kandisa alahaye..

Kandisa Alahaye, Kandisa Esana Kandisa Alahaye, Kandisa Esana
Aalam Balam Aalam, Aamenu Aamen Sliha Mar Yose,
Almaduba Kudisa Aangen Dhanusa,
Nehave Dukharana
Aalam Balam Aalam, Aamenu Aamen Sliha Mar Yose,
Almaduba Kudisa
Aangen Dhanusa,
Nehave Dukharana Kandisa Alaha, Kandisa Esana,
Kandisa La Ma Yosa Isaraha Malem*

*cf: Kandisa, Indian Ocean

Inviting comments... translations.. situations and interpretations of one the the most brilliant and calming pieces of music ever rendered...

some things just are...

some things.. they just are.. friendships.. love.. teasing crushes.. some things they just are.. and you cant fight them.. or hide from them.. some things just are.. perfect..

now you can cloud them with self defence mechanisms of prudishness or dabble in them with a longing felt inside.. but it doesnt change the fact... that some things are perfect.. and neither time.. nor social tags or distance.. can really dent them...

so i had breakfast with an old friend.. and it felt like bliss.. it felt perfect.. unpretentious.. real and simple.. perfect.. some things just are...

apparently all that you have is your soul... enh j?... well my soul is happy today and just for that one hour in the morning.. the void felt complete..

we sat and watched pigeons sip in a swimming pool.. we recounted the last quarter of a decade that we'd been apart.. we spoke of things to come and places to see.. we whispered about dream held close to the hearts and wishes that had wings of desire..

and some things just are.. some things never change... and what do you do when you find someone like that.. well you hold on real tight..

some things are never meant to be.. and in many ways they jus wont.. timing.. social stigma.. or jus plain luck.. some things just arent to be.. they cant be recognised officially... then can only be felt in moments of purity.. of perfection.. without vanity.. without altruistic impressions of grandeur.. just with a tilt of the head and the smile of a soul that knows its all you have..

you make your choices and take your chances.. and sometimes just sometimes they're worth it.. i have been explained about how i need to be able to be vulnerable if i am to truly be able to see beyond what is.. to what can be.. or what must be.. and i am ready i am ready i am ready.. i am fine.. i am covered with skin.. and no ones gets to come in.. pull me out form inside..*

when you long for that damn phone to beep so that you know u have another message and its probably her.. when its more important that the good morning message reaches before she can shake the dreams from her hair.. when all you wait for is to hear her laugh once and feel that tingle.. then you know that some things just are.. even when you have no idea of weather then can really be.. they just are..

perfect..

they are all perfect.. like onion pink cherry blossoms in full bloom in the snow.. perfect.. like the smell of fresh pine on a cold december wet morning when its poured all night.. perfect..

*cf: Colourblind, Counting Crows

dilemmas of the soul...

voids... honestly emptiness.. a lack of.. somethings missing.. a little high.. a little smashed.. quite exhausted.. and the only thing i can really conjure up.. is that i feel a void..

it could be living alone.. it could be companionship.. it could be work.. it could be anything.. or it could be nothing.. it could just be that we're a generation of boys brought up by our mothers, in a cocooned existence of left liberal world views.. never denied.. always encouraged.. always left alone to be ourselves.. try our ideas.. fall and learn on our own.. we are islands.. and in our naivety we our proud individualists... always alone..

y is it ok anahat.. well mostly because i got here on my own terms.. then y r you so empty anahat.. well i havent the foggiest..

but i am here on my own terms.. and i have much to be thankful for.. i do know that any decision i make.. my parents would support. quit.. move cities.. study more.. hibernate for a while.. my friends would encourage.. my cazas would applaud..

what makes you believe that an education no matter how vocational it may be.. needs to lead to a 9to6 job.. am pm.. whatever.. why cant it jus be educational.. experiential..

why do we believe that cars and vodkaredbulls and plasma display panel can fill the soul.. they jus distract.. they're like lava lamps.. enh mj.. look bloody good but serve no real purpose..

oh i dont know.. sometimes the dilemma of weekends is the dilemma of the soul.. way too much time on your hands for endless thoughts.. of endless longings of courage and look at thems..

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
Closer where i Started
Chasing after you

i'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all i've held onto
i'm standing here until you make me move
i'm hanging by a moment here with you

forgetting all i'm lacking
completely incomplete
i'll take your invitation
you take all of me
now.. i'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all i've held onto*

*cf: Hanging by a Moment, Lifehouse

one life to live...

sometimes.. ur sittin on a sunday evening.. and lifes a whirl.. a blur of realities and possibilities.. i think what i hold most against myslef is that i forget to be careful.. about people.. its the only thing where i have double standards.. i whine like a girl with a shinned knee.. (pseudofeminists please calm down.. it jus puts it more into perspective.. no harm done) when it comes to me.. and yet i go ahead and take way too many liberties when it comes to others..

at twentyfive and the reality of who you are is a bit more turbulent than you'd like.. sheeeshee... in... blow... close your eyes.. smile.. sigh... anahat apologies... im sorry..

*snip..

i'm sixteen.. im in school.. im seeing the most wonderfully alive person in the world.. she's everything to me.. i know im everything to her.. but its too shielded.. its too perfect.. and i want more.. i want life.. i want pain.. i want pleasure.. i want stark reality.. i want to experience which i cant with her.. not then.. not like that... so i break a heart.. prudishly and childishly.. im sorry..

*snip

i'm seventeen.. my life is centered around the closest friend in the world to me... she's kind.. she's pretty.. shes way too nice.. the line is a dot.. there is no line.. it merges.. its spills... i get confused.. i get scared.. i get personal.. i get selfish.. i am selfish.. im reckless with her.. im sorry..

*snip

i'm eighteen.. she's twenty two.. shes spirited.. shes talented.. but shes just a girl too.. its amazin.. its exciting.. but im too.. aggressive.. was it? too demanding.. too brazen.. it all gets mixed up.. its jus been four weeks.. it swings from theatre to writing to books to some amazing sensuality.. its marxist.. its black coffee.. and it confuses me.. it confuses her.. im impatient.. im rash.. im cruel... im sory..

*snip

i'm nineteen.. i'm contemptible.. i'm still just a kid.. its on msn.. its in real life.. it's college.. its trying to grow up too fast.. it's nine months.. ive grown.. ive learned.. shes wonderful.. its so many new emotions.. wallpaper.. kids names.. you want how many kids.. its all too fast.. im nineteen.. im still contemptible.. its too intense.. love.. life.. commitment.. we ruin it.. im sorry...

*snip

i'm still nineteen.. its about e and the perfect high.. its about cars and women.. its about airwalk and gap.. its about vodka and plotu's.. its about rebounding.. its about the longest talks of endless life.. its about dismantling someone.. its about ego.. its about knowing somethings over somethings not going to be.. its about jus going along.. its not fair.. im sorry...

*snip

im still nineteen.. im twenty.. what r there names?.. im sorry...

*snip

im still twenty.. diwali.. a payal.. a girl.. a friend.. an obtuse enigma.. habitat... the lighthouse.. books.. Johnathan Livingston seagull.. ayn rand.. turtel cafe.. misunderstandings and too many feelings.. too much to grapple with.. honestly i thought.. nevermind.. im sorry...

*snip

i'm twenty one.. you belong to me.. detox.. expectations reduces joy.. i need a coke.. smash.. bell jar.. little prince.. imperial garden.. flavours.. never know falling for someone so quickly.. too quickly? so completely.. lightening.. melodramatic.. naah.. it was real.. it was amazing.. hi.. one of my friends asked me why im wearing this ring?.. she asked if i was engaged.. hehe.. no its my girlfriends.. oh yeah.. it is.. hi.. we're going out. jus wann tell you.. hehe.. okok ill asssssk you out nice and proper when im back.. but jus know it.. we are.. wow. does that really happen.. lives.. realities.. continuous merging.. dreams.. pains.. passions.. real.. lives entwined into perfection. she completed me.. in so many ways.. we were the same in so many ways.. falling in love.. synaulia.. tumse milke aisa laga.. arman hue pure dil ke.. families and parties. phone bills and delhi trips.. friends and best friends.. crushes and breakups.. everything jus washed by.. blurred past.. we were us.. everything peripheral.. is it? it catches up.. its creates cracks.. and when it snaps.. oh dear.. call it goa.. call it the distance.. call it u and me. call it ego.. nevermind.. i was mean.. i lied.. i did.. i conspired.. i was malicious.. what do you do with a love so intense.. you cant control it.. the heart contorts.. i fought. i screamed.. but i loved.. i love stil.. im sorry...

*snip

i'm twenty three.. we met at a wedding.. weddings they say.. great place for hook ups.. well would you beleive it.. she was kind.. she was a rebel.. she had this energy.. this longing.. to do more.. to be more.. but i wasnt ready... and neither was she.. we grappled.. she bit.. too hard.. we watched movies and had endless and endless cups of coffe.. we talked and had sushi.. i didnt know hat i felt.. i bloody well knew what i felt.. but i was too damn scared.. and i was careless.. nono.. not careless.. but i should have been more careful.. in a city i hated in a city i was so eager to leave for an elesiac dream of another.. she was the only real person i wish id been more careful about.. im sorry...

*snip

im still twenty three. and the sex was amazing.. endless days.. not so many nights.. some ice cream.. movenpick was it.. you could never be on time.. leather bar.. pasha.. that dress.. wow.. jus be careful.. im not ready to be in anything.. well thats just fine neither am i.. feed the soul.. feed the space.. feed the void.. (nitin bro we're out again.. u'r turn to the chemist.. cant he home deliver.. i hate his wierd smile)... but i was cheating.. was it really cheating. i dindt feel it.. not emotionally.. oh the sex was insane.. but.. i wanst all there. i know that.. did she... im sorry...

*snip

im twenty four.. one two three four five six seven.. oh her.. ya i slwpt with her.. hmm.. shes cute.. hmm.. oooh nice ass.. hi.. how you doin.. hmmm.. should i drop you home then.. its about seven am.. endless.. what was is.. meaningful sex with meaningless people.. what do you become.. anahat ur a slut.. maybe i am.. but a few.. i shoudnt have.. just because u can doesnt mean you should. you know..do you.. i was a rebound.. really.. if it fits.. and you.. and her.. and her.. oh god.. im sorry... were freinds.. the morning afters.. dont return that call. dont pick up her phone.. eight nine ten eleven twelve thirteen.. oh god.. im sorry

*snip

and now im twentyfive... will i write another one soon.. will i make the same mistakes.. will i learn.. ive taken few apologies my way too you know.. haha.. it does hurt doesnt it.. u want what u cant have.. and the minute you can.. what happens then..

one life to live.. and you live it the way you can..

manzilon pe aake lut te hain dilon ke karavan
kashtiyan sahil pe aksar doobti hain pyar ki

pyar kana jurm hai to jurm hamse ho gaya
kabilen mafi hua karte nahi aise gunah
tang dil hai yeh jahan aur sang dil mera sanam
kya karen joshe junoo, aur hosla phir kya karen

cf: *Manzilen Apni Jagah, Ost - Sharabi

taking a call..

you tell me where to go and though i might leave to find it...
ill never let your head hit the bed without my hand behind it...*

the best sex i ever had of my life was on a chennai morning... the worst.. well thats another story... the thing is.. i was reading what a friend wrote... and it struck me that its all a bit fussed over and overrated.. i suppose.. and then again.. its all a bit intense.

whats it all about.. the satisfaction of simultaneous erotic orgasms.. or the caveman masochistic notion of being able to give more than you get.. in a multiplistic sort of a way... or is it more carnal.. more basic.. jus sex yeah.. gettin laid.. gettin another 'dent on the bedpost'... i like that.. i woulda gone with.. notch on your hilt.. or is it higher.. making love.. long passionate fabulous love.. is it...

who knows... but I will tell you this.. Its defiantly personal... more so than anything else ever.. and its so wicked.. cause you have to share it.. and you cant ignore that... so weather you regret it. miss it. love it. hope for it. or jus overdo it. its still really personal.

and when it comes down to it.. you gotta decide.. what sort of person are you.. left wing doesnt mean in bed.. liberal doesnt mean liberal about casual sex.. free spirited doesnt equal one night stands..

I always supposed i was the sort of person who wouldnt have a one night stand.. too idealistic i supposed.. too much faith in the heart... was i wrong..

live completely yes.. absorb every iota of what life can offer.. and in some ways this too.. but i dont know.. at some point you just take a call and decide..

ive decided.. and therefore since i cannot practice.. i preach...

*cf: Your Body is a Wonderland, John Mayer

The seat of Jivatman

The Anahat chakra is physically positioned at the heart region. Traditionally, this chakra is represented as a green flower with twelve petals which match the vrittis of lust, fraud, indecision, repentance, hope, anxiety, longing, impartiality, arrogance, incompetence, discrimination and defiance.

Anahat is associated with the ability to make decisions outside of the realm of karma. In Manipura and below, man is bound by the laws of karma, and the fate he has in store for him. In Anahata, one is making decisions, 'following your heart', based upon one's higher self, and not from the unfulfilled emotions and desires of lower nature. The 'wish-fulfilling tree', kalpa taru, resides here, symbolising the ability to manifest whatever you wish to happen in the world.

It is also associated with love and compassion, charity to others, and forms of psychic healing.

Anahat is the seat of the Jivatman.

Ra Ra Ra!

from last night.... at Ra! Phoenix Mills, Mumbai

Last Night's Pics

hippy burday to me...

hipppy burrrday to me...!
yes I am predictable.. and I am vain.. but i dont care.. I am twenty five.. and I am allowed...

you're done.

kehna ko alvida keh de...
par saath rahoge tum sada...
is mod se agle mod talakh hamko bhi saathi chalne de...

a quarter of a centuary into life you wake up and realise youve made your friends.. its not an ongoing process.. there are people out there that own your soul and your lives.. its all divided up and hashed out.. you're done.

I have decided.

1. By next diwali.. my birthday.. I will be back in Delhi... come what may.
2. I have a timetable, I have a plan, and now I have a reason...
3. I'm finished with being single.. and I'm finished with my randomness...
4. I am reformed.. and you will see..

I have decided.

*cf: Hip Hip Hurray

elysiums are replaced...

I spend the night
Yeah looking for my insides in a hotel room
Waiting for you
Were gonna make it tonight
Yeah something in the air tells me the time is right so we better get on
Dont wanna wait
Lord Ive been waiting all my life but
Im too late again
I know but I was scared

koyla is the past... I have found my soul... as commercial as it is.. its the capitalistidealistrockfansdream... Hard Rock Cafe.. back after some Mumbai Police Licensing issues.. The place is wonderful.. all sorts of memorabilia to titillate the idle and progressively intoxicated minds... guitars signed by Jimmy Page.. Full feature album cover of Vitology, Gus Van Sant's Jacket from some groundbreaking performance... and much more... A fabulous sound system... and a DJ with a gift.. who plays Yellow, Even Flow, Black, Patience and Coming Back to Life in the same night... its Mezz but this one isn't dingy and smoke filled.. its huge and lively and not that expensive.. honest...
The place just buzzes.. it manages to tolerate the pseudopartiers who must come to the newest nightspot in town along with the grunge induced kobain fans.. its lets you bawl in your worst drunken stupor to whatever remote rendition you know of the song that's playin.. it doesn't pretend to be all .. hard rock cafe.. its lets you be yourself.. you can sit like an old foggy and grab a bite or crowd the elevated bar area in bachavellian Mellie...
Its lets you breathe.. and I can't claim that of many places...

Cant you see Im moving like a train into some foreign land
I aint Got a ticket for this ride but I will
Cant stop looking back no no
One more for the lovers
O brother wont you lend a hand Im alone in a room
And Im waiting for love
I dont know when this dreams gonna stop
But Im telling you friend I dont want to get up...

Oh, play a song for the lover tonight
Dj, play a song for the lovers tonight*


*cf: Song for the Lovers, RichardAshcroft

and being ready...

Many's the time I've been mistaken
And many times confused
Yes, and I've often felt forsaken
And certainly misused
Oh, but I'm alright, I'm alright
I'm just weary to my bones
Still, you don't expect to be
Bright and bon vivant
So far a-way from home, so far away from home*

This post isn't about being far away from home... this post is about confusions and expectations.. this is a post about being alright... about being forsaken.. and still being alright... this is a post about hope and drudgery... bachavellian drudgery... and being upto it... this is a post about life and its turns.. about mornings and being missed when it rains.. its about fleeting glimpses while driving past and beautiful women in red.. its about concerts and concertos... its about being a bridge over troubled waters.. and about swimming against the wind... its about deep breaths and heavy sighs.. this is a post about crowds and mall fright.. its about pretences and egos.. its about phone calls in the middle of the night and good morning sms's... its about waking up in the morning and raising your weary head.. its about... feeling small... sitting wasted and wounded... this is a post about emotional insecurities.. and being ready... this is a post about the human need to be needed... its about enlightenment and lighting joints... this is a post about leading her down... this is about raising her up... this is a post about Wednesday nights and Sunday afternoons... this is a post about the smell of freshly baked bread and of pine early in the morning after the rains.. this is a post about lindt dark chocolate thins and about Aladdin... its about holidays and vacations and exhalations... its about road rage and podding.. this is a post about realisations... that love isn't just about waking up next to her and knowing that you're completely vulnerable.. but also about accepting and letting go... this is a post about all the little things.. and all the big ones as well.. this is a post about... the life I'm living...

*cf: American Tune, Simon and Garfunkel

forsaken...

she has forsaken me.. i have no doubt that god is a woman with a wicked sense of humour...

You`re dangerous `Cause you`re honest
You`re dangerous You don`t know what you want
Well you left my heart Empty as a vacant lot For any Spirit to haunt
Hey hey Sha la la Hey hey
You`re an accident Waiting to happen
You`re a piece of glass Left there on the beach
Well you tell me things I know you`re not supposed to
When you leave me Just out of reach*

Anahat went on a weekend trip to Delhi, Anahat has learnt the following lessons:

1. Never underestimate Mumbai Traffic or be prepared to pay for it, literally.
2. Never interfere with Bawa when he's drunk... let the bastard get thokoed.. u wont end up almost dislocating you own shoulder at the least.
3. Never underestimate or compromise on the little joys you can cause the ones you love the most, specially your folks.
4. Do not get so drunk that you regret who you wake up with the next morning. Well not regret but more so.. 'worry yourself about messing other things up'
5. Never be involved in a setup where you know both people. You have no objectivity.
6. If someone tells you honestly that the`re "pretty messed up and if i had to give u advice abt myself i'd tell u to keep me at a distance... really!" L I S T E N T O H E R
7. Never start intorductions with 'Oh I've heard so much about you from ......' You have no Idea what that equation really was... ;-)

Ironically Anahat doesn't do learn.. but maybe it'll help in some way.

I dig my toes into the sand
The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds
Strewn across a blue blanket
I lean against the wind
Pretend that I am weightless
And in this moment I am happy...happy

I wish you were here**

*cf: Who's gonna ride your Wild Horses, U2, Achtung Baby
**cf: Wish You Were Here, Incubus

and im living this life..

kya batoon maa kahan hun main
yahan urden ko mere khula aasman hai

yahan sapno waala meri patang
ho befiakr udd rahi hai maa
dor koi lutne nahi
beech se kaate na*

its all about expectation.. and the reality of it all.. aight lemme be comprehesible here.. its a saturday afternoon.. and im home.. im listenin to some music tyrin to make plans for miami vice or united 93... and im living this life.. and thinking about something someone said.. something not so nice.. something adorable.. im planning my monday in my head.. im re-reading some sms's and smiling... im thinking i should blog.. im living this life... but what i really wanna do is slow right down and jus take a break form it all.. its largely laziness and a bit of disdain and disparity at the whole working thing.. im bored.. im tired and ive jus gotten promoted.. so i have a whole new assignment and things to do and people to meet and days to live... and i shouldnt be feeling any of this.. not in a fair sort of way.. this is what i wanted and now ive gotten it.. but im still bored.. and im wondering if i should be home... i was planning to make it for next weekend.. but not to be.. so you see whats happening here right.. my forced life.. this work thing.. is making me compromise for what i really want... to jus be home for a weekend.. be with mum for her birthday.. and catch up with this girl.. thats what i want.. and this is what im doing.. and its voluntary.. its confusing.. i should pack up and go home instead of incessantly whining about it on blogs.. but im not.. this is the life im living and im so used to it and so in the routine and so about some sense of whats the proper thing to be doing.. considering this new assignment which i apparently wanted and never really did except aspirationally and now ive gotten so im gonna have to jus stay in mumbai... for atleast another year or so.. and live this life... that im living.. and ive chosen and i dont want.. not really.. sigh..

to be seveteen and not have the freedom to make your own choices.. to be able to blame it all on others or circumstances.. dont even have that luxury any more..

i want to go to goa.. i want a caprioshka and a hot sun..

*cf: Lukha Chupi, Rang de Basanti, UTV 2006

settle for yourself...

naino ki mat suniyo re...
naino ki jaban par bharosa nahi aata...
na likhat padat na raseed na khata...
saari baat hawai...
naina banwra kardenge... naina thag lenege...*

So you meet up with someone... and theres this little connect.. and eventually you get past the pleasantries of casual flirting and familiarising.. my favourtie part is the four degrees of connections.. you find out how you know them.. now if ur from delhi.. thats not difficult cause everybody knows everybody.. literally... but even so.. it always surprises me about the 'wow whata small world' line and how true it can be.. anyway.. so ur past the nice shoes and oh so u went to skool here.. do u know.. or really u work here.. do u... and now its time for some soulful flirting.. the connection... so eventually u get to one of the whaddya like best/notice first about her sortov provocation.. all a disguised and desperate attempt at picking up some meaningless praise.. so if ur smart ud answer with something that works.. oh its sense of humour.. and btw.. your really witty or some mickeymouseobviousattempt at gratuity of the sort.. or the.. eyes.. i notice her eyes... yeah fucking hell right.. we know exactly what you're looking at u pedomasochisticmoron... *SIGH* anyway...

why am i venting... ? oh i went out last night and i got hit on.. though its nice and enjoyable.. i jus find the whole thing so annoyingly pretentious its annoying.. also i was being ignored by someone else.. anyway...

the point i suppose.. and there must be one... is jus that there is so much masquerading on in the world.. people.. and their masques.. trying so hard to fit in or be someone they're not and so much peer/fashion/tv influence that most of humanity is like a unambiguous horde.. youve flirted with one cute chick with a decent hourglass straight hair slightly streaked in mango or ferrgamo and youve flirted with them all.. i was so hoping.. jus for the minute... jus for a real smile.. a decent exchange of something real last night.. but it jus didnt happen... pity.. she was sweet.. maybe even a luvly girl.. jus didnt have it in her to be her.. how sad is that... im being judgemental..? really.. harsh... well maybe.. but i still think its pretty true in general...

aim for perfection and settle for yourself...

be gold...**

*cf: Naina, Ost - Omkara
**cf: Benson and Hedges Lights print campaign, Ogilvy & Mather

TAG - Grumble!

I am thinking about... why I agreed to this, okok Im at work and this is the LEAST tedious thing I have on my anvil
I said... a is a. then someone told me to behave. i havent figured it out either.
I am... bored.... now.. in life.. generally...
I want to... sit on a fucking beach and have a fucking caprioshka and not worry about deadlines.
I wish... i could sit ona fucking beach and have a fucking caprioshka and not worry about deadlines.
I love... completely.
I cry... more than I should... but rarely.. but more than I should when I do...
I hear... a fucking caprioshka saying.. come come come... no I dont. I jus didnt get this one...
I wonder... if anyone give s a shit about anything "I...."
I regret... No regrets... anahat has no regrets. Yeah right!!
I confuse... Love and Need... sometimes..
I dance... like a jackass on e.. but I love it...
I sing... terribly and all the time...
I am not always... arrogant and vain and proud and grumblle!!
I write... badly... very...
I need... a lot of help!

I Tag Nobody. I dont wanna put anyone through this. But if Maya or Aparna or Ashima volunteer. Would love to hear it.

unplugged sheeseee...

shed a tear cause i'm missing you now
im still allright to smile
girl i think about you everyday now
was a time when i wasn't sure
but you set my mind at ease
there is no doubt u'r in my heart now
said woman.. take it slow and it'll work itself out fine
all we need is just a little patience*

i have realised i love my sheeshee.... jus recently recovered from some nasty throat infection.. tonsillitis sort of a bout... and promptly to al fakheer grape... i have also realised apart from sad depressing guru datt movie songs.. i love listening to unplugged versions of songs i love listening to anyway...

so i decided to pod them all... any unplugged song i could get my hands on that i barely recognised... and i found some gems i couldn't believe... apart from something like nickelback's hero... i found a gnr version of patience which has slash playing a imagine medley in the middle..

wonderful stuff... which kinda got be thinking... whatever happened to gnr.. they made some of the most ridiculously amazing music ever... and i distinctly remember a botoxed version of axl on some award show... it was crap...

hmmm.. some of these guys just dont come again.. the Rush's the gnrs the metallicas the pearl jams... i mean sure some of them are still making great music.. but u cant do another nothing else matters now can you... you can try i suppose.. which is what these guys r up to...

hmmm its about peaking i suppose... i suppose that's why we have so many one hit wonders out there...

jus some thoughts... apparently blogging is about publishing thought...

*cf: Patience, Appetite for Destruction, Guns and Roses

home is a feeling....

yeh joh des hai tera... swades hai tera...
tuhi toh hai rah jo sujhae... tuhi to hai jo yeh batae...
chahe to jis disha pe jaye... wahi des...*

i'm going home tomorrow... true its for like four days... but it feels great to feel it.. i'm going home tomorrow... yes aman i know mumbai is closer than new york.. but home is a feeling.. its about feeling a longing and a belonging...and trust me... in that sense mumbai is just as far away from home as new york... you travel the world and see the sights... you live your lives in many places with many people and for many reasons... but home is home... and eventually we all need to go back home.. even it is jus for 4 days...

someone asked me today if i really missed home that much.. and unabashed i said... yes.. i miss mum and dad and home.. and my friends and my cuzzas... i miss khan and habitat and iic.. i miss lodi road and vasant vihar.. i miss mickeys and niruals and tgif at priya and i miss aurangzeb road... i dont miss delhi.. but i miss home.. and i miss it terribly...

usually you get so caught up in your new lives and the compulsions of your job or whatever and you cloud your mind and your heart with things to do... and places to go... and miles to go... but the heart misses the feeling of home...

when u sit alone on the beanbag and put the lights out and listen to some tunes and smoke the sheeshee thats when it hits u... thats when it overwhelms you...

will u go back to delhi? i will.. eventually i have to.. familys there.. friends will come there... its home ya...

in xanadu did kublai khan a stately pleasure dome decree...**

*cf: Yeh jo Des Hai Tera, Swades
**cf: Kublai Khan, Samuel Taylor Coleridge

whirlwind of emotions...

a whirlwind of emotions.. thats what life really is... at the end of the day.. or at the beggining of it all.. shock.. surprise.. curiosity... anger.. hate.. love.. remorse... joy... ecstacy... longing... desire... momentaty contentment... drunken stupor... and the comfort of the familiar and the nostalgia of a quater of a decade of feelings...

cant deny its been a haitus... jus didnt feel like writing.. then i read butsy's post (http://bahel.blogspot.com) and oh the nostalgia hit like a torrent.. if i delve into that... ill be here forever... so ill just babble...

at home.. staring at pictures of friends.. and a wave hits on top... lemon yellow sun... and arms on my notebook... the remains of last night lay on the floor below... daddy and mommy too far away... anahat blogs again....

sigh... i saw omkara.. its vishal bharadwaj's u.p. version of othello.. you may recall he made a version of macbeth titled maqbool some time ago... lets hope we see his hamlet and king lear soon enough... brilliant bloody flick.. and ajay devgan the uglier he gets the better actor he turns into...

so i jus ordered mcdonalds.. the delivery guys even have my cellphone number now.. dont even bother ringing the damn bell cause they know the musics too lound and the ac.s on and the doors closed...

spiked my large diet coke with a larger smirnoff.. am hungover.. and this always works...

going to go over to a colleague/friends place in a bit... drink some more.. and talk about work and politics.. and work politics and smoke a nice sheeshee ive got her hubby addicted to... haha.. srijan my brother the web continues.. your disciples are everywhere spreading the religion...

im goin home.. on 11th... im gonna jus catch asim and deeksha who are gettin engaged on the 5th and do my rakhi dues for the 9th and catch srij before he leaves on the 12th and meet his new girlfriend and some of my friends and yeah go to barog for a day and meet mum.. THIS IS MY BREAK.. wow... sometimes i think i should shift home and avoid all this melodrama...

im not moving to delhi.. i was supp to and i know i told a bunch of u i was.. but im not.. mumbai it is.. despite the floods and bomings and riots cause someone dissed some statue (??) im here cause this is where careers are forged... and ive got promoted recently and moving into a new assignment..

jus got back from goa.. nono.. didnt do any e.. went for work.. marketing confrence.. lots strategy, champagne the entire senior management of indian hotels and some very nice food themes at the taj exotica...

i feel alone.. again.. srijans latest foray makes me wonder if i really like being single or is it jus disguised commitment phobia..

aarit's moving to mumbai.. thats nice.. another pool of familiarity in this concrete jungle of oneupmanship and selfish pragmatism...

i so need to stop drinking and dialing/smsing... when will i learn...

need more smirnof.... pour.... hmmm..... im going to play some tekken V... its very liberating...

were jus too lost souls living in a fish bowl.. year after year....*

*cf: Wish You Were Here: Pink Floyd

65 months to go...

progress report...

your lips move, but i cant here what you're saying
when i was a child i had a fever, my hands felt like two baloons
now ive got that feeling once again, i cant explain, you will not understand, this is not how i am...
i have become... comfortably numb*

1. have been consuming unequivocal quantities of black coffee... my soul's loving it...
2. picked up my preserved and still illegal copy of satanic verses and have started to read it...
3. have picked up my pristine copy of trial and have tried to regrasp kafka...
4. sheeshee... smiles.. eka... all on track
5. Its raining... yay... there was smiling.. there were open arms there were streams of acid rain cleansing my soul... its was exhilarating...
6. ooh im saving on money and trying to be nicer... this is rougher than you can imagine...
7. i bought the four dvd box set of live aid and watched joan baez singing amazing grace.... wow...

things r on track...

ive decided to get an audi before 30... i have 65 months....


*cf: Comfortably Numb, Pink Floyd

bittersweet...

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Try to make ends meet
Your a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places where all the things meet yeah
No change,I can't change I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mould, I am here in my mould
But I'm a million different people from one day to the next
I can't change my mould
Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind,I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now*

greatest song in the world.. my song..

*cf: Bittersweet Symphony, The Verve

give up forever...

*and id give up forever to touch you and just know that you feel me somehow...
you're that closest to heaven that ill ever be and i dont want to go home right now

there is this ad... of the new liril.. and its gorgeous... makes me wanna fall in love all over again.. makes me wanna tease.. and play.. and chase and fall down, and jus lie next to her.. knowing that shes next to me... and that its love... god i feel so alone sometimes and it scares the shit outta me even more that ill never feel that again.. not truly.. not with all my heart.. cause how do you stop being a cynic.. how do you drop that addiction. that habit.. and trust...and let yourself.. even for a second.. jus allow yourself to be vulnerable again...and jus... jus let go.. and fall..

sigh....


*cf: Iris, Goo Goo Dolls - OST City of Angels

I am soulless

of mans first disobedience.. and the fruit of that forbidden tree*

list of things I haven't done in about a year

1. Volunteered to watch a half ass decent play unless cajoled into it.
2. Frolicked in or experienced in any exhilarating form, the rain
3. Frolicked in or experienced in any exhilarating form, the wind
4. Played Scrabble
5. Bought myself a McDonald's Happymeal Toy
6. Read a decent book completely
7. Had black coffee

oh the list is endless... I have no soul left.. all the things that mattered seem not to. Its not evolution thats always for the better, survival of the fittest and all that, this is degradation, this is disillusionment, this is the pits

I'm not sure how it started.. but i have a decent idea... anyway bygones.. the point is that i'm not going to let it continue...

so i have an action plan.

1. Read some books
2. Make work a 9-6 financier - not a be all and end all
3. Spend as much time with eka as possible i.e. wine i.e. sheesha i.e. smiles
4. Start living rather than just existing
5. And do it with everything I have
6. blog more...
7. I am going to be open to plausibles...
8. Meditation...
9. whenever I waver I shall watch Dead Poets Society or Guide and feel rejuvenated

I am soulless... but I'm working on it... I have a plan in place...
progress reports and more blabbering should follow...


In Xanadu did Kublai Khan a stately pleasure dome decree... **

*cf: Paradise Lost, John Milton, Book 1 Para 1 Line 1
**cf: Kublai Khan, Samuel Taylor Coleridge

TAS II

so i didn't get in then... well bygones...

but i must say that the process was extremely anal retentive and quite non transparent... also for a group thats almost gone hoarse harping on and on about loyalty and group vision and the tata way and all that brianwahsing they do to you up at tmtc... 17 direct recruits and 3 internal ones.. seems hypocritical or that someone's not thinkin straight at tas...

either way... i did get loads of attention and wishes and 'there r other things for u out there' sms's.. all very sweet..

so im off to delhi then... for about a week to clear my head and get some perspective on my 'still floundering and non-adrenalised' career... i think i'm about ready to start pluggin in some 18hr days now for someone who's willing to pay me bundles of money...

more later...

tata administrative services...

hmmm... yes well i do realise its been a long haitus, but you see, i was busy, tied down and i was having nervous breakdowns... so let me update you... i have just finished the long and ardous process of applying for the tata administrative services in the hope of giving my floundering career and mental boredom a helluva adrenaline shot... its basically an in house grooming program for tata employees that identifies 'group resources' and puts you on the fast track for senior management... its the golden ticket baybee.. at least in the tata group...
so appraisals and gmats and one very long ass application form.. which included four essays and a statement of purpose... later.. and two very distinct and very attention soaking nervous breakdowns later.. im all done... now all i have to do is.. oh yeah.. get in...
easier said than done... have what appears to be a very scary 'assessment centre' for two days on 24/25 of this month in front of bombay house bigwigs...
oh and also... i'm still working for taj yeah.. none of my clients give a mickey mouse shit in hell what im applying for and expect prompt reverts and complete efficiency.. so its been busy.

have to also mention that it's found a friend for life.. one supposes.. darling of a child... very snooty, egoistic, vain and anal retentive about most things.. twin...

'my statement of purpose is to effect meaningful change'
-hehe

jinhe naaaz hain hind par....

yeh kooche yeh neelam ghar dilkashi ke
yeh lut te hue karwan zindagi ke
kahan hain kahan hai muhafiz khudi ke
jinhe naaz hai hind par woh kahan hain
kahan hai kahan hai kahan hai

yeh kurpech galiyan yeh badnam baazar
yeh gumnaam rahi yeh sikkon ki jhankar
yeh ismat ke sauden yeh saudaun pe takrar
jinhe naaz hai hind par woh kahan hain
kahan hai kahan hai kahan hai

yeh sadiyon si bekhwaab sehmi si galiyan
yeh masli huin ad khili zald galiyan
yeh bikti hui khokli rang raliyan
jinhe naaz hai hind par woh kahan hain
kahan hai kahan hai kahan hai

woh ujle gareechon maian payal ki chan chan
thaki haari saanson pe table ki dhan dhan
woh ujle dareechon maian payal ki chan chan
thaki haari saanson pe table ki dhan dhan
yeh behrooh kamron me khansi ki than than
jinhe naaz hai hind par woh kahan hain
kahan hai kahan hai kahan hai

cf: Sahir Ludhiyanvi, Pyaasa: 1957

enough said....

yeh mehlon yeh takhton yeh tajon ki duniyan
yeh insaan ke dushman samajon ki duniya
yeh daulat ke bhooke rawazon ki duniya
yeh duniya agar mil bhi jaae to kya hai...
yeh duniya agar mil bhi jaae to kya hai...
har ek jism ghayal har ek rooh pyaasi
nigahon me uljhan dilon main udasi
yeh duniya hai ya aalme bad hawa si
yeh duniya agar mil bhi jaae to kya hai...
yeh duniya agar mil bhi jaae to kya hai...
yahan ek khilona hai insan ki hasti
yeh basti hai murda paraston ki basti
yahan par to jeevan se hai maut sasti
yeh duniya agar mil bhi jaae to kya hai...
yeh duniya agar mil bhi jaae to kya hai...

jala do ise bhoon dalon yeh duniya
mere samne se hatha do yeh duniya
tumhari hai tum hi sambhalon yeh duniya*

enough said...

*cf: Sahir Ludhiyanvi, Pyaasa: 1957

oh the horror the horror*

oh the horror the horror... they have shut down koyla... sigh... another one bites the dust... entire posts dedicated to the blissful elesium are now all that remain to speak of its greatness... sigh...

anyway moving on.. for one must... from all circumstances.. good, bad or ugly... i suppose one never knows, they may be renovating... re inventing, the place was always bloody packed so they can't 'ave shut 'cause they weren't doing well.. must be something else for sure... one has only hope to go on anyway...

in other news I am one step closer to gandhian self reliance... i bought a gas.. one of those all in one click the thing on.. wheee buzzz... flame things... for the koyla.. not that koyla.. the little black stuff... for the sheeshee.. there is also big floppy beanbag... its too comfortable.. now all we need to do is cultivate some women.. or get to know those hotties on the 9th floor and we'l never have to leave home ever again... poorn swaraj...

what does one have, if not hope.. eventually...

*cf: Heart of Darkness: Joseph Conrad

dido... here with me...

the real problems are the kind that blindside you at 4pm on an idle tuesday*... or 1am... like this urge of mine.. to hear this song... you know sometimes u jus need to hear this song and u dont know why or what... so the onlything i know about it, is a snippet i caught of it in this flick.. love actually... oh brilliant flick btw.. truly british.. soppy and very perverted... like hugh grants onion pink shirt in notting hill.. neway.. so its this scene in which keira comes over to watch her wedding viedo at her now husbands 'doesnt really like her much' best friends place and discovers he's completely in love with her.. the scene ends with his admission of it being a 'self preservation kinda thing'... very well done.. and then he walks outta the place and scares some decent christmas shoppers with exxagerated antics of grief and annoyance... with this song playing the background.. and thats the one i neeeeeeded to hear... cept ya i donno the name.. or the title.. so i limewire 'love actually' and pop over a dozen bloody songs and they all sound like they coud be the one... anyway.. 7 unsuccessful songs and one very gorgeous lady's help later i find it... dido... here with me...blissful....

its playing now and goin on my ipod for experiences with mumbai traffic...

so apparently illegal file sharing software and gorgeous women can solve the most critical of dilemnas... thats the moral of this story...

oh i gave my gmat this friday.. nerveracking and troubling as it was.. i didnt do as well as i wanted to.. but well enough for things to come...

*cf: Baz Lurhman - Everybody's Free (to wear sunscreen)

selection of realities...

sometimes... it seems we lead such jaded lives.. so shielded from a whole different section and selection of realities.. i was watchin some movies today... d... presumably about the rise of dawood... and d company... tombstone.. the story of wyatt earp and doc holiday... and in the middle, line of duty... what im tryin to say i guess is that if you think about it... we all live such separate lives.. alone.. moviestars and corporates... soldiers and gangstaers.. cowboys and students... entwined in ways beoynd our comprehension and butterfly effecting each other and yet isolated from each other.. you can go through your entire life and never see a shootout or a bullet or a dead body.. or you can go you entire life and never have a week without one.. glitz and glamour... money and passion... honour and the call of duty.. right and wrong.. morals and lucidity.. gmats and suparis...

its a maze.. and at the end of it all.. the only reality is what you make of it.. that and death...

and he rode a pale horse... and his name was death... and hell came with him...*

*cf: Revelations: The Old Testament

my search for innuendos...

I am a cynic... I am in fact as proposed earlier and idealistic cynic... now the problem with this is that I've jus stopped enjoying the little things in life, cause i'm always trying to read between the lives, to decipher, to question, to doubt, to jus basically get so involved in the 'what's she really after' that I miss the moment, consider this conversation I had with a close friend recently... 'so why is it that I get to take so many liberties with you'.. 'cause I love you and people I love get to do that'... 'hmmm... whats that mean when you say you love me'... 'oh grrr... how many ways can one interpret that anyway'... 'well it depends you know'... 'no it doesnt'... and so on... do you see what I mean.. cummmmon!
Oh well...
and the irony of it all is that I'm actually an emotional fool... oh its a tough life... so anyway my search for innuendoes continues unabashed and nothing is left.. song lyrics.. movies.. books.. newspaper articles... advertising... everything...

its tiring at times.. its like you jus cant let your guard down.. I'm not a trusting person by nature but this is getting ridiculous...

well a remedy shall be sourced for this.. and this too shall pass... any suggestions...

*put on my blue suede shoes and boarded a plane
touched down in the land of the delta blues in the middle of the pouring rain
saw the ghost of Elvis and followed him to to gates of graceland
there's a pretty little thing waiting for the king down in the jungle room
walking in memphis...

cf: 'Blue suede Shoes' by Carl Perkins

lets go exploring...

the last calvin & hobbes... and appropriate for today.. happy new year folks...