dilemmas of the soul...

voids... honestly emptiness.. a lack of.. somethings missing.. a little high.. a little smashed.. quite exhausted.. and the only thing i can really conjure up.. is that i feel a void..

it could be living alone.. it could be companionship.. it could be work.. it could be anything.. or it could be nothing.. it could just be that we're a generation of boys brought up by our mothers, in a cocooned existence of left liberal world views.. never denied.. always encouraged.. always left alone to be ourselves.. try our ideas.. fall and learn on our own.. we are islands.. and in our naivety we our proud individualists... always alone..

y is it ok anahat.. well mostly because i got here on my own terms.. then y r you so empty anahat.. well i havent the foggiest..

but i am here on my own terms.. and i have much to be thankful for.. i do know that any decision i make.. my parents would support. quit.. move cities.. study more.. hibernate for a while.. my friends would encourage.. my cazas would applaud..

what makes you believe that an education no matter how vocational it may be.. needs to lead to a 9to6 job.. am pm.. whatever.. why cant it jus be educational.. experiential..

why do we believe that cars and vodkaredbulls and plasma display panel can fill the soul.. they jus distract.. they're like lava lamps.. enh mj.. look bloody good but serve no real purpose..

oh i dont know.. sometimes the dilemma of weekends is the dilemma of the soul.. way too much time on your hands for endless thoughts.. of endless longings of courage and look at thems..

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
Closer where i Started
Chasing after you

i'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all i've held onto
i'm standing here until you make me move
i'm hanging by a moment here with you

forgetting all i'm lacking
completely incomplete
i'll take your invitation
you take all of me
now.. i'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all i've held onto*

*cf: Hanging by a Moment, Lifehouse

one life to live...

sometimes.. ur sittin on a sunday evening.. and lifes a whirl.. a blur of realities and possibilities.. i think what i hold most against myslef is that i forget to be careful.. about people.. its the only thing where i have double standards.. i whine like a girl with a shinned knee.. (pseudofeminists please calm down.. it jus puts it more into perspective.. no harm done) when it comes to me.. and yet i go ahead and take way too many liberties when it comes to others..

at twentyfive and the reality of who you are is a bit more turbulent than you'd like.. sheeeshee... in... blow... close your eyes.. smile.. sigh... anahat apologies... im sorry..

*snip..

i'm sixteen.. im in school.. im seeing the most wonderfully alive person in the world.. she's everything to me.. i know im everything to her.. but its too shielded.. its too perfect.. and i want more.. i want life.. i want pain.. i want pleasure.. i want stark reality.. i want to experience which i cant with her.. not then.. not like that... so i break a heart.. prudishly and childishly.. im sorry..

*snip

i'm seventeen.. my life is centered around the closest friend in the world to me... she's kind.. she's pretty.. shes way too nice.. the line is a dot.. there is no line.. it merges.. its spills... i get confused.. i get scared.. i get personal.. i get selfish.. i am selfish.. im reckless with her.. im sorry..

*snip

i'm eighteen.. she's twenty two.. shes spirited.. shes talented.. but shes just a girl too.. its amazin.. its exciting.. but im too.. aggressive.. was it? too demanding.. too brazen.. it all gets mixed up.. its jus been four weeks.. it swings from theatre to writing to books to some amazing sensuality.. its marxist.. its black coffee.. and it confuses me.. it confuses her.. im impatient.. im rash.. im cruel... im sory..

*snip

i'm nineteen.. i'm contemptible.. i'm still just a kid.. its on msn.. its in real life.. it's college.. its trying to grow up too fast.. it's nine months.. ive grown.. ive learned.. shes wonderful.. its so many new emotions.. wallpaper.. kids names.. you want how many kids.. its all too fast.. im nineteen.. im still contemptible.. its too intense.. love.. life.. commitment.. we ruin it.. im sorry...

*snip

i'm still nineteen.. its about e and the perfect high.. its about cars and women.. its about airwalk and gap.. its about vodka and plotu's.. its about rebounding.. its about the longest talks of endless life.. its about dismantling someone.. its about ego.. its about knowing somethings over somethings not going to be.. its about jus going along.. its not fair.. im sorry...

*snip

im still nineteen.. im twenty.. what r there names?.. im sorry...

*snip

im still twenty.. diwali.. a payal.. a girl.. a friend.. an obtuse enigma.. habitat... the lighthouse.. books.. Johnathan Livingston seagull.. ayn rand.. turtel cafe.. misunderstandings and too many feelings.. too much to grapple with.. honestly i thought.. nevermind.. im sorry...

*snip

i'm twenty one.. you belong to me.. detox.. expectations reduces joy.. i need a coke.. smash.. bell jar.. little prince.. imperial garden.. flavours.. never know falling for someone so quickly.. too quickly? so completely.. lightening.. melodramatic.. naah.. it was real.. it was amazing.. hi.. one of my friends asked me why im wearing this ring?.. she asked if i was engaged.. hehe.. no its my girlfriends.. oh yeah.. it is.. hi.. we're going out. jus wann tell you.. hehe.. okok ill asssssk you out nice and proper when im back.. but jus know it.. we are.. wow. does that really happen.. lives.. realities.. continuous merging.. dreams.. pains.. passions.. real.. lives entwined into perfection. she completed me.. in so many ways.. we were the same in so many ways.. falling in love.. synaulia.. tumse milke aisa laga.. arman hue pure dil ke.. families and parties. phone bills and delhi trips.. friends and best friends.. crushes and breakups.. everything jus washed by.. blurred past.. we were us.. everything peripheral.. is it? it catches up.. its creates cracks.. and when it snaps.. oh dear.. call it goa.. call it the distance.. call it u and me. call it ego.. nevermind.. i was mean.. i lied.. i did.. i conspired.. i was malicious.. what do you do with a love so intense.. you cant control it.. the heart contorts.. i fought. i screamed.. but i loved.. i love stil.. im sorry...

*snip

i'm twenty three.. we met at a wedding.. weddings they say.. great place for hook ups.. well would you beleive it.. she was kind.. she was a rebel.. she had this energy.. this longing.. to do more.. to be more.. but i wasnt ready... and neither was she.. we grappled.. she bit.. too hard.. we watched movies and had endless and endless cups of coffe.. we talked and had sushi.. i didnt know hat i felt.. i bloody well knew what i felt.. but i was too damn scared.. and i was careless.. nono.. not careless.. but i should have been more careful.. in a city i hated in a city i was so eager to leave for an elesiac dream of another.. she was the only real person i wish id been more careful about.. im sorry...

*snip

im still twenty three. and the sex was amazing.. endless days.. not so many nights.. some ice cream.. movenpick was it.. you could never be on time.. leather bar.. pasha.. that dress.. wow.. jus be careful.. im not ready to be in anything.. well thats just fine neither am i.. feed the soul.. feed the space.. feed the void.. (nitin bro we're out again.. u'r turn to the chemist.. cant he home deliver.. i hate his wierd smile)... but i was cheating.. was it really cheating. i dindt feel it.. not emotionally.. oh the sex was insane.. but.. i wanst all there. i know that.. did she... im sorry...

*snip

im twenty four.. one two three four five six seven.. oh her.. ya i slwpt with her.. hmm.. shes cute.. hmm.. oooh nice ass.. hi.. how you doin.. hmmm.. should i drop you home then.. its about seven am.. endless.. what was is.. meaningful sex with meaningless people.. what do you become.. anahat ur a slut.. maybe i am.. but a few.. i shoudnt have.. just because u can doesnt mean you should. you know..do you.. i was a rebound.. really.. if it fits.. and you.. and her.. and her.. oh god.. im sorry... were freinds.. the morning afters.. dont return that call. dont pick up her phone.. eight nine ten eleven twelve thirteen.. oh god.. im sorry

*snip

and now im twentyfive... will i write another one soon.. will i make the same mistakes.. will i learn.. ive taken few apologies my way too you know.. haha.. it does hurt doesnt it.. u want what u cant have.. and the minute you can.. what happens then..

one life to live.. and you live it the way you can..

manzilon pe aake lut te hain dilon ke karavan
kashtiyan sahil pe aksar doobti hain pyar ki

pyar kana jurm hai to jurm hamse ho gaya
kabilen mafi hua karte nahi aise gunah
tang dil hai yeh jahan aur sang dil mera sanam
kya karen joshe junoo, aur hosla phir kya karen

cf: *Manzilen Apni Jagah, Ost - Sharabi