second guessing eventuality...

is mod se agle mod talakh... humko bhi saathi chalne de...
haar aur jeet to hoti hai.. khel to yaaron khelne do...*

i've always held that life is a journey.. to be sucked dry.. that the sheer gamut and vastness of experiences holds more in it.. than most of our imaginations can even begin to comprehend... that just living is enough... through pain through heartbrake.. jobs... people... cities... relationships... they come they go.. come around goes around.. and u move on.. head held high.. and a sense of purpose..

tell me how he died...
i will tell you how he lived...**

but i will say this... it feels good to put my head on her shoulder and know that i am loved...

cynicism has been good to me.. its made me realise the value of taking this step that i have.. i cherish this moment.. of happiness.. so much more. because even though i've spent the last two and half years running away from it at every possible occasion.. i've yearned for it with all my soul...

to belong.. to be here.. to wake up knowing.. she's mine...

i never imagined that i would be able to willingly let myself be vulnerable again.. now that i know that i am... it doesn't scare me so much anymore.. it makes me smile instead...

its a world of possibilities.. lets go exploring...***

it really is...

hi... so we should catch up then... when im in delhi next... heres my number...

mocha... conversation... sumthing...

endless conversations about music.. and each other.. endless messages about absolutely nothing.. rain.. lyrics.. events.. nothing.. everything....

a delhi trip... a disaster.. followed up by another not so much a disaster as a release...

you could have atleast picked up the phone.. i musta called a million times.. too much emotion.. to confusing.. walk away.. best to just walk away.. can you...?

silence....

more sheesha... more alcohol... hukkah.. lbw... confusion.. a statement to break a heart.. and another one to give it hope.. all at the same time... walk away... jus walk away... did i?

lbw again.. revelation.. coming full circle...

would you go out with me? heart racing.. hands shivering.. and her smile that frightens and calms me down all at the same time.. a little nod.. sumthing happy about it.. something of an eventuality we both knew we'd come to always...

facebuk reaffirmations and sercpico... jus the right words and a frineds smile...

you should never try and second guess the possibility of eventuality...

ek subah ek mod par main ne kaha use rok kar
haath badha ae zindagi... aankh milaakar baat kar

roz tere jine ke liye
ek subah mujhe mil jaati hai
murajhaati koyi shaam agar to
raat koyi khil jaati hai
main roz subah tak aata huun
aur roz shuru karata huun safar
haath badha ae zindagi... aankh milaakar baat kar****

*cf: Hip Hip Hurray, Hip Hip Hurray, 1984
**cf: The Last Samurai, 2003
***cf: Calvin's Last Words to Hobbes, 2006
****cf: Ek Subah, Hip Hip Hurray, 1984

some things just are... III

some things just are...

exhaustion... exhalation... exasperation... some things just are.. and you can't twist the thread of life.. ta'veren or not.. not to yourself.. not by sheer will...

every man does make his own destiny.. but we all do also have to play the hand we're dealt.. the best we can... tackle life head on...

the nicest drizzle descended on my part of home the other day... the kind that you could stand in without shirking... and smile.. while the pinpricks tickled your sensibilities into submission...

the little things.. that mean so much..

well it seems that everything is sort of falling into place all over again.. and it does look like its got some future..

as long as we have our sheesha and alcohol i think things will always happen enh....

but it does kind of feel good to be in a commitment again... it feels good to belong... part of a larger whole..

we come full circle on this one p... i lean against the wind and in this moment i am happy...

Jai Hind...

kuchh kar guzarne ko khoon chala khoon chala
aankhon ke sheeshe mein utarne ko khoon chala
badan se tapak kar, zameen se lipat kar
galiyon se raston se
ubharkar, umadkar
naye rang bhar ne ko khoon chala khoon chala
khuli-si chhot lekar, bari-si tich lekar ahista ahista
sawaalon ki ungli, jawaabon ki mutthi sang lekar Khoon chala
kuchh kar guzarne ko khoon chala khoon chala*

Happy 60th to my fellow contrymen... it's special in a rewarding kind of way how now more than ever I feel Indian... a proud Indian... Jai Hind.

*cf: Khoon Chala, Rang de Basanti, Rakeysh Omprakash Mehra Productions

can't take my mind off you....

you're my weakness she said... what is a weakness... its harmful.. it gets you into trouble.. makes u do things you dont want.. its not love.. its not even real.. its selfish.. so selfish and prude... weakness...*

anahat would like to retract this thoughtless and childish outburst... lets write it all over again. with some more insight...

you're my weakness she said... i heard her.. and my heart skipped.. it was the perfect thing to say.. there.. like that.. holding her... it was like the slightest shiver... yet i knew.... she was jus being honest... and i couldn't grudge her that.. she hadn't promised me anything.. rather she had warned.. sinister words.. brave words... i hadn't listed, didn't want to... no fault but mine...

it still felt the world to hear those words.. and echo them in my own heart....

but all that's in the past now...

bygones...

i was talking to an old friend last night... after about eight years we were talking.. really talking.. and she asked me to brief her on what in god's name i'd been doing for the last five yrs i'd been away... and after all the drama and the sympathy hogging.. she said.. u know.. wait for it.. until ur good and ready.. and when u are... itll be perfect..

she may already be right.. id said.. more right than she knew.. more right than I was letting on...

life.. has an extremely sick sense of humour.. but its also strangely generous at times.. its pretty much a goes around comes around sort of setup... is someone puling the strings? who'se to say.. but sometimes it seems to me the 'coincidence' portrays a consciousness of some sort behind it all.. but thats for another time and another post...

time... pepperoni pizza and distraction heals all... i've had more than my fair share of each...

i'm ready...

so like a wise young man said to me once on a train journey through the real india... we shall soon see... **

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to Leave it all behind?
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you***

*cf: A Season of Faith's Imperfection, Things Left Unsaid, Anahat Arora
**cf: Dr. Karthik Ramanna Ph. D, during the Azad Bharat Raial Yatra 1997
***cf: The Blower's Daughter, Damien Rice