.. atlas shrugs... chaos reigns...

to feel that you want something that you cant have is a crazy thrill in its own way... forbidden...

but she said no guilt... strange that...

you're my weakness she said... what is a weakness... its harmful.. it gets you into trouble.. makes u do things you dont want.. its not love.. its not even real.. its selfish.. so selfish and prude... weakness...

the absolute irony of it all is that i cant imgaine what i like about her so much... except for the intellect.. and the kindness in her eyes.. and... oh dear.. the absolute irony is that i do like her so much...

always forward... never look back.. no regrets.. meet life head on.. carpe bloody diem.. all shatters with one smile... one little tilt of the head and the kindness in those mischeveous eyes...

embrace it.. live it.. love it.. be pure to it.. and life will show you experiences like you cant believe... from broken hearts to the pure ecstacy of that touch... tender...

pouring always pouring.. giving.. letting out.. closure.. letting go.. tumbling free wheeling gonna be more gonna do more.. always more..

love will find a way.. love actually is... believe it... you have to.. no choice but to...

may even find a way... its possible..

nothings impossible.. peter pan..

leave it to faith... faith.. a season of possibilities.. of nature and youth and laughter.. her laughing eyes.. a season of faith... of faiths imperfection and a broken heart...

*cf: Finding Forrester, Columbia Pictures, 2000
**cf: I Wish You Were Here, Incubus

now... all set...

phonecalls can be intimidating... you get them.. all the time.. the ones you dont want to take.. the ones you wish you hadn't taken.. the ones you wish you hadn't missed.. caller-id from hell... you know how you can get a phonecall and it turns your world upside down...

all these memories come tumbling out.. all the pain.. all the expectations.. all the mistakes.. all the hope.. so whaddya do.. u sit it out.. and smoke some sheesh.. have a cold glass of water.. send some sms'.. distract yourself.. and maybe if you're lucky it buries itself away until she calls again.. or maybe thats just the way its supposed to be.. you live your life from one rush of feeling to another.. pain.. pleasure.. same old same old.. and you enjoy it.. take it all in and take a deep breath.. and smile..

ohhh.. in some other news.. ive moved into my new apartment in delhi.. its in nizz east and it a whole lot of life coming full circle.. kit kat's chicken burgers.. om's butter chicken.. aap ki khaatir's kaakori.. familiar roads.. familiar turns.. sights and sounds.. so its a cozy little place.. the pdp is wall mounted.. the dish works.. and i have broadband again.. all set.. oh and thanks to prince paan i have a new sheesh.. now.. all set..

so phonecalls and coming home and new apartments in familiar settings and losing bombay and coming back to friends who seem so real but you cant tell cause you havent been around to new friends who dont know how messed up you are in the head and havent adjusted to dealing with you all over again.. moving towns can be trying...