here's to a happy landing...

I'm blogging on the plane back home.. ok now I am excited.. which is why Im bloggin on the plane.. of course this is just a notebook file and Im gonna have to cutcopypaste the piece but what the helll...

Ok so firstly the freedom of all those client calls.. its exhillarating... then meeting Gopikaa yesterday evening in Mumbai just set the tone for the weekend.. Im home... to my frineds.. to family to familiarity... Even Akshu sms'd saying welcome back! My first sms from him in the 10 years cellphones have been around! haha just kidding...

I was talkin to Donny as he congratulated me on my move back from 'this rat hole' to 'rajma chawal' as he put it.. and I was telling him how Ill probbaly be sick of the damn place in a month but what the hell... nothings perfect.. well except for onion pink cherry blossoms in winter and al fakheer gold aniseed... but then thats a different story all together... oh BTW i have abandoned my sheesha in Mumbai! giftd it away... imagine that shite!
dedigressing... nothings perfect and it could just be a matter of the least likely to kill you...

Chennai was a nightmare which turned into a slow moving disparity.. Mumbai was a whirlwind which became a tedious repetition of travel interrupted by night clubs and lounge bars... Lets see what Delhi's like this time around...

here's to a happy landing...

an ode to sunshine...

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight*

*snip... a few years gone by... pilani and conversations under shaded tree lined walks...quizzical introductions...

diwali.. the festival of whiskey shots lights taash and broken payals...

ihc... swimming the summer away... on the lawns in front of american diner.. a huge crush... the fuzzz of unfamiliar niceness...an unusual woman.. a beautiful woman.. strong independent and proud.. oh so proud.. and a little obtuse... but so easily carried away and so easy to fall in love with.. so easy to believe that she could fall...

of a smile to die for and eyes to drown in...

messages and fleeting conversations... balcony of the library.. black coffee and sugar doughnuts... and eliot.. seth.. woolf... the play of light and darkness and a fascination ever growing...

lsr annual day... compromises and smiles.. the rock show and big chill...

midnight conversations and ministry of sound... possessiveness and the nicest sense of something that can be...

turtle cafe and reality... confusion and hurt.. mistaken intentions.. or convenient altercations of priorities.. giving second chances... and snatching possibilities...

life carries on.. and people come and go.. taking of michelangelo..

msn.. and the typing of closely held outbursts...

celebrity weddings at the taj... impressing the parents.. missed dinners.. desert counters... and forgiveness that will never come..

weekend trips and rock concerts... beer dwelling creatures of mojos and pecos... missing reality and rushed goodbyes...

endless messages about nothing...

an ode to sunshine... to a possibility... never explored never given a chance.. an ode to chance..

an ode to a possibility still...

an ode to love.. and little posts of scribbling your mind for the world to read and judge... and forgotten birthdays..

We spotted the ocean at the head of the trail
Where are we going, so far away
And somebody told me that this is the place
Where everythings better, everythings safe
Walk on the ocean
Step on the stones
Flesh becomes water
Wood becomes bone
And half and hour later we packed up our things
We said wed send letters and all those little things
And they knew we were lying but they smiled just the same
It seemed theyd already forgotten wed came**

*cf: Angel, Sarah McLachlan
**cf: Walk on the Ocean, Toad the Wet Sproket

a little pile of goodbyes

sitting here... on this bed ive called home for the last twenty months or so.. and i see bare walls where memories hung.. and empty tables and shelves where identities were stacked in particular orders... lots of packed boxes and packets.. string tied and brown tape tight.. a life packed into a little heap of luggage...things bought things borrowed things stolen and things thought lost... all in a little pile of goodbyes...

leaves u a certain emptiness.. no matter how much ive been wanting to leave.. now that i finally am.. it does prick a little.. a little uneasiness.. this itch in the throat that isnt harmful but does keep cuming up every once in a while... my only sense of reality and entertainment remains here under my fingers.. as i type away another chapter not of this blog.. but of my life.. as is meant to be.. as i move on to bigger brighter memories.. experience the sense of loss.. not of places.. and familiarities but of people.. people met and people not met enough.. people loved and people not loved honestly.. people forgotten.. and people who i wish i could forget.. but cant... people people people.. isnt life a series of associations.. places and priorities yes.. but mostly people.. on a string i tirade the phantasmagoria of these people.. like running through your phonebook and sending those.. hey long time kiddo.. whats the scene messages every once in a while in a desperate attempt to hold onto associations as you skip places and cities and jobs and priorities and time time time always gnawing away at all of these.. clawing and trying so hard to hold onto some semblance of reality of what was what is and what will be...

the wheel of time turns and the ages come and pass
until memory fades to legend, legend to myth and even myth is long forgotten
when the age that gave its birth comes again...
in an age yet to come.. an age long past..*

i sigh.. a long sigh of goodbye to my soulful mumbai...

*cf: The Eye of The World, Book 1 - The Wheel of Time by Robert Jordan

where you most hope for it...

dont fight it... jus give in... ive realised over the years and in the past few days... there are three things you cant fight.. gravity... those who love you/those you love and random urges... its pointless i tell u... go ahead jus lie down.. jus listen.. and jus indulge...

or you'll wake up one day with a broken back and pain in places u cant imagine have horrible thoughts and wish you hadnt been such a coward or such a prick all those times.. and then youll realise youre just looking for sympathy and youll find it in the one place you least expect it and most hope for.. and itll jus make your week.. and then youll realise youre leaving and its jus such a complicated little tumble jumble of emotions and what ifs and timing and place and diametric singularities that youll jus wanna lie down hug the pillow an smile and cry all at the same time...

start spreading the news.. im leaving in a week.. its going to be all sorts of new possibilities and problematic come face to face with the pasts all over again.... im looking forward to some of it more that others of course... but thank god its friday.. or wait is that tuesdays at friday...

a doctor an artiste a corporate whip a lawyer a mountain recluse a journalist and another one a couple of investment bankers a couple of hard working heirs a couple of not so hard working heirs... some old friends some new ones and a whole lot of acquaintances... try as u might u can never have things back the way they were.. meant to be?... whose to say... but u always try to recreate hope try and try again.. and then one day youll wake up with a broken dream and a more dazzling reality and youll realise maybe calvin did know a little bit of what he was on about.. not a lot but maybe just a bit and things do get better after they seem worse... and youll find bliss where you least expect it and where you most hope for it..

come home...