Possibilities

thoda sa to sabr karon yaaron
chaal to hum ko chalne do...
haar aur jeet to hoti hai
khel to yaaron khelne do...*

inspiration can take many forms... it can come from the slightest brush of nostalgia... from the slightest hint of a smile long forgotten...

i haven't written in some time now... a long hiatus.. and a post long overdue... but it needed that right nudge... which I got today... at being able to find an old song from a very old hindi movie... ek subah ek mod par...

you go through life.. taking things as they come.. shaping your destiny with will and vanity.. forging through experiences, hitherto unknown.. like an out stretched hand that grasps.. sometimes air, sometimes the fruit of some long forgotten labour...

i am again about to turn my world upside down... always restless.. in pursuit of that hazy shape far off in the horizon.. of what can be.. possibilities...

i embark again on a journey, seeped with lonliness and disconnect.. leaving behind the comforts i fought and kicked and whined to get back to... home... delhi.. familar pills of lethargy...

i risk much.. a love found.. a love maybe not fully nurtured... but a love trusted... with faith and a sense of something larger, more meaningful, more wholesome and continuous...

i despise standing still.. and yet i yearn for stillness so much more.. it is the dichotomy that is me... a polar illusion which may destroy me.. and one that certainly defines me...

singapore... ithaca... unknown places holding the promise of ambition and possibility and pain...

new people.. places.. possibilities... in a jingle jangle morning i follow a new dream...

a leap of blind faith, that somehow it would yield what i want.. yet, i know not what i really want.. and i know what i do.. and this isn't it either...

jab kabhi mud ke dekhta hun main
tum bhi kuch ajnabee si lagti ho...
main bhi kuch ajnabee sa lagta hun...**

will i recognise what i want in time.. will i recognise me, the next time i look back at myself...

no regrets...

ek subah ek mod par...
maine kaha use rok kar
hath bada ai zindagi
aankh mila ke baat kar...***

so much is fluid.. so much is wagered.. my essence my future.. me

roz tere jeene ke liye ek subah mujhe mil jaati hai...***

a new world full of possibilities

tere hazaron chehron main ek chehra hi mujhse milta hai
tu shaam meri main tera seher...***

but i know what im coming back to this time.. and thats a certainty that is beyond blind faith, its built on a knowledge as deep as the love which makes it possible..

a love that makes it all possible...

a strength that comes to face the unknown, from within that certainty...

maidan hai saari zindagi
aur khel hai saari umro ka...
kuch aur bhi acha lagta hai
phal milta hai jab sabr ka
thoda sa sabr karo yaaron...*

thanks my hobbit...

*cf: Hip Hip Hurray Ho, Ost - Hip Hip Hurray, 1984
**cf: Jab Kabhi Mudk Dekhtan Hun Main, Ost - Hip Hip Hurray, 1984
***cf: Ek Subah Ek Mod Par, Ost - Hip Hip Hurray, 1984

second guessing eventuality...

is mod se agle mod talakh... humko bhi saathi chalne de...
haar aur jeet to hoti hai.. khel to yaaron khelne do...*

i've always held that life is a journey.. to be sucked dry.. that the sheer gamut and vastness of experiences holds more in it.. than most of our imaginations can even begin to comprehend... that just living is enough... through pain through heartbrake.. jobs... people... cities... relationships... they come they go.. come around goes around.. and u move on.. head held high.. and a sense of purpose..

tell me how he died...
i will tell you how he lived...**

but i will say this... it feels good to put my head on her shoulder and know that i am loved...

cynicism has been good to me.. its made me realise the value of taking this step that i have.. i cherish this moment.. of happiness.. so much more. because even though i've spent the last two and half years running away from it at every possible occasion.. i've yearned for it with all my soul...

to belong.. to be here.. to wake up knowing.. she's mine...

i never imagined that i would be able to willingly let myself be vulnerable again.. now that i know that i am... it doesn't scare me so much anymore.. it makes me smile instead...

its a world of possibilities.. lets go exploring...***

it really is...

hi... so we should catch up then... when im in delhi next... heres my number...

mocha... conversation... sumthing...

endless conversations about music.. and each other.. endless messages about absolutely nothing.. rain.. lyrics.. events.. nothing.. everything....

a delhi trip... a disaster.. followed up by another not so much a disaster as a release...

you could have atleast picked up the phone.. i musta called a million times.. too much emotion.. to confusing.. walk away.. best to just walk away.. can you...?

silence....

more sheesha... more alcohol... hukkah.. lbw... confusion.. a statement to break a heart.. and another one to give it hope.. all at the same time... walk away... jus walk away... did i?

lbw again.. revelation.. coming full circle...

would you go out with me? heart racing.. hands shivering.. and her smile that frightens and calms me down all at the same time.. a little nod.. sumthing happy about it.. something of an eventuality we both knew we'd come to always...

facebuk reaffirmations and sercpico... jus the right words and a frineds smile...

you should never try and second guess the possibility of eventuality...

ek subah ek mod par main ne kaha use rok kar
haath badha ae zindagi... aankh milaakar baat kar

roz tere jine ke liye
ek subah mujhe mil jaati hai
murajhaati koyi shaam agar to
raat koyi khil jaati hai
main roz subah tak aata huun
aur roz shuru karata huun safar
haath badha ae zindagi... aankh milaakar baat kar****

*cf: Hip Hip Hurray, Hip Hip Hurray, 1984
**cf: The Last Samurai, 2003
***cf: Calvin's Last Words to Hobbes, 2006
****cf: Ek Subah, Hip Hip Hurray, 1984