be life...

thag lenge, naina thag lenge...
jagte jadoo phookenge... neenden banjar kardenge...*

its been ages since i've blogged... really said anything left unsaid...

naina ko to dasne ka chaska laga re...
naina banwaran kardenge...*

theres a reason... its that i need severe emotional trauma to spew out my stream of consciousness dribble crutch aginst the reality of the pain which is... and i havent had any... since my life has been balanced by the last wanderer.. who i assume has stopped wandering.. ? no clue...

naino ki zuban par bharosa nahi aata... likhad pardat na raceed na khata
bin badal barsaen sawan... sawan bin barsatan...*

so i have come up with a new reason to write.. i wrote for myself.. i can only write for myself... but now ill write.. to myself.. oh the vainty.. the simple plain feel of the perfect pinot noir on your tongue... the smell of the night after the rains in the pine and cannibus laden hills of himachal... the first ray of fresh sunshine on a dreary cloudy day...

i watch from behind these cold hazel eyes.. an air of superiority.. undefined.. like a wisp of smoke.. in the air.. solid until you touch it.. it runs through your fingers like a dreamy snake, like water... it flows... away... i see scenes in front of me... i hear voices.. some old and long forgotten screaming to be heard again.. some new.. unfamiliar but with promises of the alluring freshness of a ripe peach... they speak to me.. all of them.. through the wonders of technology they pervade my space... they force themselves into my nonchalant existance.. claiming rights understood but never explicitly given...

words from songs.. that tug at the familiar.. the sense of who i am and where i come from.. swades...

philmon ke gaano main... koi to chal zid phadiye.. **

and the feeling is one of euphoria.. of an extasy.. not felt.. only experienced.. known.. wanting to be known...

the dhol... pounding in your brain.. talking of all before them who have played out this song.. far from home..

what do you hope to gain.. what speicfically do you want.. does it all come down to vain success or is there more to it.. look at her.. content in her hilly dream.. him.. with his dreams a reality.. all his dreams except the lonliness of being alone..

see them... and what do you think.. better.. worse.. doesnt matter.. not comparable.. different people different paths to nirvan.. each to his own.. bullshit...

pathar ke in ratson pe, phoolon ki ek chadaar hai...
jab se milen ho humko, badla hai har ek manzar hai...
kya mujhe pyar hai, asia khumar hai...***

is life a comparison.. who where how much... or is it more simple than that.. is it about feeling...

is life not but a series of experiences.. pain and joy.. thats it.. in its many guises in its many aliases.. in its many degrees and directions.. in its many forms and conduits.. pain and joy..
if so why be afraid of them.. they are enduring.. beyond all others.. beyond everything..

na deen hai na duniya na insaan na bhagvan.. sirf main.. sirf main..****

agony and ecstacy... the polar opposites on which this mortal existance of ours revolves.. spins.. uncontrollably..

do we accept this absolute calvanian view of inevtability.. isnt there somethign sacred..? something personal.. something.. mouldable by the self.. a reflection of who we are.. ours.. a legacy.. some thing to say that yes.. i am.. and i did.. and somewhere someone is affected..

or does it go deeper than that even... baser than even base.. underneath it alll... why the pain.. or the joy.. if its just a shuffling of the deck.. then.. why worry.. just be.. live..

drain.. and expereince.. and drain every experience.. take it in.. let it out.. be it.. be them all.. all the forms.. and shapes and conduits.. let them all come to you.. and from you.. and become you...

life...

the magical undefiend force that is beyond even experience.. even base.. life.. eternal and giving..

be life...

today.. and forever.. pledge to just be.. be... and all else will come and go and change.. you just be..

be....

*Niana, Ost - Omkara
**Chak De, Ost - Chak De
***Kya Mujhe Pyaar Hai, Ost - Woh Lamhe
****Guide, Vijay Anand

an eventful night...

as all good tales must be, this too is set in a mystical land.. a place called new york... one arrives into this cocophony of life and is at once unsettled and elated by the sheer magnitde of it all.. the scale.. larger than life.. the big apple...

the story though, unravles thus... a dinner... filet mignon and brooks pinot noir.. one seamingly made for the other... a leisurely meal.. nostagia and updates... time flies.. a quick cab ride.. horus.. mint green tea and sheesha... more stories.. some bitching and an introspection of who we are and how happy we are to be with who we are... more sheesha... more conversation.. flowing like the old.. accustomed... familiar...

back home.. hospitalty and lucidity... more endless conversations about agartala...

a sudden realisation.. some panic.. to distanced yet.. not real..

check.. re check.. re re check.. hope.. pain... futility... not there...

a few frantic phonecalls.. not there...

a few more.. not there...

that difficult call.. admiting.. self blame.. why me... not again...

helplessness.. tears.. pain.. futlity... absolute disgust...

rethinking.. going over it again and again.. dsecting.. redisecting.. conjecturing...

hoping against hope.. against santiy.. this is new york... no way anyones gonna turn it in...

still hope...

sleepless nights.. playing on repeat.. in superslow motion..

agony.. exhaustion... seven am... sleep...

eight am.. call to action...

nypd.. 17th precinct.. 26 federal plaza... 86th st... helter skelter..

one innocuous call... a message..

more calls.. high connections...

the consuate...

a call.. yes we do.. yes you can.. ill b right there..

smile.. breathe... exhale.. finally... run.. cab.. pay... feet tapping.. heart racing.. in my hands...

absolute relief...

never again... never...

dark chocolate mocha and a conversation... peace...

and through it all her constanct support.. unshakeable...

anahat arora lost his passort on 27th and park and found it next morning... a series of very unfortunate events...

life goes on...

five weeks....

as I sit today five weeks into what will undoubtedly be a career and maybe life defining two semesters at the hotel school at Cornell.. I cannot but help think that this may in fact be worth it.. the costs are staggering.. financial and emotional.. this frantic pace if globetrotting which began in singapore and which will culminate there many months from now... will undoubtedly lead me onto experiences i'd never imagined.. yet the journey may itself be as rewarding as the goal.. as many a wise men have said over the course of the eons..

one so often get caught up in the melle of it all that one forgets to enjoy the little moments of pure joy and sorrow.. what is life if not the justaxpositioning of the two basest of emotions...

swimming in the waterfalls and gorges of the six mile creek by my second day in.. catching my first of many wide mouthed bass.. discovering a discreet little tobacco shop that sells al-faker.. wearing the Cornell Hotel Society pin on your lapel.. driving on the wrong side of the road and realising it was indeed the right side no matter how loudly the decades of conditioning were screaming warning signals inside your head..

day trip to the over rated niagra falls.. discovering the iPhone in it's many incarnate wonders.. endless afternoons at college town bagels.. walking the proud and historically rich halls of the statler filled with a sense of pride and belonging... watching the sunset at nine in the evening and discovering bright sunshine and a pretty drizzle at six... the magical taste of ying ling hitting the palette.. the endless nights spent over excel solver and powerpoint... the thrill of winning and the numbing disappointment of defeat... the casual glances and the occasional unashamed racial slur...

being part of something so grand and so welcoming yet being completely isolated in the vastness of it all... being constantly connected via technology and the realisation of the desperate need to be so...

sitting alone and puffing your very being in clouds of sheesha smoke.. grasping the familiar so tight that it slips away... new accents new people new lives.. same me...

in just five weeks.. and there are another nineteen to come... what will they bring...?

magical fingertips...

I write this from my magical fingertips.. With no more excuses for spelling errors and typos.. With my new iPhone 3g.. apples new magical convergence device.. True it does have some bugs that need fixing.. But the simplicity with which you can use the clumsy touch key pad thanks to the built in algorithms is just fantastic.. Enough with clunky laptops and worrying about battery power.. This Is the future it's here today.. Kudos to Steve jobs and his team again.. Another social phenomenon in the making...

I sign off now into another sleepless Ithaca night.. And that is yet another story yet to be told of weather gods with a quirky sense of humour, new york state bar rules, bike rides into oblivion and spin fishing...

But for now.. I truly recommend this little gem to anyone considering it.. And to anyone waiting for it.. Stick to it.. It's more than well worth the wait.. I mean how do you compete with an app that delivers motion sensing light sabre sounds! Come on..