sometimes.. ur sittin on a sunday evening.. and lifes a whirl.. a blur of realities and possibilities.. i think what i hold most against myslef is that i forget to be careful.. about people.. its the only thing where i have double standards.. i whine like a girl with a shinned knee.. (pseudofeminists please calm down.. it jus puts it more into perspective.. no harm done) when it comes to me.. and yet i go ahead and take way too many liberties when it comes to others..
at twentyfive and the reality of who you are is a bit more turbulent than you'd like.. sheeeshee... in... blow... close your eyes.. smile.. sigh... anahat apologies... im sorry..
*snip..
i'm sixteen.. im in school.. im seeing the most wonderfully alive person in the world.. she's everything to me.. i know im everything to her.. but its too shielded.. its too perfect.. and i want more.. i want life.. i want pain.. i want pleasure.. i want stark reality.. i want to experience which i cant with her.. not then.. not like that... so i break a heart.. prudishly and childishly.. im sorry..
*snip
i'm seventeen.. my life is centered around the closest friend in the world to me... she's kind.. she's pretty.. shes way too nice.. the line is a dot.. there is no line.. it merges.. its spills... i get confused.. i get scared.. i get personal.. i get selfish.. i am selfish.. im reckless with her.. im sorry..
*snip
i'm eighteen.. she's twenty two.. shes spirited.. shes talented.. but shes just a girl too.. its amazin.. its exciting.. but im too.. aggressive.. was it? too demanding.. too brazen.. it all gets mixed up.. its jus been four weeks.. it swings from theatre to writing to books to some amazing sensuality.. its marxist.. its black coffee.. and it confuses me.. it confuses her.. im impatient.. im rash.. im cruel... im sory..
*snip
i'm nineteen.. i'm contemptible.. i'm still just a kid.. its on msn.. its in real life.. it's college.. its trying to grow up too fast.. it's nine months.. ive grown.. ive learned.. shes wonderful.. its so many new emotions.. wallpaper.. kids names.. you want how many kids.. its all too fast.. im nineteen.. im still contemptible.. its too intense.. love.. life.. commitment.. we ruin it.. im sorry...
*snip
i'm still nineteen.. its about e and the perfect high.. its about cars and women.. its about airwalk and gap.. its about vodka and plotu's.. its about rebounding.. its about the longest talks of endless life.. its about dismantling someone.. its about ego.. its about knowing somethings over somethings not going to be.. its about jus going along.. its not fair.. im sorry...
*snip
im still nineteen.. im twenty.. what r there names?.. im sorry...
*snip
im still twenty.. diwali.. a payal.. a girl.. a friend.. an obtuse enigma.. habitat... the lighthouse.. books.. Johnathan Livingston seagull.. ayn rand.. turtel cafe.. misunderstandings and too many feelings.. too much to grapple with.. honestly i thought.. nevermind.. im sorry...
*snip
i'm twenty one.. you belong to me.. detox.. expectations reduces joy.. i need a coke.. smash.. bell jar.. little prince.. imperial garden.. flavours.. never know falling for someone so quickly.. too quickly? so completely.. lightening.. melodramatic.. naah.. it was real.. it was amazing.. hi.. one of my friends asked me why im wearing this ring?.. she asked if i was engaged.. hehe.. no its my girlfriends.. oh yeah.. it is.. hi.. we're going out. jus wann tell you.. hehe.. okok ill asssssk you out nice and proper when im back.. but jus know it.. we are.. wow. does that really happen.. lives.. realities.. continuous merging.. dreams.. pains.. passions.. real.. lives entwined into perfection. she completed me.. in so many ways.. we were the same in so many ways.. falling in love.. synaulia.. tumse milke aisa laga.. arman hue pure dil ke.. families and parties. phone bills and delhi trips.. friends and best friends.. crushes and breakups.. everything jus washed by.. blurred past.. we were us.. everything peripheral.. is it? it catches up.. its creates cracks.. and when it snaps.. oh dear.. call it goa.. call it the distance.. call it u and me. call it ego.. nevermind.. i was mean.. i lied.. i did.. i conspired.. i was malicious.. what do you do with a love so intense.. you cant control it.. the heart contorts.. i fought. i screamed.. but i loved.. i love stil.. im sorry...
*snip
i'm twenty three.. we met at a wedding.. weddings they say.. great place for hook ups.. well would you beleive it.. she was kind.. she was a rebel.. she had this energy.. this longing.. to do more.. to be more.. but i wasnt ready... and neither was she.. we grappled.. she bit.. too hard.. we watched movies and had endless and endless cups of coffe.. we talked and had sushi.. i didnt know hat i felt.. i bloody well knew what i felt.. but i was too damn scared.. and i was careless.. nono.. not careless.. but i should have been more careful.. in a city i hated in a city i was so eager to leave for an elesiac dream of another.. she was the only real person i wish id been more careful about.. im sorry...
*snip
im still twenty three. and the sex was amazing.. endless days.. not so many nights.. some ice cream.. movenpick was it.. you could never be on time.. leather bar.. pasha.. that dress.. wow.. jus be careful.. im not ready to be in anything.. well thats just fine neither am i.. feed the soul.. feed the space.. feed the void.. (nitin bro we're out again.. u'r turn to the chemist.. cant he home deliver.. i hate his wierd smile)... but i was cheating.. was it really cheating. i dindt feel it.. not emotionally.. oh the sex was insane.. but.. i wanst all there. i know that.. did she... im sorry...
*snip
im twenty four.. one two three four five six seven.. oh her.. ya i slwpt with her.. hmm.. shes cute.. hmm.. oooh nice ass.. hi.. how you doin.. hmmm.. should i drop you home then.. its about seven am.. endless.. what was is.. meaningful sex with meaningless people.. what do you become.. anahat ur a slut.. maybe i am.. but a few.. i shoudnt have.. just because u can doesnt mean you should. you know..do you.. i was a rebound.. really.. if it fits.. and you.. and her.. and her.. oh god.. im sorry... were freinds.. the morning afters.. dont return that call. dont pick up her phone.. eight nine ten eleven twelve thirteen.. oh god.. im sorry
*snip
and now im twentyfive... will i write another one soon.. will i make the same mistakes.. will i learn.. ive taken few apologies my way too you know.. haha.. it does hurt doesnt it.. u want what u cant have.. and the minute you can.. what happens then..
one life to live.. and you live it the way you can..
manzilon pe aake lut te hain dilon ke karavan
kashtiyan sahil pe aksar doobti hain pyar ki
pyar kana jurm hai to jurm hamse ho gaya
kabilen mafi hua karte nahi aise gunah
tang dil hai yeh jahan aur sang dil mera sanam
kya karen joshe junoo, aur hosla phir kya karen
cf: *Manzilen Apni Jagah, Ost - Sharabi
18 comments:
lived..loved..lied..lost
we've all been there anahat. it takes courage to admit. kudos!
kudos?
sissy...
Eat when there's food.
Drink when there's liquor.
Fuck when there's... yeah.
Duck when her husband comes by.
Apologize - only when its due.
The only immoral act is denying yourself natural course. It is irrelevant whether it is time to eat, drink, fuck, sleep, love, hate or fuck up. It will all come with natural course. To deter and/or force it? - Now THATS immoral - apologies are due.
Don't waste them on the wasted.
An interesting side-discussion has gone on, away from this blog but ABOUT this blog.
Please visit-
http://bahel.blogspot.com/2006/11/id-like-to-live.html
...in the comments section if you are interested.
its not about apologies or morality... its about acknowledgement.
it means a lot to the people mentioned in the blog that it was written and even more so coz it wasnt expected.
and if nothing else, we always need drama in our lives, and if it doesnt come to us, then we go ahead and find it.
here's to drama!
You messed up - big deal.
Some people that you are talking about are still there, irrespective of how far you took liberties with them.
The ones you can't remember don't count. They were never meant to count.
The ones that count forgave you a long time ago, even if they don't admit or act like it.
You'll learn.
Just read the whole lot of comments posted on this blog and Aman's blog.. and have cpl of pearls of wisdom of my own to add to this madness:
1. Anahat, you always seem to think you messed up!! Or that things will get bad, so u stop calling/msging etc.. dont be such a bloody escapist! And hey, if something "happened", it must have been consentual right?!! So why would things be awkward?!
2. Whats the deal about forgiving?! Com'on.. am sure the women knew what they were getting into, unless they were stark drunk and u whisked them off at a random party! Its just physical at the end of the day, not about finding your knight in shining armour!
Ruchika - well said!
wohh! hold up there all those who shower wisdom...
There is fine line between an apology and saying you're sorry - I do hope you relaise that. An acknowledgement of what was and what coudl have been is all i've made here.. no one mentioned on this blog is above reproach, some more so than me.. but its not about blame..
its just about acknowledgement...
and this life i've lived...
hmm i agree anahat..its not bout apologizes..i mean wat can u apologize for? things sometimes just go wrong for no reason
My comment was actually in your defense. My mistake that I used "you" instead of "we".. so actually my comment would read
We all mess up - big deal.
Some people that you are talking about are still there, irrespective of how far you took liberties with them.
The ones you can't remember don't count. They were never meant to count.
The ones that count forgave you a long time ago, even if they don't admit or act like it.
We all learn.
Happy??!!!?
anahat is happy.
errr...
by virtue of saying "sorry" - you are apolog-etic. i'm SORRY to say but if you were implying you are sorry for these acknowledgements - then that isn't clear in your post.
As maya cruises from site to blog site appeasing the blog gods - don't you dare take solace in her words! She's just saying that to make you feel better. Then after, you can take a warm bath and throw some kenny g on.
fact is - you're still a sissy.
Aman - fact is .... u don't have the balls to introspect or apologise or anything that requires actually looking at yourself and saying you could have done something differently.
Stop tripping on Anahat for trying.
And as for appeasing the Blog gods... you are the one that does updates!!
my dear butsy... if u have to behave like a stubborn twenty four year old and not let yourself see the subtle nuance between an apology and saying sorry... what am i to do? I shal merely nod.. and smile.. *nodding *smiling
but kenny g? keeeeny? after all these years.. this my frined.. the deepest cut of all...
You're dead on Maya. I don't sit down and cry over spilt milk. I'll find a straw and slurp it up off the ground. Introspection SPECIFICALLY with respect to relationships is a waste of time - UNLESS - you're getting back into a relationship with the same person - or in it already and trying to work it out.
Could have - should have - whatever. You're not going to learn anything from old relationships except that you are suddenly a little pickier, because you've established what you like more and what you don't like more (in my view there are pros and cons to this - while you have more guidance toward what you're looking for, I think it takes a little chunk away from your compromising side as well).
Aside from the fact that I don't make mistakes (je suis perfect!), you don't need balls to acknowledge a mistake. For anyone to think - wow! i have made a tremendous achievement by acknowledging my mistake! has a long way to go.
There's nothing ballsy about being a pussy. That statement can be taken metaphorically and literally.
And YES, i don't take the time to sit and mull over every little nuance and petty bullshit thing that happens in my life, i don't need that to get me from one day to the next.
EVERY relationship is going to be different. There is NO way for you to say "hmm... i was aggressive in my last one, maybe i'll be less so in this one" - it doesn't work... your new relationship may enjoy that mix, maybe even need it. MAY MAY MAY - all subjective to circumstance and all boiling down to the fact that everyone is different and adding two variables together will ALWAYS give you another variable.
Live, learn.. move the fuck on.
sorry ana - i'll help complete the picture. Rose petals in the tub? candles? Sydney Sheldon?
i do believe the one thing which is abunduntly obvious is the moving on my friend.. its propotional to the number of snips.. wouldn't you say.. I think of all people you know I don't deny myself life.. in whatever form.. pain or pleasure.. this isn't about maybes and what could have beens.. its jus about the life i've lived... i didn't need to say i'm sorry.. but somewhere i felt i should.. the mistakes were mine to make... and i'm not regretting or whining over them.. my life to life.. mine to screw up.. or mine to jus realise the've screwed up and move on.. but on another level mine to acknowledge as well.. realise.. this blog.. this post.. its more for me than anyone else.. not wasting apologies on the wasted.. thats for me as wlel.. a lot more than for anyone else out there..
also - sidney sheldon.. have i ever read sidney sheldon u limelight huggin meglomanic...? jesus h c.
Enough...
you both are ridiculous...
Anahat - u forgot to add the EGOTISTICAL to the limelight hugging meglomaniac...
:)
Btw.. try Conversations with God instead of the Sidney Sheldon.
Tsk. Bet you didn't know you'd spark off such a major debate :)
I liked the style, very stream of consciousness, which was appropriate considering the fluidity and ambiguity that surrounds all relationships and all sex. Good job.
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